Not Again?!

[too trusting]

What am I doing wrong? I can't seem to get any responses to my posts.

which posts? I responded to your post from 8/6, and after that you said you would add the extra book to your reading list.

if you posted something after that, I don't see it here on the thread. or if there were unanswered questions in your previous posts, maybe we didn't notice, maybe a good idea to list them again here.

[Cadet]

He has this thread on newcomers, he double posted here and there.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...nt=2&page=1

[too trusting]

DD, I checked to see what other threads you might have, and saw your thread in "Newcomers". so, I answered your questions there.

[sw-1234]

doubledown
I am new to this forum and I am in a nearly identical situation. Unfortunately I do not have much to offer in the way of help but know that you are not alone. I do know how you feel and although I am not qualified to make any recommendations I am here listening and can offer as much support as I can. I know exactly the feeling of just wanting to vent or to be heard. When I first posted I think I was just looking for anyone who would listen. I have not shared me troubles with anyone close to me other than one person and the wife's affair has made me feel completely alone.
Good luck.

[doubledown]

Well, thank you, Cadet!

I appreciate your response. It gets lonely here with no responses.

I'm beginning to plan my confrontation of my W. She is in a PA with OM , but has no idea I am aware. I believe they've been together for several months and they've been planning their fantasy future together for the past few months.

I'm wondering what the best approach is when confronting a spouse. Should I just lay it out there that I know what's going on and wait for her to respond?

Then what? Start asking questions? Tell her that the A needs to end and no more contact with OM or she needs to leave?

We have two small kids, so I'm very concerned about the future. What if she tells me to get out and that she wants to file for divorce?


I know I only have one shot at this, so I don't want to make any mistakes.

Any tips? Anyone???

[sw-1234]

doubledown
I really wish I could tell you what to do! I am here trying to get very similar advise and I have no idea what to do. My wife is in a PA that she has told me several times that it has ended. Only to find out each time that it has not. At this point she says that they still only "talk" but I know that is a lie too. If you are like me, you wish someone out there had some answers.
I feel your pain! It has been three months for me and it does not hurt any less despite everyone telling me that it will soon. Since she is still in the affair if feels like an open wound that cant heal until there is some sort of resolution.
Hopefully some of the more seasoned people here will have some guidance for you.
If you need to vent, I will listen. Hope you find your way!

[too trusting]

DD, you can think about it, and plan it, but **now is not the time to confront her**. you can always do it later.

right now she is starting a new job (where OM will not be her co-worker). and she will be stressed because she has been looking for a job like this for a long time, and she wants to do well in her job so she wouldn't lose it and have to go back to jobs that she doesn't like.

so right now you need to be supportive towards her at a time when she is stressed because of her new job. and that is regardless of OM. pretend he doesn't exist. pretend that in her new job she won't see him at all (she will certainly be seeing him a lot less) and **be supportive of her regarding her new job**.

also, once you confront her, then you can't pretend you don't know. you will need to act on it. and that might not go the way you want. it is highly unlikely that she will drop OM just because you confront her. she will just find better ways to hide her tracks, while continuing to lie to you. or she might leave you altogether.

so here is how things will look if you confront her:
H = accusing, nagging
OM = fun, relaxing

is that what you want?

or do you want instead:
H = supportive, dependable, fun
OM = loser

so instead of confronting her right now, you should be doing the things I told you before. GAL. spend time with your sons doing fun things. be supportive towards her regarding her new job.

become the guy she would be a fool to leave.

and when the time is right, when she wants to work on improving your marriage, *that* will be the time to say "him or me". right now is not that time.

[whizzed]

DD, I empathize. I'm pretty new here. Suggestions that have helped me when I "can't take it anymore and want to tell W to take her lies and cheating out of my f-ing life!!!!" (but, discordantly, want desperately to create a loving marriage with her):

--I printed out and frequently reread core 37 DBing approaches, especially when I lapse into anger/resentment/future-telling about W's EA and secrets. I'm doing a tiny bit better each day internalizing DBing, and reading rules settles my stomach and saves me from myself, acting on gut "feelings" instead of thinking with my head.

--Dbing is working for me: Think I'm SLOWLY looking like the better choice. You can too! Keep reminding your thinking self that this will, OF COURSE, take time and you need to be PATIENT. And stop worrying about her every move. You are letting her remote control you. Take your power back, man. Helps me.

--Re-read tootrusting above! If your goal is to save marriage, then cornering her by revealing that you've been SPYING on her will take you miles down the road away from your goal. I did once and it went INSANE, and I regretted. I know others recc exposing, but I would only do it after VERY well considered last resort/line in sand ultimatum. My opinion.

--STOP the spying. I know of what I speak. I'm two weeks into going cold turkey after months of panicky checking phone, records, pursue, drawers, buying internet phone/people searches, etc. Know what that got ME: Nothing but grotesque, lonely heartache and depression. Know what it did to her, NOTHING, except making me look like a pathetic, sulky, angry imp. STOP SPYING=stop hurting YOURSELF. It's self abuse. You know something's going on, and the details will be you driving the knife deeper. Also, I learned that I myself read my worst fears into every little thing I "discovered". Horrible way to live. Now that I stopped, I feel proud and strong that got off SPY CRACK.

My two cents from struggling DB DR novice, who's starting to learn a few lessons.

[doubledown]

Thnaks SW:

I appreciate where you are coming from. It looks like we'll just need to focus on improvements and not repeating behaviors that got us here. I hope you find inspiration frommany people here. I know I am.

Good luck to you as well.

[doubledown]

Thanks TT:

I'm going into support mode and dropping plans for confrontation. You make sense and I appeciate your help. She's in very good spirts this week (her first week on the job)and I like that. Although, I know she meets up briefly with OM after work, it's still less time than they spent together before. You're righ about that! So, I'll take that as a positive and keep OM out of my thoughts the best I can.

Spoke with DB coach last night. Went very well and she commended me on my progress and efforts.

I shared with her that 2 nights ago while washing dinner dishes, my wife asked why the boys didn't eat much. I told her that they had snacked quite a bit before dinner because they were starving, but I wanted to wait for W to get home to have dinner. I said that's why it's so improtant for you to get home as soon as you can from work.(that, and it limits her time with OM)

Her response was very interetsing. She brought up a situation from years ago when the kids were just infants and toddlers. My W worked long hours then as well and she would call and ask if the kids had been fed. She would insist that I feed them by a certain time, but my response was that I wasn't hungry yet and I'll feed us all at the same time. I totally wasn't responsive to her needs!(I realize this now)

She reminded me of how furious this made her back then and that she would really struggle with it. She said we just weren't on the same page! Until one day she decided to choose her battles more carefully. She said that she just gave up with me on that issue and that's why our dinner times have been all over the place ever since.

I paused and looked her in the eyes and said: "Really? I had no idea that I had hurt you like that back then. That really must have been hard on you. I'm really sorry for that. I didn't realize how that effected you. I'm sorry about that".

After that, she did a silly side-step hop toward me and said "now we're on the same page". I sensed sarcasm, however.

She then walked back toward a chair and said: "You're realizing alot of things lately".

I take that as a good sign that she is noticing some type of change in me. DB coach says any argument is a goosd thing, but be sure to respond just how I did. Acknowledging her feelings and don't get defensinve.

What do you think? It's the first morsel I've seen with regard to her even thinking or talking about "us" or our relationship at all in quite a while.