By the way, I did speak to DB coach Joanne last week. It went well. She's very impressed with my ability to maintain my composure with all the knowledge I have of the details of the affair. I'm going to begin working on me. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist to discuss my own faults and this crisis. I read and printed out the 37 rules. So far, I've had no problem maintaining them, but I'm sure it will get alot harder over time. Hope I make good progress.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
very good on your progress! and Joanne is great, she is my coach too. one of the things she has told me (more than once) when trying to decide what to do: "will this move me closer to my goal, or farther from my goal?" that is a good criterion. I think that when it is time to confront your wife, you will know; or you can ask Joanne for guidance. in the meantime keep doing the things we discussed earlier and you (and your kids) will only benefit.
Joanne is great. I've talked to her and Laurie - they're both great!
They both gave me a lot of hope. They also both said they loved these forums, but you really have to be careful as there is a lot of non-DB advice given her as well, that would just push a MLC or WAS further away. But, overall, this is a great place.
One thing Laurie made me promise myself is that I won't make any major decision (like giving up and running away!) when I'm depressed or in a panic. Time is our friend.
Thank you. I appreciate your encouragement and prompt responses. It really helps to have an interaction with people who understand and can empathize with this experience.
Joanne mentioned that criterion to me as well and it's a good check & balance to follow. I took your advice and researched the "affair fog". It makes complete sense. However, I do find myself now wondering what stage my W is in. I don't really know a specific date when they began this EA/PA, but it seems that the expressions of love, desire and a fantasy life together are a product of the past 2+ months or so. Considering that, it makes me wonder how long the fog will last and at what point, if any, will W decide to take action or make a move toward advancing their relationship with regard to moving out of our home, moving in with OM etc.
Although it's been fairly managable to stay positive and focus on DB techniques, I know it must be so much easier to do this while W is completely unaware of what I know and still coming home each night to me. I can only imagine how it will be if and when she reveals the relationship or announces an intention to leave, move out, etc. That will be a totally different dynamic. Not one I'm looking forward to.
While I have the benefit of time, I'll work hard at being the best Dad I can be and demonstrate what the future will be like as her husband by consistently doing 180's and working to improve myself for me, my boys and my wife.
The hardest part is working so hard and not being able to see anything develop or change in her actions or tone. Especially when she stands 8 feet away and sends "goodnight", "I love you" emails to OM while I sit on the couch with my boys. That's a red hot dagger in the heart.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
Thanks DMR1965. I appreciate your input. Joanne has the knack to leave you feeling a little better and stronger after a coaching session. We did discuss that it may not be the time to reveal that I am completely aware of the details of my wife's EA/PA at this time. We agreed to use the benefit of time while she's still living in our home and coming home to me each night. Instead, I'll work on improving myself, so W can see what is available to her should she come to realize that the relationship with OM is not going to last. More importantly, I need to make myself happier with the authentic me and not be so focused on "what if"? It's tough.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
There's something I can't get out of my mind. I'm curious what your opinion is on this, Too Trusting?
My wife is an intelligent and creative professional. She's an Urban Planner and RLA(Registered Landscape Architect). She holds two Master's Degrees and a Bachelor's Degree in these disciplines. Due to the economic collapse in our area of the country in 2009, the land development industry died and she found herself working at this landscape company managing the retail aspect and doing landscape design until things improve. That said, she has made the decision to enter into an EA and PA with an overweight, immigrant Hispanic landscape installation laborer who speaks broken english. I don't think he even holds a highshcool diploma!
I just can't wrap my head around how this could happen or what she is thinking. What do you make of this?
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
DD it is sometimes difficult to understand why they choose the other person. my H has had numerous affairs with our clients. at first I thought - well, I am just a SAHM who helps with our business, I dress nicely but it is comfortable/casual, no high heels or makeup; and these are "career women" who spend a lot of time every day on their appearance. and then I found out who some of the OW were - I was shocked! most were not attractive, some were overweight and just dumpy looking! what did he see in them?
but you never know. maybe she is attracted to this OM because he is different, sort of like an "adventure". maybe she just started talking to him at work and he confided all about his life, and the affair developed from there. you might want to read the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass, it gives an insight into workplace affairs.
in the meantime, keep up what you're doing. your relationship with your kids (doing fun things together) is important regardless of the affair. (you know the song "Cat's in the Cradle"? you don't want to be like that! ) and even though your wife is not paying attention to the kids as she should, she will see what a fun time you and they are having together and at some point she will want to be part of it! and it is extremely attractive to a woman when she sees her children's father giving them attention. but, that shouldn't be your reason; the kids themselves are the reason. your wife's reaction to it is just a fringe benefit.
What am I doing wrong? I can't seem to get any responses to my posts.
Here is something I wrote in the past to help people with this problem.
To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions. Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently). KISS = Keep it simple stupid Post on other peoples threads and give them support. You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about. Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.
) and even though your wife is not paying attention to the kids as she should, she will see what a fun time you and they are having together and at some point she will want to be part of it! and it is extremely attractive to a woman when she sees her children's father giving them attention. but, that shouldn't be your reason; the kids themselves are the reason. your wife's reaction to it is just a fringe benefit.