The big thing my DB coach told me I needed to get under control was my anger. What's interesting is that this is exactly what my wife told me last week when she was first telling me she probably wanted a divorce and was yelling at me.
He said I need to work on my anger anyway for me, not for her, or else it won't be lasting change.
He also said that my angry behavior is a result of my fear. In this case I was afraid of the divorce coming. I have been planning in my head ways to postpone it without being overly difficult, trying to walk a fine line of controlling her behavior without looking like I was controlling her behavior.
He told me that an obvious 180 for me would be to accept the divorce, and to be her partner in it and support her in it rather than being aloof or trying to avoid it. After I got off the phone with him I texted her asking how the process was going, and also told her I had a shirt of hers I could mail to her parent's house if she wanted it. Her responses to each of those questions began with "ummmm." which was a first and definitely different than the one word replies I had been getting previously.
I then said I hoped we could be friends when the divorce was over.
She said "Great".
I felt incredibly at peace later today. I am not in control of what she is doing, but I am not afraid of it either. I can set her free and stop trying to control her, and stop initiating contact with her with an expectation of something in return. I forgive her. Whatever God allows to come my way I will be thankful for.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
Oh and for GALing I enrolled in night classes at the local community college last week. When the bomb dropped I felt overwhelmed and wanted to cancel but I now feel like I should stick it out.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
One other thing: I was hesitant about dishing out for DB counseling but it is the best counseling I have had by far. Nothing but straight advice on action I can take. I really needed that.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
Another thing that stands out to me is that I believe she does still love me, but as the DB counselor told me she has decided that what she is risking does not make it worth it. Two weeks ago she told me out of the blue that she would never divorce me no matter what and we were sexually intimate and talking and doing ok. This EA she had might not have even been a real EA. I guess the guy was someone who was flirting with her and telling her he had feelings for her and she liked the attention, but told him she wouldn't do anything with him because she was married. In one of their conversations she said she was with me instead of a different guy they were talking about because she "trusted me with her heart". It was a really bad weekend that pushed it to over the edge and flipped the off switch in her heart. She hasn't told me she isn't in love with me.
I guess what I don't know is what this means for the future post-divorce, if we communicate as friends and if she will reconsider if I can change and start to want to make it work again.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
I am working on my anger and acceptance for now and have work and night classes to keep me busy. I've been giving her a lot of space. What else will I be going through that's coming up? You mean like it gets worse?
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
Yes. I didn't hit bottom until well after BD, and ironically I thought I was handling everything just fine right up until it happened. But then I fell into a black pit the likes of which I had never experienced before, it was awful. Or you may have one of those wives that goes monster on you. My W isn't like that thank goodness, but read some of the threads on the MLC forum and it'll really open your eyes to how bad things can get.
My wife used to be overweight and I would get controlling with her diet. I saw her as not making an effort here. She eventually lost weight, about the time she started hanging out with her ex-boyfriend last December lol.
With anger I don't scream or yell a lot but I break things or hit walls when I'm pissed. This is kind of rare, but it's something I still shouldn't do. For example a few years ago she kept hounding me about not having my phone on me and being available to answer it. I got mad and said "ok" and threw my phone out the window. I did that with two separate phones, both cheap.
When I found out about her EA I kicked her out of the house and ripped up a few of her paintings. When I found out a few weeks later she had talked to one of these guys again after she said she wouldn't, I threw her phone in the sink and turned on the water.
I've never hit her though, and there was a period of several years where I broke nothing.
I have also sworn at her a few times during arguments, usually when I get scared and panic. A week ago when she demanded I return her car keys I shouted "F you B" and hung up the phone on her. It felt good in the moment, but anger always hurts you in the end.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
Anyway, today my W called me to talk and say that she wants to push the D through asap. She will get me the paperwork from her attorney tomorrow to review and she is putting down a separation date of last year to speed things along since she said she wants this wrapped up within a few weeks.
Two weeks ago, unprompted, she told me she loved me and would never divorce me. Three weeks from now she will have her divorce. It's astounding to me. She said she would "respect the marriage" and not do anything with anyone until it is officially over, but as soon as we're divorce, she will start looking for another relationship because she is 28 and her clock is ticking.
She put me down a lot and basically gave me her checklist of what she wants from her next mate. I will post it for giggles since I couldn't believe it:
1. He has to be a counselor and nurse for her (her exact words: mentally she has depression/anxiety. Physically she has a benign brain tumpor, cold sores, collitis in her stomach, knee/hip problems, and crazy food allergies including lactose intolerance and otehr issues that send her to the hospital once a month). 2. He has to accept that she does not want to cook/clean. 3. He has to share all of her common interests with her such as rollerblading, playing video games, and going to the city (these are all things I don't mind doing, btw). 4. He has to accept her many male friends including ex-boyfriends she will hang out with and guys who have feelings for her who she feels she should be able to hang out with. 5. He has to cherish and adore her and be a Christian that goes to church regularly. 6. He has to not mind that she has $100k+ in student loan debt 7. He should want to cuddle all the time and give lots of physical affection (I tried but it was never enough) 8. He has to accept that she has to talk to everyone about all of her problems which would include her talking about him. 9. He should want to be friends with all of her friends (her friends are mostly single or homewreckers lol) 10. He should come from a good home with both parents (my mom left my dad when I was a kid, this one hurt) 11. When she has one of her frequent trips to the hospital, this perfect soulmate needs to drop everything to get there asap (I was 2 hours out of town once when she went in for a routine stomach problem and I couldn't get there and she never forgave me for it).
So that's about it. I told me grandmother and my mother about this (I'm living the dream in my grandmother's basement right now) and they had a good laugh and said "good luck to her". My mom said it sounds like I am getting out of this pretty easily and encouraged me to sign paperwork asap. At this point I am wondering how long she will be bouncing around out there before she realizes this person doesn't exist and comes to her senses.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
