Questions without answers...am I stuck in place?

[RosaLinda]

Dawn this is some scary stuff you're reporting. It is so hard to fathom that your H actually said all of the things you reported while EA was in the car with him listening to every word. She could hear him say he MIGHT have to make a committment to her!?!? If she's okay with that, she's as crazy as him! 

Similat to your H and NLT's H, my H says alternately that he loves both me and RT, and that he doesn't love anyone including himself (that's probably the truth) and he asked me for more time to make a decision. 

I'm occasionally feeling a bit wobbly in the standing department, and hope my sitch does not come down to kicking him out, but it's a real possibility. 

I am proud of Big Dawn and her resolve to do the right thing for everyone involved. You gave H time to make other living arrangements which was very kind of you. I agree with NLT that this move will help him hit rock bottom. 

Something has to shake up and wake up our MLCers. I'm hoping it will happen spontaneously for my H like it did for Wonka. But if not, I'll be asking you for help and guidance my friend. Stay as strong as you are right now.

[sweetbabyred]

Dawn, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having to vocalize these boundaries to keep yourself sane. If you haven't already read it, I highly recommend the book, boundaries.

I agree with the others that your h will probably moan and complain and act out even more than usual over the next few weeks to see if you're really going to stick with your boundaries.

In fact, he'll probably blame all of his actions on you and say that he'd be better if only you didn't kick him out and just let him continue doing what he's doing. But stick with your decision and take care of yourself.

I really do believe that our spouses do have to hit rock bottom and really see what they are giving up and losing before they will ever have the capacity to decide if they want to change.

I think that's why they say that LBS usually have the last say. Because the MLCers never try to make it work until they understand that they've lost everything good in their lives and only have the users around them.

Dawn, I know it's tough, but you're a strong woman and you will make it through this and come out better for it. It's not what we wanted, but we will make the best of it.

[nero]

HEYHI-

YOU SOUND GOOD man- i'm impressed:

My path is scaring me, there is this small dawn in me who is saying, just leave him alone and let him stay while having his EA fun, it's less harmful and permanent.

Big girl Dawn says, no, it's time to pull the trigger and move ahead with yourself, find a new path in life filled w the kids, friends and one day you will have a person.

if this is what your insides are tellin ya - i think you've made your decision here nd it's the rite one for you now. remember tho- anhything can change any time - september is still a long way off. so don't be too bummed or scared by 'FINALITY" - it may or may not be. i'm too hung up on the lable i put on things too...(alot of the time) i immobilize myself with it i'd say

your h - some of his conversations amaze me. maybe he is seeing how far he can push you- YOU ARE READY (more than ready i think - from "hearing your voice" in this forum - to take your chance and let the chips fall where they may.

brave little you- it is hard- it is scary- but i bet it's kind of exhilerating too- to feel that you are "on yoru way" after alllll this piddling around... (from the queen of piddling here)

i have to say about my neighbor up north again- her h and she separted - she moved to an apartment! and he kept seeing his icky - redneck - boozer - icky ow for three years!! three years - of separation-

finally at the end of that time she said she was done struggline with the apartment and he shuld go move out and she should resume living in house- he and his ow were fighting and drinking all in public at local pub- etc. a big mess- but bottom line is somehow - someway they patched it up and have been together and okay for a bunch of years now.

it's weird- it happens- i don't think any one of us knows the convolutions it'll go thru- what your h will end up doing (REALLY) OR YOU or her or anything.

you've made your decision and you sound pretty strong in it- so yay for you. now we'll all see how it ghoes and plays out-hyou too.

nothing is final but death my dear - i tell myself this- i'm big chicken- but can sense inside how good it must feel for you to be able to feel "done" and say it rite out loud to him.

we're all out here-i 'm with ya man-

hope your day is okay- i totally GET IT- THE WHOle being afraid of what is different and final- our m BEING OVER for real- etc. idk- you have said many many times this is not some way you can live forever- not with this man- not with this sitch- so today i'm sayin yay dawn. if you change your mind tomorrow- i'll say yay dawn & so be it. what the heck does it matter anyway out there to anyone in the universe but you!!!

you do exactly what you feel you should/must/want to- and if you want to change tomorrow - then do it- and if you don 't then don't. this is your game - you can run it. AND - then there is the added benefit that who knows, you may love it- the freedom from strife - it really may change something in him- it may not- BUT IT MAY- it's a crap shoot- i admire your willingness to take this new stand.

ta da- xxoo best of luck with this new episode- it will be okay- one way or the other way- it's forward isn't it?

i'll go out on a limb here - notknowing your h at all- and say i don't think it will end up as final as it seems to you now- unless YOU want it to be. imho

xxo

[uRworthy]

Hi Dawn. I think your h is losing it and I think it is best if you get out of the way. Scary stuff he is saying.

