Your L recommended you not say anything. Yet you continually have an itch about telling your W about how you understand how she felt, etc. Things that you had already told her before over the span of this whole situation.
Protect yourself first (based off of what L is saying) and after things are settled, you can tell her whatever you want. After all, her heart hasn't softened at all since she hasn't dropped the TRO against you. Saying something now isn't going to progress your situation.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Leftie... I can understand the urge to get in the last word. I have the same urges. I have resisted every urge to do so. I have resisted every urge to respond to her FB stuff before I blocked her off my news feed back in early May and her ultimately unfriending me and blocking me (she did me a favor and did not know it).
I want to say a lot of the same things to my w that you do. However, refer back to the conversation I had with myself... "What magic words could you possibly say to W that will miraculously make her see the light?" Uhmmmmmm. None.
I have a philosophy that maybe me not saying anything is actually getting in the last word. Having nothing to say can speak volumes.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
To be honest, I am a little frustrated with my L because he has said he doesn't understand my desire to R and I worry he is being unnecessarily combative.
This is where you are mistaken...you DO have control over your L. You might want to have a talk with L about your concerns about the 'combativeness' issue. Set your boundary with L and watch carefully. From the very first meeting with my own L, I outlined my expectations and what I expected of them when interacting with DXW's lawyers. There were a few times when I saw that DXW's lawyer tried to be aggressive and I did not allow my L to respond in that same fashion.
I believe it is what pretty much saved my R with DXW where we are now slowly reconnecting as friends after 9 years of no communication. Because she does not have the memory of an ugly, drawn out fight with the L's.
You decide and take back your power.
Yes, I am in agreement with other posters who urge you to follow your L's advice because of the outstanding TRO. Yet, you do have influence on your own L's behavior and actions that are separate from receiving sound legal advice.
Leftie... I can understand the urge to get in the last word. I have the same urges. I have resisted every urge to do so. I have resisted every urge to respond to her FB stuff before I blocked her off my news feed back in early May and her ultimately unfriending me and blocking me (she did me a favor and did not know it).
I want to say a lot of the same things to my w that you do. However, refer back to the conversation I had with myself... "What magic words could you possibly say to W that will miraculously make her see the light?" Uhmmmmmm. None.
I have a philosophy that maybe me not saying anything is actually getting in the last word. Having nothing to say can speak volumes.
MrCAS: Thanks for stopping by and the follow! I'm still not sure how I'm trying to get in the last word. I just want to reply to the first communication from my W since January. I'm trying to further a dialogue, not get in the "last word."
Originally Posted By: Wonka
You might want to have a talk with L about your concerns about the 'combativeness' issue. Set your boundary with L and watch carefully. From the very first meeting with my own L, I outlined my expectations and what I expected of them when interacting with DXW's lawyers. There were a few times when I saw that DXW's lawyer tried to be aggressive and I did not allow my L to respond in that same fashion.
Thanks for the advice, Wonka! I'll keep that in mind.
This is going to be a weird conference, I guess my L will do all the talking to my W and I will just sit there. It's going to be a fine tightrope to walk to do this without looking like an arrogant jerk or a mopey dope.
The last word meaning explaining yourself yet again. You have already explained yourself to her. There is no need to do it again.
I used to work for a couple. The W would explain her side seven different ways and yet say the same thing over and over ad nauseum. Because of dealing with her, I learned that I wanted to do the same with my W... Say the same things over and over but worded differently whilst secretly hoping I would stumble across the magic words that would change her mind. Learning from other people's pain I have learned that these words do not exist in any known language that our WASs will ever understand.
Dignity. Integrity. These are what you are going to need to show her. I believe you have it in you.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Thank you, sandi2. I always thought it was untrue, but then I reflected on the few confirmed cheaters I knew and realized that they haven't changed their spots. I want to believe in change and redemption, and it's nice to know most people here do too.
Any thoughts on how I should act & if I should say anything at the settlement hearing?
I have never had the experience (thank God)of a settlement hearing,so that's one reason I've hesitated in responding. I think I can see both sides of this situation. I can identify with being the one who wants to explain their actions. Call it a need for justification or fairness, I don't know. But I think I get you wanting the opportunity to just explain things to your W, so she won't have misunderstandings about your part of the settlement, and to know that you own your part of the breakdown, etc.
