Need help detaching

[lost_hope]

Thanks chl0901, Mimi30, littleGTO and hotwheelsaust. Somehow I missed all your messages and well wishes when I checked this thread on my phone!

[littleGTO]

lost,
Congratulations on the birth of new beautiful baby boy!! What a great way to fall in love all over again!

Take care of yourself and your new little guy!

[lost_hope]

Thanks everyone once again! Looks like a WAS will always be a WAS in some cases, even if a modified cake eating one. After a few days of relative calm and happiness H and I are back to arguing. Which is awful bc we are staying with his mom and my mom is here as well. we just closed on the house and we can't even make if past the renos. I just had to kick him out of the bed bc he had to remind me that it's not that he doesn't love me it's that he hates me. Imagine he says this with his son nearby. I know deep down inside that he truly does hate me. That's why he was able to treat me horribly while I was pregnant with our first child. I'm sorry, that's just an abnormal stance to be in. No one can convince me otherwise.

Well the last bit of love just let me today. If a bank will loan me money to pay him out for the house I will do it in exchange for full custody. I'm tired of being treated like less than dirt. I can power through the lack of affection. I'm not able to power through the lack of respect. I feel defeated and sad in a weird way. It's not the hopeless kind of sad, but the realization that my marriage is truly over and it's just a matter of time.

I'm going to be 35 next month. I have a truly beautiful smart and strong son. I deserve more than someone who continues to treat me like crap during a time when he should be supporting me. Im not going to say he doesn't help with the baby because he really does. He just makes it clear how much he loathes me. Obviously he only cares about me bc I work and can help him afford the house in his dream neighbourhood. Anyway I should go back to sleep with the baby. Scarce commodity these days!

[planet]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.
DO take good care of yourself.

[chl0901]

Hi lost, just saw your update and I'm sorry your H is such a #@$%! Please do what's best for you and your S and take care of yourself and that sweet baby. Best of luck to you and please do update still!

[lost_hope]

Thanks guys. My update ... "More of the same ..." Our relationship has deteriorated to a point of no return. Because one of his recent complaints about me is my tidiness of course when I was pregnant and now esp with baby I'm even "worse" than I was pre pregnancy. I'm sorry if given a choice between cleaning and consoling my son guess which one I'm going to choose? Every single time. Well for him and his neat freak mom that's two wrong choices every time. Bc (a) I'm spoiling my son (which is complete bullsh-t) and (b) I'm not spending my waking hours cleaning. this is how they view me. And it's not going to change. My mother in law actually had the nerve the other day to refer to me as a housewife who won't get anything done all day bc Im holding my baby. Excuse me?? A housewife who is an executive who rakes in (slightly) more dough than her son even while on mat leave ???!! This woman (and her son) are nuts.

And the worst part is they judge me for being too into my son but they'd be the first people complaining if I valued anything (except cleaning) above him. Well look at what her detached parenting style did. I certainly don't want my son to grow up to be like his father in the emotions department.

Anyway still loving life bc my son is in it. And seriously contemplating how I can become a WAS myself. I can't deal with the pressure, complaints and lack of support. Plus lack of love or affection. We are just roommates who are raising a child and sharing finances. And he's ok with that. I'm not. I want love and happiness and a family. I don't want to be alone but I also can't stay with someone who doesn't love me just because ...

I'm so sick of all of this ...

[chl0901]

Hi lost, so sorry to hear about your "more of the same." Do what is best for you and your son and try and keep your PMA!

[lost_hope]

So ... new year, old marriage I thought we had finally turned a corner. Although I am still in a sexless and emotionless marriage, the baby kept us focused on a great positive thing. And even though he has completely dropped any of the other LLs he has focused on service as his only LL now and would excitedly tell me all the things he's doing to renovate the house and all his plans for the future, Yes, future ... next year we can build this for Baby, 5 years out we could do this, 10 years out we sell and buy a bigger house, etc etc. We took family photos and had so much fun unless you knew our sitch you would think we were so happy. We had an amazing Christmas and didn't fight once for over a month. And he is typically very kind, patient, and involved with our son.

Well today ... major, major, major, major meltdown and backtrack. Our son was fussing at the dinner table and he told him to "calm down". Poor bug is teething and he is also a notorious cat napper so by 7 he was cranky and sleepy. His mom and I tried to tell him that you cannot seriously tell a 4.5 month old to "calm down". I added that the baby could sense the tension in his voice and asked him not to do that again.

He dug his heels in, said he could say "whatever he wanted" to the baby, then proceeded to his usual tirade of insults and name calling. I stepped away, put my son to sleep, and then came back angry as h*ll and told him in no uncertain terms that he is not to take out his anger with me on my son. More heel digging by him and the whole thing devolved into a huge shouting match, expletives being thrown around, me bringing up his EA (possible PA) from 2.5 years ago, me reminding him of his disgusting behaviour during my pregnancy, his mom having a semi nervous breakdown, me packing a bag for my son and myself to leave and of course the baby waking up.

We are now not speaking to each other, though he is sleeping on the bed now (with the baby in between us). Sigh, sigh, sigh. I'm soooo tired guys. And I don't know how to handle him or it tomorrow. My "usual" is to tell him that if he doesn't like me he should go to city hall and get a divorce and/or to continue arguing with him the following day. Should I 180 and not speak to him tomorrow? (We have never not spoken to each other for more than a few hours even when we separated 2 years ago). Or should I 180 and be all Pollyana with him? Is there a 180 in between those two? I am at a loss and doesn't help that I'm feeling guilty about returning to work next week.

I honestly feel stuck with him b/c of the baby and I know he feels the same. Sometimes I just want to release us from our misery and just file for D and learn how to be good co-parents. I think we'd be better friends D than married b/c ultimately I believe he doesn't like me (he basically confirmed this during my pregnancy) and wants to be with his A from two years ago (he denies this) or single.

[2chiquitos]

I get it. He was being a jerk with the baby and with you. All I can do is give you suggestions on what you can do. Next time, wait before you tell him how to father his child. You're not talking to a child (although it might seem like it ;-) Wait because you need to reflect on how to approach such a delicate topic. Pray to your Higher Power to help you express yourself as best you can. Find the right time of the day to talk to him about it.

Remember you're talking to an adult and he WANTS to be an awesome father but he doesn't always need you to tell him how that should look.

I totally agree with you. I can't stand it when H talks to S5 in this tone when it can be approached in a much better way. Truth is, I'm an observer and so of course I can see his errors. But I should also give him more praise than criticism if I plan to give him my advice on how to parent our child.

So, no, don't run to the courthouse and get a divorce because you had an emotional argument. Go back and have this conversation again but before you do WAIT, REFLECT, PRAY, FIND the right time to approach it.

I've learned that we can have an ugly fight but now I work on revisiting the issue where we can talk like adults about it. This new approach has more to do with my 180 and he feels more validated and respected as a partner in our child's parenting.

Good luck ;-)