It is true, a lot can happen between now and Sept. And I so get what you are saying about the two Dawns.

I do not want you to feel you are pushing him into ea's arms. He is an adult and he is making a decision.

But they both have serious issues, Dawn. And it needs to play itself out.

I am so proud of you, Dawn, for taking the harder road because it is what is best for you.

You have a right to live a happy, less stressful life, sweetie.

I am so glad you are standing up for you.

[albamarie]

~Complicated- he needs to see what it is like without you. He is really nuts right now and you don't need to be around it.

Funny thing is now he is wondering if that is what he really wants now.

Your right, the reality is I don’t want to be with him, I want him to feel what it is like without me “the good wife”, but I also want to see if one day he would ever be the man he was or better because of his loss.

If they don’t come back better are they forever broken? Or, is the loss truly what they don’t want in life anymore.

~Snodderly- I think your h is trying to see just how far you'll go in your boundaries. I say let him go for a while and allow him to see what the other side of the fence looks like.

I don’t think he believes I will go thru with it. He will push this away and one day soon say, oh I forget about that.

Thanks for the support, I would not be able to handle any of this without it!

[albamarie]

~Notlikingthis – I’m not liking this either ☺! He needs to hit bottom before he will be able to move from the place that he is stuck.

Yes, how can he hit bottom if I am still behind him to avoid the pieces from falling in the first place. I am his shield! The dynamics of his R with EA will change, as well as many other aspects of his life that I now keep in control.

You will breathe easier and feel 100% better after he's gone. Funny, I was ecstatic the moment I hung up the phone, it felt like a weight gone.

In their mlc state they think that what they can handle the turmoil that they are causing themselves.

Exactly, that’s why he says he will give up everything and that’s ok! He truly believes he will prevail. He also says that’s why it’s not a PA, that’s not what he’s after, it her chaos. it becomes or is an addiction

I suspect that he is going to start spiraling downward toward the bottom and his behavior will be even less tolerable

I agree, and I am not going to let him play me. This morning he kissed me good-by, sorry I’m not impressed. At this point the only recourse he has is to stand his ground, (let’s face it I can’t really thro him out), or threaten my $$$.

I’m interested in seeing how ugly he will get. My S22 is waiting for my signal to take him down, I would never do that, but H knows he’s on borrowed time. I have to be careful tho that I do blurr the lines between being strong and acting out of raw emotions, he can smell emotion and use it against me.

Thanks so much for stopping by and your support!

~Mizjjd- I'm betting your H will put on quite the show between now and 9/1. Do NOT let him blame you for his choices! He is simply having to face the consequences of his own decisions.

Wow, I would be scared at this point hearing this as the popular consensus if I didn’t have you guys to help me thru. Some of you have done this step already. Don’t they hate facing their own consequences, that’s what I think he will bring out the blame?

Nice to hear from you, I hope your doing well!

[albamarie]

~Hi Linda,
No, he wasn’t saying that in the car, he had already returned to work. It’s empty threats, he knows that step would be enough to make me say forget moving out, they are not PA and if he takes it that far to be moved out it only tells me how much he continues to need a mommy to take care of him.

she's as crazy as him! Yes, and why should I be privy to any more of his craziness, go do that w her, I don’t want to know about it! Drive her crazy 24/7 and she how much of a R you really have, open your eyes, and then look south to what you left behind!

I hope your H gets driven crazy by RT just enough to make it home and land on your front porch exhausted and reaching for you!

Your so sweet Linda, I am glad we made a connection.

~Sweetbabyred
Hi, thanks for the book suggestion, I will look into it.

say that he'd be better if only you didn't kick him out and just let him continue doing what he's doing.

Funny, is this a script, he already said that and topped it off with a pile of $$$ and told me to go have fun.

Rock bottom is what everyone agrees with but I wonder is kicking him out forcing rock bottom or at the point for my own good, does it no longer matter? He can’t hit rock bottom here, I won’t let him, not on purpose but I am not going to let anything touch my family.

