Three years ago, my wife called me home from work to talk. She dropped the bomb on me. We had been seeing a marriage counselor for a few months prior. She wanted to end our marriage. She justified her intention by saying she's not happy, fulfilled and isn't in love with me anymore. I begged pleaded, cried and wallowed. I argued that we couldn't split up as we had 2 small kids and we are a family. We both have an obligation and responsibility to maintian this family. Finally, she agreed to go to a Retrouvaille weekend. While there, we realized that these other couples had such bigger problems than we did and she agreed to seek therapy and work on our marriage. Along the way, I found Michelle's book: DB. While I followed the process, I discovered she was having an EA, possibly a PA. Over the next couple of months, he ended the relationship which was out of state where they were working on a project. After that, our relationship improved. Now, 3 years later, I have discoverd that my wife is involved in a very heated PA!! I am crushed and terrified that my marriage is over based on their emails, texts and plans for the future together! She has no idea I know any of this. I am rereading DB and have ordered DR to read as well. My big question is Do I practice DB and DR now, confront her about the affair or wait for the BOMB!?? Please provide some suggestions. I don't want to provide her encouragement to leave of file for D. Please help!!!
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
I am sorry you are in this situation again. I know how difficult it is. If you haven't talked to a DB coach, this would be a perfect time to get some professional advice as to the best way to go forward. There isn't a simple answer as to whether you should confront her...although I hope others do tell their experience with this. Take care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Thank you KarenR! I appreciate your suggestion and I agree the answer is not simple. After reading many similar posts, some seem to think that not disclosing that I am aware of the PA is biding metime to practice my DBing and 180's. At the same time, its so humiliating and crushing to know my wife is coming home everyday after spending time with OM. Anyone who is or has been in my sitch, please provide your experience with regrad to exposing or not exposing and what your results were. Thanks! I'll keep checking in.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
Well, another day has passed. I'm re-reading DB and awaiting the arrival of my copy of DR. I've been very positive, happy and helpful toward my wife and children. I'm attempting 180's whenever I have an opportunity. For months, I have been angry that she has been working 7 days per week til after 9:00p.m. or looking for anything else to do and is willing to help anyone who wants her time, except me. So, I past the time drinking. When she would get home I'd be angry or drunk. Not beligerant or physical, just not in a good mood. She nmentioned that to my sister a while ago, so that is the first thing I've done a 180 on. No drinking and being very pleasant. My wife is gone so much of the day that we only see each other for about 30 minutes in the morning and about 2 1/2 hours in the evening. I make dinner, take care of the household chores and make her life easy. I haven't been calling to check when she'll be home or texting for no reason for about a week. As a result, my phone is quiet on the incoming side. She only calls to tell me she'll be leaving work soon. That gives her time to visit with the OM, then come home. I'm trying to limit my inquiries about her day and waiting for her to speak to me, which is minimal. She spends alot of her time with her smart phone texting and sending email. Do I just trudge on with my DBing?
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
My wife and I had an appointment to see the attorney who is handling her case regarding a terrible car accident she was in in 2011. As we were finishing up discussing the details involved with proposing our claim to the at fault party's insurance company, we got into detail about how we would need to share our experience with them and express our difficult and challenging time while my wife recooperated from her injuries. At that point, my wife broke down. She said that she had locked that traumatic experience away in her mind and, like a robot, to just get through it. I'm wondering if this is at all connected to her feelings about me right now. If she entered this PA to escape her pain and trauma she was going through. Should I suggest counseling for her? Will that help her make a connection and realize she's participating in this affair to escape the pain she and I went through during that time and how difficult it was for both of us? I don't know what to do! Anyone?
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
I'm not seeing any respnses to my posts, so I'll assume I'm being moderated. Hope to be active soon so I can get the benefits of this community.
