Figuring out the old and new life

[Verum]

Actually, other than a few BD's, W doesn't outwardly blame me. What I do hear time and time again is this:

I've wasted 30 years of my life.

I was afraid to live.

I married too young for the wrong reasons

I missed out on the dating scene.

I never got to live on my own.

I've often posted that I almost never get spewed. Another positive!

FY, our sitches are similar in many ways. Your list is like mine and my W is not angry or spews at me. Sometimes she is rude or short with me, but she usually catches herself because I seldom give her a reason to be mean to me.

Also, My W and I do live together and do things together. Although with my MIL staying with us, this has allowed my W to avoid many household chores/errands. My MIL is like a 76 year-old maid/nanny that is picking up the slack from my W. We even go out on 'dates' together. This Friday we went to a bar to have a drink after we each did our separate GAL activity.

My W has also asked me about my view of our R at times. I usually try to avoid answering or being vague. However, she is often persistent and I have spoken before of my 'vision' of a better marriage. Is it at odds with what she wants at this point? Probably, but I don't see me expressing it as necessarily being counter to my goals of a better marriage.

Keep going, I learn a lot from your posts!

[ForeverYoung]

I know it is such a slow process sometimes. But it took a long time to get them to this point and so it takes a long time to get them out of it.

And you want her to close the door on her unresolved conflicts
so as not to have to revisit them.

Thanks for the reminder, uR. I certainly don't want to rush her and make the crises even worse/longer!

I applaud you, FY, as you have such a handle on balance, the delicate nature of how to relate to your W, your vision of the big picture now and in the future, and your ability to keep your emotions under control, as well as hold the standard in GAL activities! You are so awesome!

Who, me??? Aww, shucks.

It's like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. She's scared and is looking for a way home but hasn't found the path.

Ok, I have to be honest here, NLT. I came real close to giving W a pair of ruby slippers, along with the instructions to tap her heels together three times while saying "There's no place like home"

SA: My W too is sometimes rude or snippy with me. I remind myself that it's not me she's really upset with. The fact that I put a dirty dish in the wrong side of the sink really isn't the issue. I'll let much roll off my back, but won't cower down and take everything. Occasionally I'll pick an issue and stand up for myself, even if it means a brief argument. I think never arguing is unhealthy for a marriage. So is being a doormat.

My technique has been to attempt to reach out and connect with W when she's receptive, and pull back and give her space when she's not. It's like a dance.

While she sometimes tells me details of her world, or what's on her mind, we more often spend much time apart... or together with very few words. It's weird when you can do a 20 minute car drive and only say 2 or three sentences. Or spend the entire night at home in separate rooms.

My W also pulls her share of the chores around here, but has no interest in going out to have fun with me. Not ready for that yet. Fun dates are with her friends.

I want to be clear that I absolutely subscribe to the no relationship talks rule. I believe this is one of the reasons W is still here. Well that, and because I'm such a wonderful guy.

We've gone many months between R talks, and W was always the one to initiate. She made note of this the last two times, so I may attempt to bring it up on occasion. I'm thinking of doing it in a light hearted way. We'll see.

-------------

So no more R talks over here this weekend. W was even able to laugh at a few of my jokes! (this is uncommon)

She told me GF has a new BF, and was tickled to say he sent her roses. I also learned that GF's man friend that they both hang out with is 65 years old. Oh, and he's a millionaire, and always pays their bill. He was D twice, and says he's tired of giving away houses.

When hearing W still talking about the new car, (but not yet having it) he said he was tired of hearing about it. What kind is it, he said, I'll buy it for you! W suspects he was mosly half joking (?) but got uncomfortable and quickly changed the subject.

I'll bet he likes having two cute 50 year old girls to hang out with, the lucky old snake!

After working as a gypsy for weeks, I finally got a new office at work late last Friday. It was previously my managers office and is very nice! I went in this week end to set up and organize all my stuff. Even set up an aquarium.

[Portia]

FY

You sound good. And I completely agree that some arguments are healthy and being a doormat is not. Even in professional relationships I have always adhered to being clear about my boundaries from the beginning. It is all about respect.

R talks are the devil. There is really no lighthearted way to have them. May start out that way but..... Just be prepared for a volcano. My advice would be to let her continue to initiate despite her comments. If she initiates, she wants to talk and is ready on some level to talk. It is another way of letting them keeping their own timeline, if that makes sense.