~uRworthy - It is true, a lot can happen between now and Sept. And I so get what you are saying about the two Dawns. I do not want you to feel you are pushing him into ea's arms. He is an adult and he is making a decision.

I am fully prepared to loose him all together, it will hurt the most that he chose a POS over us only because I will never understand the allure to become a looser. But, I won’t take it personally, I know it’s not about me.

The easiest part about this, that makes me a little different from others here, is that I am not in love w him anymore. I can be hurt by him, but that hurt comes from my brain that says why don’t you put all this effort into fixing our life and getting me back to a place of loving and wanting you.

But they both have serious issues, Dawn. And it needs to play itself out. If I don’t get away from the knowledge of their EA I will not be able to move forward. Just logging onto my back account gives me anxiety seeing where he bought gas. I don’t want to know or care.

Thanks for the kind words, every post is so helpful and in every post there is at least one line that I walk away with thinking about and learning from. He is on a very busy schedule for the next 8 days so his reality will kick in after that and he will act out!

I’ll take this week while he’s working and avoiding reality to prepare myself and get the house in order. I am staying away from him and doing my own things. There is another BD on it's way!

I can no longer say I don’t have friends

Thanks again, Nero for being you! I will go to your thread!

[nero]

i just had a thought dawn-

i've probably said it before- but if i didn't. if your h is handing you any money at all- squirrel it away in yourown accounts- that he knows nothing at all about.

anything you can- do that with it. no matter what happens- it all may require money.

if he gets ratty - or even goes under all the way-

when i left my first h - i was mighty glad to have my paltry little savings acccount. first, last, security.

it seemed like soooo much money to just get OUT> I DIDN'T EVEN have a couch - left it becasue i felt sorry for him.

being left behind- even tho it was his own drinking & violence & jealousy.

sappy me huh? anyway- i'd always saved, even $5 a week back then. man was i poor- but you know what? it didn't make me miserable or disable me-

i remember how icky it was- no lie. BUT it doesn't kill ya.


SOOOO- IN CONCLUSION- get your own accounts going along with your own life - gal & gta (get those accounts)

love ya man

[RosaLinda]

Thanks for checking in on me Dawn Marie. You've been sounding pretty strong and happy! It is so so nice to hear you happy! I love what you wrote "Lets all together read, post, cry, laugh and learn how to not take it personal, and for now not give a hoot, while learning to pave our own path."

Not taking it personally is my biggest hangup in this detaching exercise. My H just came and told me that something was loose on my car's muffler, and he had fixed it. I said thank you. He said that he did not do it for me. I said thank you anyway. I used to not take stuff like that personally, it used to make me laugh.

I think that knowing he will be leaving me in a month has been preying on my mind. I know there's nothing I can do about it, and plan to be strong and enjoy my time alone. Your H will be moving out a day or two before mine leaves. I think we can depend on each other and all of the others for support, that will be a hard time for both of us Dawn

"I am fully prepared to loose him all together, it will hurt the most that he chose a POS over us only because I will never understand the allure to become a looser. But, I won’t take it personally, I know it’s not about me.

The easiest part about this, that makes me a little different from others here, is that I am not in love w him anymore. I can be hurt by him, but that hurt comes from my brain that says why don’t you put all this effort into fixing our life and getting me back to a place of loving and wanting you."

Hmmm, so you love him but are not in love with him anymore Sorry I could not resist that! I guess not loving him so desperately anymore does help to detach. It would hurt horribly to have him pick that loser over you. But you know if he does, it will just be temporary. If my H chooses the Tramp over me, it will not be temporary because I will be done at that point. Is that how you feel?

I just realized I"m not as afraid of him going away as I am of how he will be acting when he returns. When he returned from the Tramp's 2 week visit in March, he swooped me up in his arms and kissed me and we ML. He seemed so happy to see me. So I believed all of his lies about them just being friends and that they had not had sex, just kissed. But she got crazier and crazier and started really pushing him to divorce me and marry her, and on April 12th he delivered BD#2. I was totally heart broken. Oh Dawn, why do you say you are expecting another BD?

I searched for you on FaceBook, I searched DB and Dawn and DMarie and I.am.DMarie. Can you give me a clue without giving yourself away? I will send you a friend request, and will suggest some friends for you too. Then we can send each other FB messages and exchange other information more safely if you want that.

[RosaLinda]

On second thought don't give me a clue as to your FB identity Dawn, I'll keep searching for you. Safety first, these threads are easily searchable on google etc. i'll keep racking my brain. I'll get it eventually