So I don't want to rehash my whole situation but in a nutshell I'm 5 weeks away from giving birth me and WAH'a first child. Amid all our turmoil we decided to still buy a house together to enable him to spend time with our baby in a comfortable and close setting. I decided that I can't DB while pregnant. It was too much mental energy.
I am focusing on my baby and now the move, planning his nursery, etc. H has definitely checked out from our marriage and in general he has always has an easy time detaching from me even on his "in love" days. Question is, how do I learn to detach? It's so hard for me not to let him affect me even though I am starting to come to terms with the reality that he doesn't even care about me anymore (forget love, forget being in love, forget wanting to stay married). He's going to be in my life bc he wants his son.
Me 35 H 34 DS- newborn 8/13 T 8.5 M 7 H's EA - 10/11 INILWY 5/13 DBing 6/13 Don't know WTF to do 1/14
One of the hardest things to deal with a WAS is when children are involved. They get to cake eat, especially if they are the part time parent, while the LBS gets to be run over emotionally again and again everytime they see them (as long as they let them).
Trust me I get it. Your trying to detach, GAL, and otherwise move on...but your also "stuck" with the WAS in your life for a minimum of 18 yrs...but in reality is until one of the two of you pass away. Its all part of having kids in the new world we live in where shrinks, lawyers, and friends all tell spouses to walk away at the slightest inclination of unhappiness.
Now to the fun part. Once your son is born, your going to have your hands full...and a new priority will fill your life as well. Your WAS will be an afterthought for the most part. Just be careful of post partum depression, and enjoy the new life you have created. Once you feel up to it....do not hesitate to leave the baby with the WAS and go GAL for the night. Nothing crazy, but go out and do something for YOU. But dont let your WAS cake eat and have all the fun, while you are mommy 24/7....make him BE the father.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Thanks sooo much SFC_Swede! I definitely know I am going to be emotionally run over every time I see him. It's funny you say cake eating bc he bought the house with me essentially to cake eat. He came right out and said wants easy access to his son (which I can't really argue with esp since I don't have family and many friends in this country so really "need" him to a certain extent) and the ability to go stay with his mom whenever he wants (she will be like 7 minutes away from the new house). He gets to be part-time daddy and I get to be a single mom when I never would have purposely chosen that route. (Doesn't change the fact that I am so in love with my son already and of course am soo happy and thankful for his life).
With respect to PPD apparently I am in high risk to get it bc I has a miscarriage last year, have marital problems and financial worries now, and I also have general anxiety that I've never treated with medication before. I am seriously considering preemptively striking and just getting on meds once I give birth. I won't be able to b/feed but at least my son will have the benefit of a happier mother and it may help me in some ways to not be so anxious about my impending and totally unplanned single motherhood.
I am so sorry about your situation, just catching up with your posts. I hope you have a good day and nice weekend and thank you for your kind and thoughtful response.
Me 35 H 34 DS- newborn 8/13 T 8.5 M 7 H's EA - 10/11 INILWY 5/13 DBing 6/13 Don't know WTF to do 1/14
Decided to give it one last shot ... reading DB and will try to implement some of the techniques I read about after my baby is born. I am trying this for the sake of my son. I see it in his eyes ... I don't think it will work ... but I will try. This is so hard.
Me 35 H 34 DS- newborn 8/13 T 8.5 M 7 H's EA - 10/11 INILWY 5/13 DBing 6/13 Don't know WTF to do 1/14
Question is, how do I learn to detach? It's so hard for me not to let him affect me even though I am starting to come to terms with the reality that he doesn't even care about me anymore (forget love, forget being in love, forget wanting to stay married). He's going to be in my life bc he wants his son.
Quit focusing on H. Focus on you and (in a few weeks) on your child, connect with old friends and bring new ones into the mix. Get more involved with family. Get out and GAL. Get a nice stroller and go for walks in the park, get involved in a local church, go do volunteer work, maybe something like taking your baby to a retirement home (the elderly LOVE babies!) This will take your mind off H and help you detach.