Hang in there!

[ForeverYoung]

R talks are the devil. There is really no lighthearted way to have them. May start out that way but..... Just be prepared for a volcano. My advice would be to let her continue to initiate despite her comments. If she initiates, she wants to talk and is ready on some level to talk. It is another way of letting them keeping their own timeline, if that makes sense.

Yes. Yes it does make sense, Portia.

I explained where I stand and why I don't initiate during our last R talk. I'm going to stay the course on this and keep my mouth shut. She needs to figure this out without me. Thanks for stopping by!

[reachingHigher]

You're in a good place, FY. I hope I didn't suggest you were having R talks with W, b/c of what I said about having many R talks with my H. As I recall after replay started he was usually the one initiating those, too, but this was only for a few short months and after we started D talks in earnest. It's kinda a blur to me now.

I think you have a clear vision of what is going on. It's interesting about the 65 year old rich man W & her GF hang around with. Makes W feel "safe" until it gets too close.

I noticed the girls my H mostly hung around with tended to be short and fat and not too attractive (thus had no BF's) and I think it made H feel safe too.

Glad you got a nice office and a peaceful aquarium to provide a calming atmosphere

[RosaLinda]

Wow FY, this WAS a devil of a R discussion, and you handled it like the professional DBer you are! Sorta sad to have been DBing so long that you turn pro at it, but it looks good on a resume. 

My H and/or I have said a lot of these exact same things, almost word for word. Now I know why my H is so forgetful and spacey - he is concentrating so hard on memorizing the scripts laid out in the MLC handbook. 

And this describes our life together to a tee, and breaks my heart that you are going thru this too:

"While she sometimes tells me details of her world, or what's on her mind, we more often spend much time apart... or together with very few words. It's weird when you can do a 20 minute car drive and only say 2 or three sentences. Or spend the entire night at home in separate rooms."

Don't you feel like two boarders who are pleasant to each other when they pass in the hall, or sometimes watch TV together in the evening or discuss politics, but never ever share their hopes, their dreams, fears, plans, their feelings? We do things as a team too, but as Ruby wrote today, talk but do not communicate. 

[reachingHigher]

Yep, 30 years of memories carefully saved, tossed out in an instant. Have to get rid of the old life I suppose.

Wow, that musta hurt and been an eye-opener as to where she was in that moment of time.

FY, you don't seem to have that "Idk if I could ever forgive her for what's she has done" attitude. Why is that?

[Verum]

FY, I find it very helpful to read your posts and see your perspective.

[ForeverYoung]

I hope I didn't suggest you were having R talks with W, b/c of what I said about having many R talks with my H.

You didn't, and we're not.

And this describes our life together to a tee, and breaks my heart that you are going thru this too...

Don't you feel like two boarders who are pleasant to each other when they pass in the hall

Yep. And I have (mostly) accepted that this is where we are now, and do what I need to do to make the best of it.

Wow, that musta hurt and been an eye-opener as to where she was in that moment of time.

You know, at the time I thought "we'll probably never bother looking at 'em again, so yeah, why not toss 'em out." It was only after the fact, when I realized that now I never could look back at them, that I felt some loss. Plus, I was pretty much in depression myself at the time.

FY, you don't seem to have that "Idk if I could ever forgive her for what's she has done" attitude. Why is that?

Good question!

I'd say because she is still in our home. Maybe even trying to get through this without bailing on me.

She hasn't had a PA, and is transparent enough that I'm near %100 positive this is true.

Also because my incident two days before BD in March 2012 pushed her over the edge, so I feel some responsibility. (she had already been spinning into crises since her Mom's death in Dec 2011, but my actions gave her the "sign from the universe" that she needed to bail)

Mostly though, it's because of what I see she is going through. I have compassion for her because I know how badly she is hurting, struggling. She's not trying to hurt me, just doing what she feels she needs to do for herself. I really feel this is true for most MLC'ers.

[ForeverYoung]

FY, I find it very helpful to read your posts and see your perspective.

If I am able to help anyone on their journey I am delighted. So many here have helped me so much.

I've learned there is no magic answer to fix the sitches we are in, (doesn't mean I've totally given up looking!) but this board is certainly the best guide I have found.