DB seemingly backfired w/ my H???

[Mimi00]

It seems he has a pattern of running from what he deems negativity, instead of pushing through or dealing with it and going on a search for "happiness".

He says when he's done with something, he's done. Nothing will change his mind.

My W did/said the same stuff. Said she needed to "work on herself," and then stopped IC. One small consolation is that this seems like a common pattern and response. She is very confused/hurt/scared, only looking at the negative and reacting in response to it.

Yes, this is my H exactly. He's so hurt and only seeing negative snapshots in his mind of our relationship, refuses to really see the good times which are far greater; yet says he's not bitter or angry towards me(shouldn't I be the one choosing not to be the bitter one, he's leaving me?).

I did not realize he was so sensitive, he always came off as so strong to me. Now I see his "strength" and some what boastful attitude at time, is just a cover for an individual who was hurting. I needed him to tell me he was hurting though, I can't be expected to be a mind reader and then you're mad I'm not "there", I didn't know.... I simply didn't know. Had I realized this things would have been totally different.

[labug]

Hi Mimi, I know this is tough and it all seems so random. But often there were clues, we were just...clueless maybe?

In you first post in this thread, you talk about not getting your needs met. This was big for me, too. What I've discovered is, I can't expect anyone to intuit my needs. I have to state them-and sometimes we do but usually it's in a charged exchange where neither person is willing to take anything in.

Had I said, "H, I really feel loved when you ______. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate it and need more of it" I might have gotten those needs fulfilled more often.

Live and learn, ask for what you need.

About the smoking and drinking, you say it was a problem but it must not have been a deal-breaker because you married him.

Did you ask him if he did these things and he lied to you?

I'm confused.

[tori2012]

Mimi, I think you're getting great advice.

Make sure that the decisions you're making now are not propelled by fear or anxiety or because you "need" to decide. Take some time to yourself to really figure out what you want...

Thank you for stopping by my thread.
((((((((())))))))

[Mimi00]

Hi Mimi, I know this is tough and it all seems so random. But often there were clues, we were just...clueless maybe?

In you first post in this thread, you talk about not getting your needs met. This was big for me, too. What I've discovered is, I can't expect anyone to intuit my needs. I have to state them-and sometimes we do but usually it's in a charged exchange where neither person is willing to take anything in.

Had I said, "H, I really feel loved when you ______. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate it and need more of it" I might have gotten those needs fulfilled more often.

Live and learn, ask for what you need.

Yes, I learned that both H and I expected eachother to "magically know" and meet each others needs with out CLEARLY communicating them.

I know I sometimes had the thought, that he should just know what to do. I now know how silly and immature that was. Closed mouths don't get fed, speak up and say what you need.

So that is what I do now.

He still is not straight forward though.
For the last 2 months I've been reading books and DB'ing, he hasn't read anything on marriage and learned any of new tools, so he still believes he's "tried everything". Yet he's learned nothing....so of course he's still the same.

Because he's "done" and no longer cares about what I think, he is more open about things he wanted to say in the past but didn't, since that's over, but he still continues to not be clear on what he wants now.

About the smoking and drinking, you say it was a problem but it must not have been a deal-breaker because you married him.

Did you ask him if he did these things and he lied to you?

I'm confused.

We knew of each other from college, we lived on the same floor. I was what the guys considered a "good girl" (no drinking, smoking, no sex until marriage) so I didn't hang out much with his crowd socially (they smoked legal and illegal things lol, drank etc... underage). H was forced to drop out of college 3 months in, because his mother purposely filled out his paper work wrong because she wanted him back home to support her. I finished college and forgot all about him, as we spoke and were friendly with each other b/c we lived on the same floor for the 3 months he was there but, that was it. We did have a mutual male friend who is the person who reconnected us 5 years later, the friend said he was totally different and he inquired about me. I was open so I gave the friend my number to give to him, he called.

In the getting to know each other stage, I asked questions such as did he still have the same lifestyle he did in college w/ the smoking, drink etc...

He told me no.

What I did not know at the time, was that he was only referring to smoking illegal substances and drinking the wine coolers or whatever it was they drank in college.

My question was across the board, but that's not the way he chose to take it(When we were in counseling, he says he didn't tell me, because I did not ask). I believe since he knew my lifestyle/beliefs didn't include those things he kept it a secret that he smoked cigarettes and drank socially.


Months passed and I grew to really like him so he decided to come for his first visit to see me. One night on the roof of my building I tried to be cute and put my hands in his jacket pocket and he grabbed my arm to stop me. So I forced my hand in and pulled out a box of cigarettes. I can't recall my reaction, but he took the box and threw it off the roof and said he was done smoking, he'd been wanting to quit, and b/c of me he was done for good.

I believed him, I was very naive to the struggle of smokers, as no one in my family smokes.....so I truly thought he was done.

