Quote: HE said "I don't want to do anything I'll regret in the morning.."
The next time he says that TO HIS WIFE, if I were you it would take me all of five seconds to simply say in a perfectly content tone.."you know what, you're right..as a matter of fact, I've been thinking the same thing, I don't want to do anything I might regret either.." then put your pj's on, give him a peck on the cheek and say.."g'night dear.." that way, you have taken a subtle stand for yourself and sent him a message he can think about while he's laying there..
Quote: My gander gets up each time he is vague with his whereabouts. My C gave me personal strategies to deal with that.
Here's my personal strategy, and it won't cost ya a dime.. : START BEING MORE VAGUE WITH YOUR WHEREABOUTS..
I'd let him bring up the insurance stuff, you planted a seed, he knows it will require attention, my guess is he will take the initiative, so I'd let it go. All the while you of course are:
Acting HAPPY and more CONFIDENT each day,
You're HAPPY just with the way things are.
NO PRESSURE, NO PURSUING behaviour
KEEP finding things to do on your OWN, act like you're really looking forward to your tennis gig on friday night..
When he asks where you are and when you're coming home, don't be too committal with the info..You'll get home when you get home, unless of course you agreed on something that would necessitate you altering YOUR schedule..
You're doing good Mooka, its just that when you see his actions starting to "get your gander up" don't let it get to you too much, just happily carry yourself in the SAME MANNER as he is, there's nothing wrong with that it as it will help neutralize the sitch and keep you from getting all crazy..
T2, Thanks for jumping in and suggesting to "act if"...that's what I needed to hear. Sometimes the obvious just doesn't always register!
Wiley,
I really appreciate you following my sitch and your encouraging comments and ideas. I'm not too good at being vague or mysterious...but I'll practice in the mirror! I might suggest that he stay in the city and go out for drinks (like he often does) on Fri, cuz I'm playing a mixed doubles match and going out for drinks. Is that too specific? I really liked you listing out my basic goals to stick to. It helps!
Hey...will you also give me instructions and pullling up quotes from other posts, so that I, too can refer to them? Thanks....I'm slow to catch on.
Not sure how to pull quotes, I just retype them in bold..
If he asks you what you're doing friday night, just tell him you have plans with a friend/friends....and sure, you can suggest he stay downtown for drinks, especially if you've never suggested that before...
WELL.....thanks to all of your quick advice.... I did "nothing" in regards to our issue around the insurance, timing of discussion, etc. Guess what??? He was calm, collect....asked to discuss our insurance and finance issues with all our facts. We resolved our plan, and it was over! I did not apologize, just listened and responded calmly and with confidence.
Then, yesterday morning, he decied to go into work late....yes I said LATE....(He 's married to his job at times!!...an escape in my opinion!) Anyway...we exercised, he was kind, warm...talkative. He brouhgt up our "intimacy" moments and we had a great, open, honest talk about our needs and thoughts about the other. He basically is still waiting for the real "love & passion" in our lives before we go the distance to full on ML. He has read Michele's point of view with regards to making a choice to love again, rather than waiting for the feelings....at the time, he didn't buy it. He won't read her stuff or listen to tapes, tho he's repectful that I go there for assistance. Oh well.....I guess my goals are my own.....
*To behave in new ways...to keep him off balance, so he is intruigued with me.
*To remain confident and act "as if"
*To keep busy with work and my own social activities
Quote: I did "nothing" in regards to our issue around the insurance...etc. Guess what??? He was calm, collect...ASKED TO DISCUSS OUR INSURANCE..We resplved our plan..I did not apolgize, JUST LISTENED AND RESPONDED CALMLY AND WITH CONFIDENCE.
Outstanding Mooka, you RELIEVED PRESSURE and when he of course brings it up, you react calmly and confidently, and a major hurdle is jumped, and you did it as TEAMMATES. Very well done, keep it up.
Quote: He is basically still waiting for the real 'love and Passion" in our lives before we go the distance to full on ML
No problem there, "act as if" you're right with him on that one, that you have your own issues about passion and love and whatever..too...you can certainly see where he's coming from because in some ways..YOU'RE A LITTLE CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT YOU"VE BEEN FEELING ALONG THOSE LINES AS WELL.. A general rule of thumb Mooka: When your S isn't sure about his feelings about you or the M the passion, the sex the whatever, always listen and when he's done, sincerely agree and once in awhile give him the subtle impression that you might just be having some of the same thoughts. That way, you always keep the playing field level, and you plant a subtle seed in his mind that this isn't JUST ABOUT HIM, you just might not be too sure about contimually being passionate for someone who doesn't feel passion for you..When you give him a little taste of "my needs arent't exactly getting met here either..", you again, play the game on more even terms and keep the "respect" in tact.
