How do you think I found the letter?? LOL!! And the snooping precipitated BD in my case, so you think I would learn my lesson.
H does not lock phone anymore and sometimes leaves it. I haven't looked in ages.
But I always find snooping has more to do with my state of mind at the time...What is H thinking? Where was he? etc etc. But those answers do not ever give me a real answer, because I can only guess the whys. Even asking H, I would still be guessing whys, he has lied so often it is hard to trust.
When I am really detached, I don't snoop, because I don't need to. When I get sucked back in or having emotionally unstable bouts, I do. Those are the times to stay away from H's stuff, get out, GAL etc!
Linda, thanks again for giving your prospective. You wrote on Raine’s tread:
Originally Posted By: LindaM
The spring and summer before my H and EA1 broke up, he befriended multiple divorced or widowed Russian female language partners. Seven or eight of them. He wrote the exact same things to each one, pottraying himself as a lonely unloved man married to a cheat and liar, who he nobly stayed with for the children (actually in their 20s and 30s at this time). They all claimed to fall for him, and a torrid email exchange followed. I was seriously upset and snooping, but every relationship fell apart within 2-3 months. I finally decided the more, the merrier. If he was telling so many he loved them, he probably did not care about any.
Maybe this is what I need to expect after my H signed up on the dating site. The more, the merrier. Maybe this way he will get this out of his system quicker, LOL. I’m very curious what he is looking for in terms of relationship. I bet he doesn’t know except for “harmonious” part, hehe.
I agree with you that the things you find out when you snoop might break your heart. But, you are also right that sometimes I’m in such a dark that any possibility of snooping is very attractive.
Ruby, the snooping precipitated my BD as well. The lesson I’ve learnt is to keep it to myself. Of course I share it on this board now... But my H has no clue. I’m with you about the state of mind. I do this when I feel bad and discouraged. You are absolutely on the point when you say that snooping doesn’t give you real answers. The only thing I can say for sure if that H is lonely and cannot find what he is looking for. This is why he signed up on the dating site. He doesn’t like this internet stuff and would normally prefer to meet somebody in a regular environment, which apparently is not working for him. I guess he cannot find a partner who would be “one of the boys” and also have all these other qualities he is looking for at the bars and places he hangs around. I think he is still in a fantasy world.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
While I agree snooping isn't the right thing to do. Sometimes in a sitch in can be to your benefit, by hearing or reading what your other half feels about what you did/didn't do. It can be a step in the right direction.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Hi Linda, there is almost nothing to tell yet. I have the simple profile with no picture. I can search and look at other profiles, but I cannot send or receive e-mails or IMs. I will need to pay for these additional features. I already got a couple of e-mails (which I cannot open until I pay) and lots of requests for IM, but I’m not ready to deal with this right now. I did the search for men in ages from 45 to 50 within 30 miles from my zip code and only with the pictures in the profiles. I’ve got 2000 + matches! Let me tell you that there are quite a few pictures I liked after looking through just a few pages . There are also a lot of funny stuff. You would not believe what profile names you could see there, some of them are really stupid, hehe. I got curious I did the same search for women, and it also came up with 2000 + matches. Wow, there are so many single people around.
Now, I tried to search the area where H assigned himself, and his profile doesn’t come up. I guess it is not active yet. I know that the site doesn’t activate the profile until some required info is filled in. I guess he didn’t do that yet. Maybe he is also trying to find a perfect picture of himself, LOL. I might have opened the can of worms for myself here. I guess, this is not as bad as Facebook, but still can get very disturbing.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Been away for a while and thought I would catch up! Dating sites - they are as bad as FB.
Snooping - we have all done it. Here's my take fwiw: Snooping can be a good thing especially at the beginning. I did not snoop until after BD, but wish I had done it sooner. It allowed him a chance to lie to me that much more. Snooping prevents gaslighting, especially when they are in that beginning phase. My xSO is still furious at me for going into his e-mail because of course that completely blew his cover - he was lying to everyone, including (especially me).
But now that you know, put it away. Take that fact for what it is - maybe he is just exploring. Assumptions get us into as much trouble sometimes, I think, than anything else: assume that he is unhappy, assume that he is happy...anytime we do not have the facts, we make them up. THAT does not serve us well at all.
Bright, I still think it is good that he is contacting you and being polite. And I think that you are doing well. Maybe step back just a little i.e. back to business again for a little while. Then, if he is responsive, slowly, slowly ease into more general conversation. We all want to go from 0 to 60 in four seconds, but that is not the way this works.
Hi Portia. Thank you for your support. In my case snooping brought up the BD. He was finally tired of me suspecting him in something he thought he didn’t do. While it might have been the case in prior years of our M, I had a different feeling right before the BD. He claimed that the excessive texting and some phone calls didn’t mean anything and they were just friends. I am almost 99% sure that there was some emotional attachment, and this why he lost his temper and patience when I confronted him.
I agree that assumptions sometimes don’t proof to be true. But it is good to know that he is considering dating. It should help me to detach more and maybe do the same.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
so Bright, maybe he is just fooling around on the dating site too, with no serious intent. Exploring, like Portia says.
When you snooped before BD, did you find evidence that your H was actually "courting" that Mexican girl? My H got really angry and defensive when I confronted him too, and said that "it isn't what it appears to be." He's telling some divorced Russian slut how beautiful she is and how in love with her he is, and how much he wants to "be with her forever" and that's not what it appears to be? Just thinking about it makes me want to go punch him in the eye!
Ah Bright, what ever helps you detach is a good thing! Have you been working? Did you two split up your business?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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