Detaching is a slow process, so be patient. The key is to not sit around thinking "am I detached yet?" but to just get out and do stuff that doesn't involve your H.
Thanks Another Stander. Can I share with you my mom-friendly GAL activities for the day? Actually can I journal here?
Today I feel kind of happy and content and it has nothing to do with him (for a change). It's the thought that in 4.5 short weeks I will be meetings son. And my mom will join us and stay for almost 3 weeks. I miss her a lot and it's hard being in a different country than her now.
Anyway my GAL, Im in a bookshop/sbux now sipping decaf and finishing up thank you notes from our shower. I'm also going to read a chapter of DB and a chapter of a pArenting book I just bought. Whats Particularly significant about today? H worked from home. Usually i Tell him my exact whereabouts and would normally rush home to spend time with him (even if miserable). today i havent Told him i left work and where i am (though i will Answer if he calls) and inspnt really care what/if he eats. Im not angry just non Chalant.
Later in the week, IC session on Thursday morning and lunch with a friend on Friday.
Sorry for the random caps, I'm on my iPhone.
Thanks for reading/responding everyone! Have a nice night b
Me 35 H 34 DS- newborn 8/13 T 8.5 M 7 H's EA - 10/11 INILWY 5/13 DBing 6/13 Don't know WTF to do 1/14
What to do when you come back home and he has a major attitude? I'm trying to not let him affect me but I just feel like he's upset now b/c I'm home. I just went upstairs and called my mom. I am trying to have a PMA and generally do now but it is so hard now. Wish me luck getting through tonight! I'm just going to grab food and then come back upstairs and read. It shows he affects me but Id rather GAL and detach in the house than stay downstairs asking why he has an attitude.
Me 35 H 34 DS- newborn 8/13 T 8.5 M 7 H's EA - 10/11 INILWY 5/13 DBing 6/13 Don't know WTF to do 1/14
I think what helped me is understanding that detaching is a process. You will cycle. I am still cycling but, being aware that it is just part of the process helps me get through the down cycles.
One day you are feeling positive and confident and then the bottom falls out and you feel sad and lonely. That is cycling as I can best describe it. If someone else has another definition of cycling I would like to hear it too.
So, just know that you are going to down cycle. When you notice that you are cycling down, make sure your S isnt aware of it. Keep your PMA and loving detachment strong. Trust me, its not easy sometimes. Only let your S see you confident and positive. Come here to vent and get your feelings out. Just like you are doing.
You are doing great. Keep the GAL and 180's going.
When he has an attitude with you, tell him flat out that he is being rude and disrespectful and that he is not to speak to you that way. If you find yourself getting ready to get mad or break down in front of S, excuse yourself and go compose yourself.
It is your choice to put up with his attitude. You can also choose not to put up with it. Choose the latter and call him on it if he is being rude or disrespectful. Show him only confidence and a positive attitude and self-respect. Act AsIf you are moving forward with your life with or without him.
Love begets Love and Hate begets Hate. If he is rude and disrespectful to you, treat him politely and respectfully. It will throw him off balance. Dont be a doormat though. I feel that we must stand up for ourselves and reclaim our self-respect and self-esteem. If he is rude, tell him that he is being rude.
AnotherStander is right! Focus on you, not him.
MrBond is also correct. Have faith in the process even when you are scared and lonely. Especially when you are scared and lonely.
Remember, DBing, PMA, 180's, AsIf's are things you do to better yourself. Not to try to trick him into coming back to you.
GAL and PMA and acting as if he is never coming back will help you primarily to get on with your life. You will find that it will help you detach and move forward. He will notice when you do this. He may not react positively to it but thats his problem.
Get out and GAL. Stop worrying about him and how he is acting. Dont allow him to affect your PMA. He can only affect your PMA if you let him.
Stay strong and I hope this helps you in some small way.