Quote: He has read Michele's point of view with regards to making a choice to love again, rather than waiting for the feelings..at the time he didn't buy it.
My W didn't buy it either Mooka, and thats a common response. I can see where he's coming from, allthough Michele has a valid point. But a more natural human behaviour is to FEEL love first in whatever form each of us do, and then CHOOSE to act upon it in ways that allow love to grow and to create a meaningful R. My guess is your H just doesn't quite feel that "intangible" something that motivates one's heart to carry out the choice Michele is getting at. And being the guy he is, his pride isn't going allow a book or tape to "fix" him, that the way we are sometimes. My W told me if she just "felt" an ounce of the way she "feels" she should towards her H, she wouldn't throw everything away. She insists she should feel "something" for someone she's going to spend the rest of her days with and she just doesn't, so now I've given her her freedom to pursue that, lets see what happens..
Thanks so much for jumping in so quickly with positive reinforcements and new ideas for the future baby steps. I really appreciate the male perspective, too. You are wise beyond your years! I like your ideas about agreeing with H about the "love and passion".....cuz in a sense you hit the target...I don't to confuse the situation, unless I can feel good about our potential future together. You are dead on with that concept. And he needs to get a clue that he's not meeting my needs either.
I followed some of your sitch....and know you've gone the long haul. You deserve much happiness in your future...and however it goes, I think you will find it ten-fold.
T2 -Thanks for your words of encouragement, too. The basics of DBing are sometimes blurred in the moment. You saw through my ramblings and guided me swiftly forward.
H was in town all week (often travels, so this was unusual) I worked 2 nights and was out last night with a new church group...Alpha Training. So, we have barely been around each other....just sleep side by side (no touching), talk briefly in the morning when I drive him to the train. I had plans tonight for a mixed doubles tennis match, but they were cancelled. He was going to join his "co-workers" for a drink after work...a usual routine on Fridays. ( I always figure that OW is there, since she is one of his main co-workers) He usually comes home between 8-9pm on Fridays. I have tried to keep busy on Fri nights and often are not home. Or at least act "as if" He said this morning he has to work most of Sat & Sun...common this time of year for him. I said I had to work on Sat, too.
He mentioned just before he got out of the car this morning, that he really needed to figure out his personal life....that he is putting too much energy into his work. I think he implied, that he is thinking of moving out come March or so. He mentioned that 2 weeks ago. Tho, he has mentioned moving out on his wown several times over the past 5 months....and has not, yet. It looms in my mind. I usually say nothing....I think if I agree, that would encourage him to leave, and if I debated it, it might push him out faster. It's his deal. He'll have to figure it all out. It bothers me deep inside, tho. But I've been reading a lot of "Hoping's" sitch over the past 2 years and have gotten lots of comfort in everyone's input regarding separation. Her sitch is working out now....very encouraging. Same with Lostlove. And KAW has given lots of good input, too. You all help many of us whether you know it or not.
My goals for this weekend:
Act "as if" when H is around.
Be happy with myself...cheerful
Exercise around H (he always watches me and seems intrigued.
I found you...things sound better.maintain the friendship level...from what my h has said, and I have only discussed it all 1 time, but I am assuming th s who has had an a is going to keep on the train, until something, someone get's them off...be it God, concience..time..guilt...so give him the space and let him know that you are willing to wait..I do assume that is what you want? I know they say never "assume"...take it one day at a time
Quote: And being the guy he is, his pride isn't going allow a book or tape to "fix" him, that the way we are sometimes.
Ain't that the truth!!! LOL!!!
My H, who is in fact very brainy, who can pick up skills and info really quickly when he sets his mind to it, would completely pooh pooh the idea that any 'self help' book could ever HELP HIM!!!!
And Mooka, about the thing where you and H have a nice intimate evening/night, then H is distant the next morning, ditto with my situation, when H spent five days here recently. He was 'afraid' I would read something into it! Didn't want to give me the wrong idea!
It is so WIERD having your spouse being wary about feeling something for you, being afraid that tongues might wag if people see you getting on well together, being together!
I think in my H's case, it's because he went around announcing to the world, post bomb, in a very arrogant and swaggering way, that it was all over, things were going to change, oh yes they were...
Now, he would have to go back on all that???
Anyhow, Mooka, the fact that your H keeps postponing his departure also speaks volumes!
Hang on in there!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
: START BEING MORE VAGUE WITH YOUR WHEREABOUTS..
