Blindsided

[chl0901]

Hi Hwy! Yes, I also am hoping the vacations will be good for us. I do realize I've probably paid more attention to S than H but I didn't see it as doing anything wrong at the time. Someone told us when S was a newborn to put each other first and S second. I've been guilty of doing the opposite and trying to find a better medium.

[JuneReN]

chl, just be the best person you can be. You have to let a lot of things go to ride this train. H still can't believe I didn't burn all his sh*t.

Now he has come over to the dark side of calm and happy. Who knew?

Can't say our M will be saved but I can say after 10 months I really like who I am and what I am doing. I will tell you one thing: I did 180's on all my behaviours, loved H enough to let him go. GF gave H an ultimatum, me or her. He choose his friendship with me. I can guarantee that if I hadn't taken a good hard look at myself, that would not have happened.

As I said, can't say we will have a marriage again, but being able to define myself apart has been a good thing.

[chl0901]

Thanks, Ruby. I feel like I have already been letting a lot of things go, which has been difficult, but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do in these situations. Looking at your story makes me hopeful - ultimately, I want us to be together and happy and trusting again (which would take A LOT), but my second choice would be to have a good relationship for our S's sake, and where I could be happy without him and okay with us not being together (which right now feels impossible).

[chl0901]

Journal: I'm feeling a lot better (thank goodness) and am back at work today. Last night was pretty good, H ended up initiating and we ML which was a nice surprise since it's been less than a week since the last time (1x a week is the avg. since BD). However, I am still thinking about H and OW a lot of the time and it's causing some stress and mild anxiety. I do not know what to do to get them out of my head. I am not snooping, and have not mentioned one word about them to my H (doesn't know I know still). I haven't and really don't want to tell anyone outside of here, because it's embarrassing and I don't want any judgement about leaving H when I want to work it out - I don't think that will help me any. It helps some to vent on here, but these feelings of anger and jealousy are really hurting me. I don't know what else to do to try and not focus on them so much. Part of me still wants to yell and scream at H but I know that will just do harm and send him running into OW's waiting arms. Ugh...

On the other hand, I've decided on another 180 (more like a 90 for me). I've been thinking back to years ago when H and I were dating and how I was then. I have always been an optimistic and bubbly person and everyone (coworkers, friends, etc) used to comment on how happy and friendly I was. I still consider myself to be optimistic and pretty friendly (I'm no negative Nancy), but life has happened and I've become a little more cynical over the years and I would like to have some of that positivity back that I used to exude. So, I will try to go out of my way to be extra nice and happy and smiley to everyone I encounter (without coming off as fake). Maybe that will help my PMA and also get me back somewhat to what I used to be like.

[chl0901]

Journal: I did a non-DB thing and text my H this morning asking if he wanted to go to lunch. He called me later and said yes and that a co-worker would join us. It ended up being a nice time. I was pleasant and conversational and only interrupted H one time, which I caught and shut my mouth (I have a bad habit of interrupting which my H hates - one of my 180 goals). I think we all three had a nice time. When we were leaving, H gave me a quick kiss and said "I love you" which was really nice because I can't even remember the last time he said it to me without me initiating. And most of the time he wouldn't say it back to me when I said it first (before I started DBing). Won't look too much into it, but it was a nice feeling - felt somewhat like old times when we actually enjoyed spending time together.

[lost_hope]

Awww, that's such a cute story chl0901. I am praying for a really good outcome for you. I think the key in this is not to overreact to his actions. Like it's great, come on here, gush on here, let us know, but don't overreact with him. I think it's ok to be pleasant with him but I still think you need to see the changes that he's going to make with respect to your M before taking it as a sign that he's on the road to recovery (which of course he very well may be).

[chl0901]

Hi lost! Yes, I definitely did not act too excited or anything with him about it. I think we just had a nice time. As far as I'm concerned, we won't be on the road to recovery until OW is completely out of the picture which she is not. It just helps me mentally to get my thoughts and things that happen out so here is as good a place as any, I guess! I'm still just trying to work on myself and be the best me that I can be and if that ends up not being good enough for him in the end, then that will be his loss!

[chl0901]

Happy Friday, everyone! I went to an exercise class last night which was nice since I hadn't been able to exercise since last Sat. due to being sick and weak. It was a little tougher than usual (I'm still not at 100%), but it felt good to get moving like that again. I'm going to do some strength training with a friend during my lunch break today, which I'm actually looking forward to.

I'm still really struggling with my sometimes overwhelming feelings of anger and jealousy thinking of H and OW and just how H is now acting like everything is fine with me while pursuing her. I just feel so betrayed. I understand that I cannot control his or her actions and that confronting him will only result in lies and him turning to OW even more. I know that I still need to focus on working on me and being the best I can be and H will have to decide on his own to end things with her, but I don't see that happening any time soon at all. It's just really frustrating and makes my heart hurt so much.

The funny thing about all this is, I haven't really cried much (I use to be much more emotional about things). I don't know if I've been holding it all in or what, but it strikes me as weird considering how I've been in the past.

[chl0901]

Also wanted to post a quote someone put on FB this AM that made me smile:

"The secret of being happy is accepting where you are in life and making the most out of every day."

Needed that today!

[chl0901]

After working out today at lunch, my best friend and I grabbed a bite to eat. She and her H are having problems right now, and after we talked about her sitch I reluctantly told her about mine and H's problems and OW (I had told her about the BD last month when it happened but she didn't know about OW). I told her why I didn't tell her before (because I didn't want to hear any "leave him" answers from other people), but she was understanding to my sitch since she is having M problems, too (no OW in her sitch though). I did feel a little relief in letting her know about what's going on, but I will not talk to anyone else about it except for her and this board. I also told her some about 180s and GALs (which she has been doing somewhat already for a few months unintentionally).