Dropping the Rope

[lost_hope]

I am glad you reached a position of clarity and acceptance. Even though it feels bad it must also feel good in some ways. I understand your sentiment exactly. I'm still in fighting mode myself, mostly because I'm having our first child in one month, but today I physically felt the intensity of love I feel for him get dimmer. It was an odd feeling and unlike anything I have felt thus far. Anyway, I wish you luck in your situation.

[JJAC2005]

AS...
I was wondering if you eventually made it full circle...I havent read your full story yet
Are you one of the sucess stories?
thnx

[littleGTO]

JJAC- I can answer for AS. He IS one of the success stories! He had made it to "the other side" and found himself and happiness too-that's the success.

ruby- thanks for the remarks. I look forward to hearing your latest thoughts too. This ain't easy! ANd, Tori says she can't make the 2nd. Still on for us? Or do you want to reschedule?

AS, Thanks again for your comments. I do wish I was as far along in my journey as you are, but I have faith I will get there some time...hopefully in the not-to-distant future!

lost_hope- Hang in there, GF. This isn't easy stuff! And, I can't begin to know what women who are pregnant and going thru all this stuff! Take one day at a time- that's all I can say

[AnotherStander]

AS...
I was wondering if you eventually made it full circle...I havent read your full story yet
Are you one of the sucess stories?
thnx

As Turtle kindly stated, I do feel like a success story But unfortunately saving my M is not part of that story. My W is invested in OM and is going to seek out a lawyer to prepare the D paperwork soon. She was recently diagnosed with cancer and is scheduled for surgery next week followed by chemo, so the D is delayed, but it's on the way. But the success is that I am truly enjoying my new life, I am more content and happy than I've been in many years, since well before BD in fact. I am excited about my future and can't wait to see what's next

[Spartan]

Not quitting has always been a big deal for me-- I want to go forward knowing I gave my M every chance that I could have

Don't think of it as quitting, think of it as starting the next, better chapter of your life. I believe you did everything you could to save your M. Maybe it didn't work but as you said you saved yourself and that is more important.

Take care of yourself and you boys. It will get easier with time and you will find happiness again.

[littleGTO]

Thank you, Spartan!

I am in a bit of a rut with the new decision to move forward w D. I know this is my path to my future.

I so want to be through this to the other side where AS is , enjoying life and excited about what lies ahead.

But there is hard work ahead to get through some very touch decision making. I guess I'm ready for advice regarding divorce.

Technically I should move over to Surviving the Big D, but all my "friends" are here. Here are my thoughts & questions:

--I have always believed that I wanted ONE HOME for my boys esp during the school week. ANd, they have ONLY lived w me since H moved out 8months ago. Now he wants them to live w him 3 days out of the week.
--Am I being selfish to fight for having the boys only in their one home during the week and then split weekend time?

--Concerning our home. The lawyer I saw in April told me that delaying splitting equity in the house is more common now. I was hoping we could wait until at least the oldest graduated hs (4 years) to split equity. But he wants to have money to buy his own house.
--Why would I agree to this when the lawyer pretty much assured me that delaying splitting equity was probable? Also, is there any advantage (other than not owning a house with him)

[7720]

Who is paying the mortgage right now or is there a mortgage? If you are it does not seem fair as you have continued to pay on it..But can't he force you to give up the equity or is that something you can fight....that is probably a question for the L...that is a big fear of mine as I have stayed in the House and W has moved out...if I have to sell the house and move out I might have to leave as property values have doubled here since we bought the house..

[littleGTO]

There is a mortgage and I am paying the mortgage. He gives me money every month to "pay the bills" which does include mortgage. But, there is an apartment too & that has been payed with combined money too. I have had no access to that apartment, so technically the money paid for that was HIS and the money to pay our mortgage was MINE.

So, I don't know what that means, really.

I too worry about refinancing & being able to afford a new mortgage on my own.

New fears to deal with.

Still would like advice about child visitation.

[lost_hope]

LittleGTO, you already have a lawyer. And I know family law in each jurisdiction is different. But if you have custody of the children for the most part he may have to pay a share of the mortgage regardless (and you wouldn't have to pay a share of his rent on new place). So be careful about relinquishing too much custody. Note, I am not talking about access or visitation but legal custody. This can make a difference and could be why he's pushing more visitation now (to make case for custody). I think children should be disrupted as little as possible and it's very common for them to remain with one parent during the week and only see the other on some weekend schedule. It's not ideal but those as the breaks when a spouse decides to leave. Since you've always had them not too sure why he's pushing now (hence my skepticism).

[JuneReN]

Hey Turtle,

I, too, agree about maintaining custody. I have full, but H can see them whenever, which is about once a week. Mine are older, but agree that the less disruption the better. As a teacher, we always know which kids are in 50/50 and which is the better parent lol. It is very disruptful in all aspects of a child's life. That being said, it can work if the mother and father have a great relationship and a ton of communication and desire for only the best possible outcome for their children.