Lefty...how would you achieve the goal of 'being a man she would be a fool to leave'? Break the main goal into small steps that are achievable. Make them action-oriented and measurable.
Lefty...how would you achieve the goal of 'being a man she would be a fool to leave'? Break the main goal into small steps that are achievable. Make them action-oriented and measurable.
Good advice!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, let me cover the changes I've made first and then hit the new goals
ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
1. Improved grooming. Shave daily, trim the beard at least twice a week, and buzz the head every week.
2. Weight loss. Closing in on 100 pounds lost and nearly into the "normal" BMI range. Goal weight is 160, current weight is 188.
3. Depression. Adjusted meds, weened off AD with undesirable side effects.
4. Negativity. Working on every day to become a more positive person. No longer voicing negative thoughts. Record three gratitudes daily in my journal.
5. Spirituality. Found a church that is a good fit for me and have begun attending regularly.
6. Appearance. Have begun improving wardrobe gradually, introducing more colors and variety. Holding off on too much financial outlay until my goal weight is achieved.
7. Volunteering. Volunteering for a local non-profit, giving back to the community.
TO DO:
1. New job. Find a new job that is back on my career path. In addition to allowing for better security, this will allow me to feel happy in my work and better about myself. Goal is to submit three applications a week.
2. Once new job is acquired, find a new place to live.
3. Financial security. Current job does not allow for savings. Once new job is found, maximize retirement contributions and save as much as possible monthly.
It's a damn good thing we have been practicing this drill for a while
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I wrote you this great post and D2 took my ipad and deleted it! So hopefully this will be almost as good...
Negativity/Depression-- It's a good thing you have identified it and you are taking action. Next is acceptance. Accepting that your depression will never go away is the next step. You're negativity is a habit you've been practicing for almost 40yrs! You think that just cuz you've identified it it's going to go away? Nooo. It will come and go but this time you have tools to help you manage it. And you will snap out of it faster!
Along with all the other great stuff you're doing consider writing it down. For example make 3 columns. First column list the automatic negative thought. 2nd column identify the label (google ANT's list) then the contradictory thought in the last column. Whenever you have those ANT come back read over your paper. IT WILL HELP YOU TREMENDOUSLY! The one thing is to be honest. Don't sugar coat it! Also the 3rd column should say "she may never come back HOWEVER I will go on with my life and be a better partner, son, father because of it!!!"
Don't run away from your sitch, turn around and say "HERE I AM M-F-er!"
Next, let's see your sitch from another angle as your IC told you. Self Pity--- STOP IT! That's the most immature thing you can do. Boo Hoo, you're wife left you. My son was born fighting to breathe. I couldn't hold him for longer than 2sec because his cheeks turned blue. Shortly after, I found out he would never have children. A month later I found out his body doesn't produce enough white blood cells so H had to give his newborn a daily shot for 3 1/2 yrs. 3 weeks before I had D2, H left me for another girl. 4 days after she was born I spoke with OW over the phone and she gave me all the gorry details of their amorous relationship. So guess what lefty, you are so d@mn fortunate you don't even know it!
After that 2X4, DO NOT BLOW ME OFF like you try to do it with Mr Bond (and Advina, she was so nice about it too). Something else you need to work on, listening to other's advice. I notice you get so upset when you're given advice even if it's done delicately. So I did it the hard way. If you know me you won't be upset but just listen to what I say with a grain of salt. Learn to listen and not take things so personal.
I will be your cheerleader but I will also tell you the truth, when it's necessary. And I think it was necessary to tell you the way I did.
Continue to take care of Lefty. Also consider picking up another hobby. Pick up one that requires either an artistic side (learning an instrument) or scientific (astronomy). That way it occupies your mind so it doesn't wander to negative thoughts. This will help you out of that self pity mode you sometimes get stuck in.
And as for your STBX's actions, remember she is very very confused. She will do things and not know why she's doing them. She acts on impulse. She believes that if she feels like doing something then it's real, she needs to act on it. She is not being rational. SO.... if she calls you continue responding as you've done. Don't lose it with emotions. Be calm and collective. She needs to see your changes so keep the lines of communication open but don't be desperate.
Continue on your path. This is a journey. Hopefully your your wife's paths will cross. :-)
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Hey guys, just checking in. Not much is new. I worked on some stuff for the non-profit over the weekend and went on a couple of bike rides. Work this week has been keeping me hopping. Monday I ran some errands, got the car washed, picked up some fancy shaving cream, etc. Today I ran some more errands and then went on an hour-long bike ride after work.
Haven't heard from the W since Thursday. Reckon I won't for a while. Basically, I think the only thing that has changed since last month is if I accidentally bump into the W around town she can't have me sent to jail.
Hey 2chiqitos, I'm glad you've taken the time to familiarize yourself with my switch. Sorry it took so long for a reply, but I've just been busy with life...
