Blindsided

[chl0901]

Yes...tugs at the heart strings... and I sometimes feel dumb faking it all the time cause this is my husband. The man we are supposed to be able to talk to about anything in the world. And right now we can't....doesn't sound like great marriage communication to me...but I guess we have to do what we have to do. I may not have great advice for you right now...but I'm listening!

Yes, it is weird to have to be the one making all of the changes, etc., but like you said, I guess we have to do what we have to do! And I don't have much advice to give anyone yet either, but I am also here and listening!

My H does this all the time. We go between calm silence (in which we don't say much to each other but at least we are not arguing) and his moods (which take all of me not to react to). His moods make me feel bad bc I think "wow, I don't even have to do anything and he's just "that" unhappy with me and us and our marriage." I feel like I'm in a nightmare sometimes.

I hope you did end up feeling better yesterday and hope you have a good day today.

Yeah, I know what you mean. It s*cks!!!

And thank you! I finally got out of my funk by the evening and have had an okay day today so far. Not super up, but not super down, so I'll take it!

[chl0901]

Journal: So, last night was not fun. We went to dinner with H's family after work and H was in a bad mood from the start from work (and then his family was 30 minutes late to their own reservation which made it worse). H did not even try to enjoy dinner and ended up leaving early without telling his mother bye which upset her. I got home with S and put him to bed and then got myself ready for bed (H was already laying down). He couldn't log onto his Xbox Live membership to watch Netflix from our room and was not able to reset his password online so he called the support line who does not do password resets. He got furious and threw his phone at the wall. He then proceeded to smash his Xbox - it was like the printer scene from "Office Space" minus the baseball bat. It was one of the most juvenile and unattractive things I have ever seen H do. I just ignored his tantrum and didn't say a word. In the past, I would have tried to reason with him to calm him down but that would have just made him mad at me and made the sitch worse. I've only seen this type of behavior from H a handful of times in our relationship, but I just don't understand how breaking something (expensive!) helps him, but whatever. I'm frustrated with him right now and was actually looking forward to coming to work today to get away from H for awhile.

[Mimi00]

Sorry last night didn't go so well. Sounds like something is eating at your H. Seems to be a pattern with him coming home from work in a bad mood. Does he like his job? Is he where he wants to be career wise?

Sounds like he needs some kind of proper outlet for his anger, and possibly a sit down with some one to talk about his moods... Maybe some time in the future he'd be open to that? (whether it be a counselor, pastor, or wise friend/associate)

You probably did the right thing to stay out of the way so none of whatever he's going through became associated with you. Continue to the "peace" in this situation, in spite of your own pain.

I hope today is a better day for you!

[chasingpavements]

Sounds like you have had a rough couple of days.. hopefully you feel better soon. I feel the same way as you, that it is hard not to react when our H's act moody and cranky, and hard to not let it affect us. I was thinking yesterday that I am doing good at "physically detaching" from my H, giving space for both of us, but I am not the greatest at "emotionally detaching" from him. Just remember you are doing the best you can, so try not to take it personal. I am really struggling with that right now and I keep feeling like I am doing something wrong, although I know I'm not.

Divorce Remedy is a GREAT book, hopefully you get a chance to read it over the weekend. I found it so helpful. Perhaps I will read it again, it has been a few months since i've read it.

Hopefully you can get out and do something fun this weekend to take your mind off of everything. What kind of interests do you have, and what sorts of things do you do to have fun?

cheers,

-CP

[chl0901]

Seems to be a pattern with him coming home from work in a bad mood. Does he like his job? Is he where he wants to be career wise?

His job is stressful and a lot is expected of him. It's also in an industry where people are getting let go as work "dries up" in our area. He feels pretty secure about his place right now (he feels like he would be one of the last to be let go if it came to that), but there's also no guarantee.

Sounds like he needs some kind of proper outlet for his anger, and possibly a sit down with some one to talk about his moods... Maybe some time in the future he'd be open to that? (whether it be a counselor, pastor, or wise friend/associate)

He's been working out with a friend lately, which I think helps him some, but he would not go to talk to anyone like a therapist and he is not religious. I've asked him to go talk to someone in the past and he basically scoffed at the idea. I wouldn't dare bring it up again - especially with all of our other issues we have!

Also, I honestly think (this is probably mind-reading) that OW is somewhat of an outlet for him right now emotionally. It [censored] and I HATE HATE HATE it, but I can't control their actions and I have not confronted him about her at this point because I feel it would push him more towards her and he would just lie anyway.

You probably did the right thing to stay out of the way so none of whatever he's going through became associated with you. Continue to the "peace" in this situation, in spite of your own pain.

I hope today is a better day for you!

Thank you! I think I handled it the best possible way that I could. H text me this AM with a business related question and when I didn't answer right away, he asked, "Are you not talking to me?" I wrote back that I was in a meeting (which was true) and answered his question. We're supposed to have dinner tonight at the restaurant we regular by our house. Hopefully he's in a better mood and that goes okay!

