Dropping the Rope

[Breakdown]

Don't think of it as quitting, think of it as starting the next, better chapter of your life. I believe you did everything you could to save your M. Maybe it didn't work but as you said you saved yourself and that is more important.

I'll echo Spartan here....you've done everything in your power, you've fought for your M, and you can feel good about that moving forward. Yes, it is scary, but it's the next phase of healing and it will get easier each day. Hang in there.

As far as the custody goes, that's tough. My advice would be to lean on your attorney and fight for what you believe is right. Don't let guilt, or anger, or any of those other emotions drive your decisions...focus on what you think is the best for the kids.

[tori2012]

GTO, BD said something important: do what you think is best for the kids, not necessarily for you... I can't imagine how hard it must be to not see the kids all the time, but if you feel they'll benefit from shared custody, then agree to it. If you think it's best for them to be with you most of the time, then talk to your H about it. Never "fight." Just tell him how you feel and come to an agreement. The agreement might take a while, but it's worth it. You can do this.
Sending you strength and love.

[littleGTO]

Thanks for your advice tori, breakdown, ruby & lost_hope,

I have not retained a lawyer as of yet. I just went to 3 separate free consultations- w 3 diff lawyers. I think I am going to going to one more free consultation to get another take on child custody.

I'm hoping the fact that he's barely taken them for the past 8+ months will be helpful in getting full physical custody.

But, I don't think it is good for them to go a whole week M-F and not see their dad either. He said he would still help w driving them to their activities but is not willing to come to the house after school to see them every day (like we did the past year). He doesn't see this as a long term solution.

ruby, when you said you have full custody but your H can see the kids anytime he wants, did you just agree to this? And, if you were to D how would that look in writing???

I don't want to give him equity in the house right now...I want to delay splitting for several years. I can save money to pay more money down later when we split and save paying interest (again).

lost- why would H have to pay for part of the mortgage after D on top of child support?

And what does child support include and not include!

Boy, I have a lot of unanswered questions.

[Breakdown]

Did you journal when he had visits with the kids? That would probably help.

Generally custody agreements are established between parties and then there's a term that basically says "and any additional visitation the parties agree to." I think of the DD as our minimum, or our guidelines if we can't get along or agree.

You're other questions likely need to be addressed by an attorney. Each state (and country) is a little different.

[lost_hope]

littleGTO, it depends on your state. All family law is slightly different. In some jurisdictions the parent that has custody for the most part is entitled to payment for the home that those kids live in. But the parent who does not have custody still has to provide for other things as well beyond just the home. It just really depends on the laws where you live so you really need to contact a lawyer to determine your entitlements.

And to be clear, I am distinguishing "legal custody" from "visitation". It is possible for one parent to have custody while the other has 100% open visitation. I don't think any parent should be not allowed to see their children. It's just that the parent with custody gets to make decisions about where they live, health care, etc. It is also possible to have shared custody where you have them for the most part but he can have a say over where they live, healthcare, big decisions, etc.

[littleGTO]

Thanks for the advice so far on child support/visitation.

H and I talked today (8 days after we agree to end our M). He made an appointment w a mediator (after consulting me originally). I already talked to & like a different team of mediators.

We agreed to see both on free consultations.

I am also seeing another L on Monday to answer some of my specific concerns regarding child custody, visitation, child support and division of assets. A lot to cover in one quick free consultation. We'll see.

Our conversation today was interesting. H said he was "getting teary" talking about D. He gave me a hug. His hugs do almost nothing for me now (but I am glad he wants to give them from time to time and I certainly don't mind receiving them).

I also got teary but for once held it together. When he left I actually went about my business and didn't really perseverate over our conversation much. A big step for me! Yeah, me!

Regarding cute D guy I have been texting with & seeing sporatically. I realize I am relying on him a bit to validate my self-worth (actually Tori helped me realize this).

I know I need to step back & let him do far more initiating. He is polite and flirting has definitely occurred on many occasions (both texting and in person), but overall I feel like I initiate WAY more than he does and sometimes he doesn't return my texts at all.

I am in NO hurry to date, so I just need to sit back & get through the next several months & see where life takes me!

BTW- am having a very good week with S9 at cub scout camp (am a den leader there)!

[JuneReN]

turtle....come to my new thread...I have cookies :))

You posted on my old one.. We can meet wherever but I was also suggesting 1 pm to a bunch of others in front of Godiva on Market. Lets you and I meet up early though kay ?

Some vets from the alt are coming along

Can't wait to meet you :))))

[JuneReN]

Ps...you sound good good GOOD!!!!!!

[tori2012]

GTO, you do sound good. Continue being aware of your emotions and you'll be in control.

Also, remember you'll need to hire an attorney to review the agreement and give you legal advice even if you use a mediator.

Thinking of you (((((((((((((()))))))))))

[littleGTO]

Today-

Had charity cancer bike ride--rode 75 miles- first time for me! I thought I might keel over near the end but with God's grace I made it.

After I crossed the finish line I sat and cried-sobbed. I realized it was from exhaustion, no family to meet me at end (as H would have definitely been there for me w kids in the past), and the hardships my family & married have been through.

When I got home H (he was at house w boys) was excited to hear about my ride. He said great job and seemed interested in hearing about it.

He came out to driveway as I was unpacking car & asked me if I ever felt like I didn't have a family anymore. Well, that was all it took for me to start crying again. I said yes & told him that I felt so alone at the bike event not having my family there to support me.

He said he feels like that all the time (since he almost never has boys at night). He even said he was out on our boat w boys today and he said it didn't feel right. I agreed & said boat would never be the same for me anymore either.

He gave me a genuine hug before he left. I don't know why but I piece of me is always a little glad when he is sad....makes me think he is really not all that happy w his decisions.

But...apptmt w mediator on Tuesday. So, on we go.