Originally Posted By: 2chiqitos
Negativity/Depression-- It's a good thing you have identified it and you are taking action. Next is acceptance. Accepting that your depression will never go away is the next step. You're negativity is a habit you've been practicing for almost 40yrs! You think that just cuz you've identified it it's going to go away? Nooo. It will come and go but this time you have tools to help you manage it. And you will snap out of it faster!
Along with all the other great stuff you're doing consider writing it down. For example make 3 columns. First column list the automatic negative thought. 2nd column identify the label (google ANT's list) then the contradictory thought in the last column. Whenever you have those ANT come back read over your paper. IT WILL HELP YOU TREMENDOUSLY! The one thing is to be honest. Don't sugar coat it! Also the 3rd column should say "she may never come back HOWEVER I will go on with my life and be a better partner, son, father because of it!!!"
Yes, you're right, I'm going to have to battle depression and negativity for a while. Luckily, I think my meds are dialed in now, and I think I'm much better at avoiding negative talk. Negative self-talk, however, is something I have to work on. Thanks for the tips, I'll add them to my repertoire. I've also found the book Learned Optimism to be very helpful.
Quote:
Self Pity--- STOP IT! That's the most immature thing you can do. Boo Hoo, you're wife left you. My son was born fighting to breathe. I couldn't hold him for longer than 2sec because his cheeks turned blue. Shortly after, I found out he would never have children. A month later I found out his body doesn't produce enough white blood cells so H had to give his newborn a daily shot for 3 1/2 yrs. 3 weeks before I had D2, H left me for another girl. 4 days after she was born I spoke with OW over the phone and she gave me all the gorry details of their amorous relationship. So guess what lefty, you are so d@mn fortunate you don't even know it!
I know you're right, I can wallow in self-pity and it's very unattractive. I try not to let it show any more, but I know my W saw a lot of it.
Quote:
After that 2X4, DO NOT BLOW ME OFF like you try to do it with Mr Bond (and Advina, she was so nice about it too). Something else you need to work on, listening to other's advice. I notice you get so upset when you're given advice even if it's done delicately. So I did it the hard way. If you know me you won't be upset but just listen to what I say with a grain of salt. Learn to listen and not take things so personal.
I will be your cheerleader but I will also tell you the truth, when it's necessary. And I think it was necessary to tell you the way I did.
The [last name] family is a stubborn people, and sometimes it takes a clue-by-four to knock some sense in our head, but once something is learned, it stays learned. Feel free to smack me upside the head with a clue-by-four if you think I need it.
Quote:
Continue to take care of Lefty. Also consider picking up another hobby. Pick up one that requires either an artistic side (learning an instrument) or scientific (astronomy). That way it occupies your mind so it doesn't wander to negative thoughts. This will help you out of that self pity mode you sometimes get stuck in.
I'm trying. I bought myself some new shoes today. Slowly rebuilding my wardrobe after I lost all that weight. I have some other things I want to do for myself when my financial sitch improves. In the meantime, I read at least a chapter of something every night, eat right, and treat myself to coffee and movies on the weekends. I'm a bit of an amateur photographer, but my equipment is getting pretty long in the tooth, so I haven't been shooting lately. Maybe I'll start again.
Quote:
And as for your STBX's actions, remember she is very very confused. She will do things and not know why she's doing them. She acts on impulse. She believes that if she feels like doing something then it's real, she needs to act on it. She is not being rational. SO.... if she calls you continue responding as you've done. Don't lose it with emotions. Be calm and collective. She needs to see your changes so keep the lines of communication open but don't be desperate.
Thanks, I'm pretty proud of how I've handled myself since she reinitiated contact. Is there anything proactive I can do to keep communication open or should I let her initiate all contact?
Quote:
Continue on your path. This is a journey. Hopefully your your wife's paths will cross. :-)
I feel the need to remind you of something.............
1. Please reread your first post on your first thread
2. compare that with now
Repeat as necessary until you realize what you have accomplished in only six months.
A bomb has dropped on you, a TRO was thrown at you
and your better off today
You want your wife back - Got it.....understood 100%
minus that, whats a new measure of success?
Because, im telling you......you are sooooooo close to being a success many broken men who went through the same mess dream about
Whats next???
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Well, I plan on winning the Powerball and moving to France or Italy.
What?
Yes, I've come a long, long way since January. I think I could probably count the meals I ate that month on both hands. I remember being curled up in the fetal position on the couch sobbing my heart out after I was served the divorce papers as one of my friends stood by helplessly. I haven't whimpered, whined, or cajoled in front of my wife since then.
Even though I know otherwise, I don't think I can feel like I've truly made progress until I get out of my current job and into a better one. After that, who knows what the limit is?
(Boy, the pounds don't come off as easy towards the end as they did at the beginning, eh, PS? Still hovering around 188.)
Its all about the fat burn right now. Everything else is falling into place nicely......increasing dumbell weight this week
Are you prepared for a interview when you get the call???
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