The other side is how your W may see this. She may prefer that the two lawyers do all the talking. If you began directing conversation at her....it may embarrass her or make her very angry. I just don't think it will be received with the same emotion that you give it. The time & place may seem to be most appropriate to you....but it may not feel that way at all to her (as crazy as it may seem to you).
I know you have a very strong need to tell her these things on your heart. If you are forced to leave this M, you want to leave with her not thinking something worse than she did in the beginning of this process.
As I said before, I have the same needs with people who aren't even close to me. So, would I be too far out in left field if I thought the same about you? This is really what you are needing b/c you can't stand to think of ending things with you looking like the bad guy. You just want to "explain".
Let me ask you....why do you have to say it at the hearing? Is it b/c you would be face to face with her? Could you not wait until it is over and maybe put it in an email or letter? Give it a couple of days to cool down, so her emotions won't be wound as tightly. Speaking from the other side of the fence, I don't think she will be receptive of anything you try to say to her the day of the hearing. "Timing" is everything!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks again for the reply, I'm on my way out the door but will re-read it and try to absorb it later this morning. Just wanted to clarify my W does not have a L.
I have never had the experience (thank God)of a settlement hearing,so that's one reason I've hesitated in responding. I think I can see both sides of this situation. I can identify with being the one who wants to explain their actions. Call it a need for justification or fairness, I don't know. But I think I get you wanting the opportunity to just explain things to your W, so she won't have misunderstandings about your part of the settlement, and to know that you own your part of the breakdown, etc.
Thank you! I was beginning to think nobody understood my intentions here...
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The other side is how your W may see this. She may prefer that the two lawyers do all the talking. If you began directing conversation at her....it may embarrass her or make her very angry.
Yeah, see, she doesn't have a L, so she will be doing all the talking for herself and I believe she already feels put-upon by this. That has been impression by previous court engagements. She has expressed anger that I have a lawyer. Our initial intent after the BD was to have an amicable D with the help of one of her work friends who is a paralegal. I didn't feel entirely comfortable with that, but I tried to work with the paralegal briefly. I studied on my rights and intended to have a L look at a hypothetical settlement before I signed anything. My W was never present at the meetings. My W's initial settlement offer was outrageous and I let the PL know that. The TRO was filed a few weeks later before anything else could proceed, and it was at that point that I got a L. I'm not sure what else she expected me to do.
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I just don't think it will be received with the same emotion that you give it. The time & place may seem to be most appropriate to you....but it may not feel that way at all to her (as crazy as it may seem to you).
No, I'm sure you're right. Even though she tried to communicate with me for the first in months over the weekend, her text was very much textbook WAW. The only thing about this time/place is that it seems like it will be the last time I will be face-to-face with her.
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I know you have a very strong need to tell her these things on your heart. If you are forced to leave this M, you want to leave with her not thinking something worse than she did in the beginning of this process.
EXACTLY!!!
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As I said before, I have the same needs with people who aren't even close to me. So, would I be too far out in left field if I thought the same about you? This is really what you are needing b/c you can't stand to think of ending things with you looking like the bad guy. You just want to "explain".
Well, I WAS a bad guy during our M by neglecting her needs and taking her for granted. I just want her to know that I've stopped,I'm sorry, I don't hate her for what she felt she had to do, and I wish her the best. I'm glad you understand and don't think I'm being an unattractive wuss of a man. I've seen you swing a clue-by-four pretty hard at some of the other people around here.
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Let me ask you....why do you have to say it at the hearing? Is it b/c you would be face to face with her? Could you not wait until it is over and maybe put it in an email or letter? Give it a couple of days to cool down, so her emotions won't be wound as tightly. Speaking from the other side of the fence, I don't think she will be receptive of anything you try to say to her the day of the hearing. "Timing" is everything!
Yeah, like I said above, it's mainly a combination of her text on the weekend (first one since January, it feels like a tiny crack in her armor), the content of her text, and the feeling that this will be the last chance I will have to say something to her face. After she left on BD, she refused to communicate face-to-face again. It was all email, text, or voice calls.
I'm sure you're right about the timing though. I know how tense I am right now and I have a L who will be doing all the heavy lifting. I guess I just have to hope that the proceedings don't make her angrier again. Maybe she will finally drop the TRO. (Ha, I doubt it.)
I wish I didn't have to be there. Like I said earlier, it will be a hard tightrope to walk to 1) keep a PMA, 2) not look like an arrogant jerk, and 3) not look like a mopey dope.
Thank you again for checking in on me, I really value your input!
