Is it too soon to give up hope?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Intimacy was an issue. Ed was an occasional issue that i solved through medication. I didn't always need meds but w would get very dissapointed if parts were not working. i had run out of meds right before she left. And the last time we tried to make love, i had Ed and may have been the last straw. i always took care of her in other ways (and she told me that I was good at that) but she wanted more. The biggest issue with our intimacy was if we did anything unusual I would have trouble lasting. She asked asked me once if I had ever had "great sex", implying that she had but not with me. Most times we made love she was able to "o". But I know that it is about more than that.

My solution. Since we split up I have been to therapy, read books on the problem, read women's romance novels, read 50 shades of gray books, seeked out other information on the Internet. I am not sure how I can show her that I have made a 180 in this area. I am more than willing to go back to therapy if/when we start a new relationship.

I do try to teach my kids about commitment in relationships. My parents are still togeer after 53 years. I grew up not believing in divorce. Nonetheless, I was not able to save my first marriage and that probably damaged the kids more. But I hope I am setting a good example by trying to save this marriage.

I try to be the best person I can be. I can cook and clean and stay healthy and take care of her .. But I am not sure how she will see those changes. I just do them for me.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

She responded .. See very bottom

Monday
Me (mid-morning): Saw gin blossoms on beach in Santa Cruz over weekend… reminded me of seeing Eddie Money with your dad. Hope your throat is getting better and you are taking care of you! … Or at least avoiding stemless wine glasses

Her (night time): Yes, lots of wonderful, memories we have!!! Was in the mountains with dad this weekend… Brought back memories of Tahoe trips. Talked about it all weekend. Hiked alone around cabin made me think of all our hiking trips.

Tuesday
Me(mid-morning): Tahoe was always your happy place Kim. Hope your weekend trip had a similar effect on you. The full moon was amazing this past weekend. It must have been magical to see from deep inside the woods away from the city lights. Hope you don’t get too wet today in the rain.

Her (Night time): Had a wonderful weekend. Hope yours was just as wonderful. Goood night, Stephen


Wednesday afternoon
Me: We got a tax refund! Red or Black? Quick!!
Her: I don’t understand. (I thought for sure she would get it right away)
Me: I’m at the roulette wheel.. Red or black or should we do green?
Her: I’m laughing now… How much? Enough to plan Vegas trip to double our $$$
Me: xxxx fed xxxx state. But it’s all gone now. I went with green
Her: you suck!!! Was looking forward to going to Vegas. Do we need to meet for signatures?
Me: Maybe.. Waiting to hear back from Midge. Can still do Vegas.. As I recall I have some southwest credit
Her: Yes, u have southwest credit!!! Let me know
Me: I’ll let you know what Midge says, but Im ready to book Vegas right now. I’m feeling in the mood for an adventure, and you should come along for the ride!
Her: I would love to but really can’t afford the trip
Me (hour later): Get your black dress ready, give me some dates, trip is on me Kimberly

Her: (three days later) I am in ... Just let me know when

Thoughts?????

[AnotherStander]

Her: (three days later) I am in ... Just let me know when

Thoughts?????

My first thoughts are that you are just playing right into the self-destructive behavior that you've already described in her:

She claims to be broken and is ok with being broken. She is leading a very wild lifestyle right now and is enjoying herself on the surface. She is drinking a lot and showing other destructive behavior that she didn't show while we were together.

Wild lifestyle, drinking a lot, other destructive behavior. So you're going to take her to Vegas. What do you hope to gain from this?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I am hoping to have fun. I will certainly not bring up the relationship. If the trip actually happens (we still have to agree on a date), I expect that I will be her fun toy for the weekend. And in my case, better intimacy is one of my 180s, so I will be able to show her that.

[25yearsmlc]

If you truly do Not do ANY R talk and No pursuit, then i think your risk is low.

You have to show her the new (guy she fell in love with) Confident good provider man who takes care of himself, who is a GREAT CATCH and a man only a fool would leave...

And if you can pull that off for just weekend (no one can do it for long, at this stage. But you can beg it plead it get mad---LATER, just Not on the Fun Time)....

Then you give her something to miss...

Let her fear losing you. That's a must. Do you understand?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

So the trip is booked and will take place the 26th thru the 28th. She sounds excited. I am going to avoid relationship talk at all costs. I am hoping that she won't throw any curve balls that I can't handle. My hope is that we will have a great time and then, after a cooling period, start to date more regularly after this trip. My current plan is to give her a lot of space immediately following the trip.

Some things to note. Her birthday is two weeks before (13th) and our anniversary is the 23rd. I will probably send her a happy birthday text on her birthday and not even mention the anniversary.

[Thumpered]

I think your post was fine, right up until you said "after a cooling off period, start to date more regularly".

Your already trying to "plan" a future, I do the same thing myself. BUT, that's exactly how you get disappointed!!! If your gonna do this, do it with no expectations, now or in the future. I think, to our spouses anyways, it comes off as you trying to "control". Have a good time, that's all!!

I hope you have a good time, I lived there a long time, and one thing i'll never forget about vegas. THERE ARE NO RULES, so be prepared, people are there to have fun, and don't care much about consequenses. I've seen a TON of marriages end on those casino floors after a few drinks. Half the town is in MLC mode.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Our wedding anniversary in next Tuesday. Should I just ignore it? We leave for Vegas together next Friday.

[Thumpered]

imo, forget about bringing it up, it will feel like pressure if she feels like she must respond.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Wife text me happy anniversary and reconfirmed Vegas. I replied that Vegas is still a go and we had a magical day four years ago and I was looking forward to seeing her.