I took my son for a couple days to his Cub Scout campout. It was a couple overnights. Didn't hear much from W. It was very lonely out there and all I could do was think about my wife and how to save my marriage. As we sat around the camp fire, I just looked at all the other dads and wondered how nice it must be to have someone at home waiting for their return with a big hug and a kiss. On the day we headed home, I plugged my phone back in and saw I had a message from W. It was just her asking me to pick up our other son who was at work with her. When I arrived at her work, my son ran to me with open arms. She just walked over and said lets get his stuff together. No hug. No kiss. She works with the OM and always stays late with some excuse, just to spend time with him to do who knows what. It's so difficult to go through each day knowing they're together and talking and texting about how much they love and miss each other while my phone sits quiet. Recently, I found texts that showed the OM is still living with another woman and my wife was angry and hurt that he was lying. I thought that this would be the beginning of the end of their relationship. But no. She just said even though you've hurt my heart, I just want more of you. Great. He wants to rent a place for her to move into and then live with her. Last night, she scheduled a lunch date with her sister, who she can't stand. Wonder what they're talking about? Probably bouncing her ideas off her and telling only her side of the situation. Who knows? Not me. I have my first DB coaching call tonight. I have no idea what to expect, but I hope it's not a scripted money making system. I need as much support as I can get. I'm sick to my stomach and can't stand this!!! Anyone out there?
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
sorry, I was away for a few days. maybe some of the other "frequent posters" are on summer vacation too.
hopefully by now you've spoken with a DB coach. they are really great and very helpful.
I would recommend to hold off on telling your wife what you know, and to work on DB techniques. become a better choice than OM. but don't do it just to impress your wife, do it because that is the real you!
the reason to hold off on telling her what you know is - what will you do after that? what if she says she wants a divorce? etc. so work on the DB techniques till you feel the time is right. you choose the time.
don't get *too* upset by her behavior - she is not really choosing OM instead of you. remember that your marriage is real life, with all the responsibilities that go with that, but the affair is a dream world, all fun and no responsibilities. so she is not choosing OM but choosing the "dream world" of an affair over the "real life" of marriage. I am telling you all this so you wouldn't take her behavior personally.
also, when they are in an affair they are sort of in a "fog" (google "affair fog" and read about it). it's sort of like being high on drugs.
and one more thing - while you're doing the other DB things, make sure to be the best dad you can be for your kids. first of all, they deserve it - you're their dad. and now they need it more than anything because their mom is in that affair fog and is probably not giving them enough attention. also, this is a great opportunity to build up a relationship with them.
so spend time with them doing fun things. not just babysitting till your wife gets home from work.
it's wonderful that you took your son to the campout! here are some more ideas:
take them to the library, pick out a book together, and read it together when you get home. you and your older son can take turns reading the book aloud while the younger one listens. at the end of the book, or the end of the chapter, you can discuss it too. like "what do you think will happen next?"
there is a series of kids' books called "choose your own adventure". my kids loved them. at the end of the page you need to decide what the hero will do next. you and your kids, reading it aloud together, can vote on it.
pick out a DVD and watch it together (don't just park the kids in front of the tv while you go do something else). and afterwards, you can discuss the movie. like, "what did you think of it?" "did you like (name of character)?" "why do you think he did (something from the movie)?" "do you think he was right?" just a fun conversation about the movie, the characters, what they did, etc - like you might have with a friend after watching a movie together. and if there are any parts they really liked, watch them again! (the nice thing about DVDs compared to a movie theater.)
if you are making dinner, let the kids "help" you. there are lots of fun things that kids can do in the kitchen that don't involve a stove or a sharp knife. e.g. cut up fruits or vegetables for a salad using a knife that isn't sharp, or arrange foods on a platter, or "make dessert" by layering things on dessert plates, etc. you can find kids' cookbooks at the library too.
Thanks Too Trusting! Your suggestions are very welcome and appreciated. They make sense. I guess I'm with my boys alone so much, I just don't even think of things to do. I'll work on that. Also, the "affair fog" explanations helps a great deal. You're right. My wife can't possibly be thinking clearly. This whole thing just doesn't seem real. Now that you mention it, she has dropped all responsibility with regard to the marriage and caring for the boys. I notice her hugging and kissing them more, but that's about it. She becomes easily bothered and frustrated with them. She is in a fantasy world. I'll keep that in the forefront of my mind and try not to take it personally. But, when will I know it's the right time to reveal to her that I know everyting about the affair?
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