Sounds like you have had a rough couple of days.. hopefully you feel better soon. I feel the same way as you, that it is hard not to react when our H's act moody and cranky, and hard to not let it affect us. I was thinking yesterday that I am doing good at "physically detaching" from my H, giving space for both of us, but I am not the greatest at "emotionally detaching" from him. Just remember you are doing the best you can, so try not to take it personal. I am really struggling with that right now and I keep feeling like I am doing something wrong, although I know I'm not.

Hi CP! It is hard! LOL. It is hard for me not to react to someone being unreasonable, but silence is the best solution I could come up with at the time. I think we are all just doing the best we can while hoping for a happy outcome, whatever that may be!

Divorce Remedy is a GREAT book, hopefully you get a chance to read it over the weekend. I found it so helpful. Perhaps I will read it again, it has been a few months since i've read it.

I've read DB, and just ordered DR offline for cheap (I got a used copy so it was only $3!). It probably won't be in until next week and it will probably take me awhile to read it like DB because I have (or choose) to read it in secret when I get a chance!

Hopefully you can get out and do something fun this weekend to take your mind off of everything. What kind of interests do you have, and what sorts of things do you do to have fun?

On weekends, I spend as much time as possible with S since I work FT during the week and don't get to see him much. It's too hot to do the park or walks right now, but we usually go swim at least once every weekend at my ILs and will probably do that Sunday. I may try to get with my friend and her S and take the boys to Chuck E. Cheese tomorrow or something fun.

H usually works and plays golf every weekend. He will probably come to his parent's house with S and I on Sunday though. I also clean and do laundry every weekend - fun fun (ha!). When it cools off a little outside, I like to take S on long walks around the neighborhood and to the park.

I am trying to get a couple of girlfriends together for dinner and drinks one day in the next couple of weeks. That should be fun!

[lost_hope]

Sounds like you have had a rough couple of days.. hopefully you feel better soon. I feel the same way as you, that it is hard not to react when our H's act moody and cranky, and hard to not let it affect us. I was thinking yesterday that I am doing good at "physically detaching" from my H, giving space for both of us, but I am not the greatest at "emotionally detaching" from him. Just remember you are doing the best you can, so try not to take it personal. I am really struggling with that right now and I keep feeling like I am doing something wrong, although I know I'm not.

Divorce Remedy is a GREAT book, hopefully you get a chance to read it over the weekend. I found it so helpful. Perhaps I will read it again, it has been a few months since i've read it.

Hopefully you can get out and do something fun this weekend to take your mind off of everything. What kind of interests do you have, and what sorts of things do you do to have fun?

cheers,

-CP

This is me 1000%. I can go away into my on little world and give us as much physical space as possible. I can stay away from the house, no problem. I miss him, bit I don't need to sleep on the same bed. I don't follow him around the house. I don't go in for kisses and cuddles, etc. But the second he says/does something that I take offense to it's written all over my face and I have a difficult time not verbalizing bc I feel so hurt and angry in all this.

chl0901, I hope you're feeling a bit better now.

[lovethehub]

chl0901,

You are doing great, especially when you completely ignored his temper tantrum. You are also smart not to mention OW, it will not change a thing.

A few words of advice...

I understand that by not bringing things up you are "letting them go" but what we mean on here by letting it go is to really learn to detach emotionally so by letting it go, you are releasing the emotion attached to it.

My H used to come home in a bad mood all of the time, exuding negativity everywhere he went. I always took it personally and spent many years saying "are you mad at me?" "did I do something wrong?" "what's the matter?" After learning about DB, I finally quit taking his mood on and ignored him when he was in a bad one. So keep doing what you are doing.

GAL - it is great that you are meeting friends for lunch more often but H doesn't really see that, even if he knows you are. When DR comes, you can say you are going out and go spend a couple of hours at a coffee shop reading your book. Personally I found DR to be more helpful than DB, although I liked them both.

Acts of Service - this may not be your H's LL. It may, however, if you have been meeting his LL all of these years, I think you would know. Of course, I am not an expert on this. I would suggest trying them all out and see where you get the best reaction.

Physical Touch - I would be careful with this. It is like walking a tightrope when you have a WAW. I know he is reaching out to you, so maybe small touches here and there, I am not so sure about initiating sex. You have done that several times and been shot down. I would give him his space.

I just went through all of this with my H. I stopped calling or texting him completely unless it had to do with our children.

I was always in a good mood around him, however, I wasn't overly chatty with him like I would have been originally. When he asked me a question, or started a conversation, I would answer back (always friendly) but I would be the one to end it and walk away to go do something else. (I never did this in the past)

I started doing more things with friends when he was around to see me do it.

I started making plans for MY life, not our life. I didn't talk to him about it directly but he knew.

You have to get to the point where you are truly making the changes for YOU, not to keep your H. I know how hard it is but it is truly the only thing that works. If you two R right now, don't ever talk about what is going on, how this happened, OW, etc. you will be back here at some point. However, you can't talk about it right now. You have to give him the space he needs to figure out what he wants.

Don't accept every invitation. He needs to see that you are going to be okay without him and that you are making a new life based on what you need. If he texts for you to meet him for dinner with your S, once in a while have other plans (unless it is a situation where every Wed nt you go to such and such place and to say no at the last minute would be rude).

It does feel like a game in the beginning, it isn't. This works. Even though there is a lot of time where things seem 'normal' AS is right that the storm is still brewing underneath and anything can happen at any time. You will really want to master DBing.

I know you can do it, you are off to a great start and have shown amazing strength already. Most people would not keep their mouth shut about OW, I can only imagine how hard that is.

I know you journal on here but I also found it very helpful to keep a written journal. It is easy to go in the room, write down what is annoying you in a minute or two, and then it is much easier to let it go once you get it out there.

Keep doing what you are doing and keep learning more about DB. The more you do it, the more it becomes who you are and not a bunch of techniques to save your M. This is a long journey.

[chl0901]

Thanks, lost and lovethehub! Friday night was much better than the previous night and I didn't bring up H's tantrum and neither did he. I bought a blu-ray player with Netflix streaming capability for the bedroom to replace the dang Xbox (H didn't really play games much anymore on it).

I understand that by not bringing things up you are "letting them go" but what we mean on here by letting it go is to really learn to detach emotionally so by letting it go, you are releasing the emotion attached to it.

I'm having a hard time detaching all the way. I guess I'm somewhat on the way by now ignoring H's moods and not reacting to them externally (when in the past I would have 100%, which made them worse or about me!). I guess I'm still somewhat apprehensive that if I detach emotionally all the way that it will have a negative impact somehow. I'm not sure if that makes sense to everyone, but I am going to try and move past that and work on it!

GAL - it is great that you are meeting friends for lunch more often but H doesn't really see that, even if he knows you are. When DR comes, you can say you are going out and go spend a couple of hours at a coffee shop reading your book. Personally I found DR to be more helpful than DB, although I liked them both.

My H is hardly ever home on the weekends, so he doesn't see a lot of what I do anyway. Sometimes I take S and meet up with a friend and her S and go to the park or lunch on the weekends so H does see that every once in awhile. H knows about my exercise classes I do twice a week after work. I need to plan that girls' night already I guess! DR should be in any day now, so I will begin reading that soon.

Acts of Service - this may not be your H's LL. It may, however, if you have been meeting his LL all of these years, I think you would know. Of course, I am not an expert on this. I would suggest trying them all out and see where you get the best reaction.

Physical Touch - I would be careful with this. It is like walking a tightrope when you have a WAW. I know he is reaching out to you, so maybe small touches here and there, I am not so sure about initiating sex. You have done that several times and been shot down. I would give him his space.

After reading the 5LL book and taking the quiz for H, I believe his LL is AoS more so than any of the others. He gets weird when I compliment him and has never been good with gifts. He is also not a very touchy feely person, so I don't think PT is his either. I think he appreciates me doing little things for him like steaming his clothes and making his coffee in the AM so I have continued to do those things to an extent (I've stopped with the cards and text messages saying, "Have a good day," or "I appreciate you!" etc.).

I scratched his back in bed the other day and have not tried to initiate S since a few weeks ago when I was shot down multiple times. I think me initiating will be a lot further down the road if things start to get better with our M (just because he's told me multiple times in the past that he wants me to initiate more). But I agree with you that now is not that time.

It does feel like a game in the beginning, it isn't. This works. Even though there is a lot of time where things seem 'normal' AS is right that the storm is still brewing underneath and anything can happen at any time. You will really want to master DBing.

I know you can do it, you are off to a great start and have shown amazing strength already. Most people would not keep their mouth shut about OW, I can only imagine how hard that is.

Thank you, lovethehub. It has been really difficult not to bring up OW, and I have been tempted to, but once I think about it, I do realize that it won't change things and will most likely make them worse. I'm still new at this and trying to work on myself to be the best person I can be and hopefully that is enough for H to figure out what he wants.

[chl0901]

Journal: I'm feeling okay today. Not wonderful, but not in a funk either. We had a nice weekend and H spent 1/2 day with S and I yesterday which was nice. Times like that I almost forget about OW. Almost. It's always in the back of my head. I try not to think about it too much though because I get emotional and angry. I still can't wrap my head around how easily H can "edit" the truth or lie by omission. Act like such a great H and family man to others while going behind my back and spending time with her. I would never do that to him. I'll get off my soapbox now. It does help me some to vent here.

I'm still doing well on my diet and exercise regime. Except for I ate Taco Bell last night (weakness). I'm not being too hard on myself though because I've been doing so good and I won't let that meal get me off track (which in the past it would have led to a cheat week!). I exercised with a friend during my lunch break today at work and may take S on a walk tonight if it's less than, oh, say 95 degrees.

I did make the mistake of buying down a size in some new clothes and they are still too tight (I really thought they would fit)! Minor bump, but more motivation to keep at it!

[chl0901]

Journal: Last night was pretty good. H got home late, but I played with S when I got home and made a nice dinner, which H said was really good once he got home and ate. We then watched a movie together and ML (he initiated). Felt kinda like old times. No expectations though.

I'm still doing well with not calling or texting H (unless about S or business). It just feels weird to not talk to him very much anymore during the day. I don't know how to really explain it, but it's not a good feeling to me.

I'm going to lunch with a friend and then my exercise class after work today. Getting my GAL on.