After his visit we decided to pursue a relationship.
2 years passed, he'd visit me once a month for those 2 years.
Never in those 2 years did he mention cigarettes, smoking etc.... Never in those two years of us going out did he drink. All other people I know who smoke and drink do so, in front of others or excuse them selves and say "i'm going for a smoke"...never happened w/ H. So I never thought twice about it.
He even got baptized at church and was heavy into growing more spiritually while we were dating.

One new years eve we did decide to have wine with dinner, upon his suggestion, it was my first time drinking anything w/ alcohol in it. But that was it, one glass in 3 years before marriage.

We didn't have alcohol at our wedding, no objections. After we got married and finally lived in the same state, I found out over time he was still smoking cigarettes and one of the first times we go out with his new co-workers he orders a beer. I'm confused??? Who are you (he was also swearing/cursing, which I'd never heard him do)?

It wasn't the actions, it was the fact that I felt lied to/betrayed...like when he was away from me his was "himself" and he presented another version to me. BUT at the time I was too immature to separate the actions from my feelings and made it all about the actions.

This was all in the first few months of marriage, so we argued, I threatened to leave (b/c I thought this would help him see the seriousness of how I was feeling, but didn't know the harm that saying this caused at that time), his response was "i'm going to do what I want to do". He didn't try to help me understand, he just seemed to dismiss my concerns and that didn't help. If we had both been more mature at the time I could have sorted out my feelings, been more calm and we could have come to a solution. I could have helped him with trying to quit smoking (since he does want to) and been more understanding/supportive, and the drinking could have remained social(as he does it responsibly) until he made the choice for himself to stop, if he ever wanted to.

It wasn't until 2 years later, something caused me to look up a book to help w/ not smoking and I read the comments left by readers and I began to understand how hard the struggle of trying to stop smoking was. I then became more sympathetic to what H was going through. But at this point it was probably already too late, damage was done.

I saw him smoke and drink openly for the first time, 2 weeks ago, when he was here to visit. Since he's "done" with the marriage he doesn't care about hiding it anymore.
I was sitting right there, smoke blowing near my face, loving him more than ever; I wish I would have realized in our first year the things I know now, things would be different.

But also, he should have never hid it.
I put all of my issues/struggles on the table when we were dating and things were getting serious. I thought he did the same. He did not, he did not present him self 100% and give me the option to say I love you in spite of as I did with him.
So even though the issue was small, it was made big because that really hurt.

Mimi, I think you're getting great advice.

Make sure that the decisions you're making now are not propelled by fear or anxiety or because you "need" to decide. Take some time to yourself to really figure out what you want...

Thank you for stopping by my thread.
((((((((())))))))

Thank you for your words, I will do that.
I think my decision to move is because I want to get back to living.

He's living his life and loves where he is, while I'm in the place where our dreams were supposed to happen, miserable. I put my career on hold to support him to get to where he is right now. He doesn't see it that way though. I think moving will help me to move on from this R, if that is what I am supposed to do.

But I will be careful because I know could lead my self into unnecessary struggle if it's not done properly.

[Mimi00]

Feeling really down and alone for the first time in over a month. Not sure why?

Luckily at friend texted me and asked me to hang out this morning so I'm going to get ready....

[labug]

It sounds more like a "don't ask, don't tell" thing, neither of you was entirely truthful.

Again being clear in what you ask and asking for what you need will get you the R you want.

For the last 2 months I've been reading books and DB'ing, he hasn't read anything on marriage and learned any of new tools, so he still believes he's "tried everything". Yet he's learned nothing....so of course he's still the same.

He has done all he needs to do, you can't make him want to fix the marriage. You don't know that he's learned nothing, it's just not what you want him to learn.

That doesn't make him wrong or a bad person, it's just who he is.

I know, it [censored].

You're on 2 different planes right now.

Let him go, move forward.

[MrCAS]

Your H is on his journey. Maybe his journey will bring him back to you... maybe it won't.

It makes no difference what you think has or has not learned. You need to concern yourself with your growth and learning.

Feeling down sometimes is not backsliding. It is normal. Unless you are manic. LOL!

[Mimi00]

You guys are right. I don't know everything he knows/has learned, only that he knows he doesn't want to be with me lol. And I'm okay with that.


When I talked to H about my moving he suggested I wait 30 days so he could help me financially..... I don't really want his help.....I just want to be on my own, support myself and get back to who I was becoming before we met.
I took what he said into consideration so I was thinking of going in 2 weeks Instead of one lol

But then today the job called and they want me to start Aug. 18th..... exactly 30 days from today. H gets his way even when he's not around lol

I'm going to assume the job wanting that start date is God intervening and doing what's best. So we shall see what the next 30 days bring. I will be positive though I'm feeling down here and i plan to use the time productively.

I guess technically it would be a 180 allowing H to "help" financially w/ my move. In our first year of marriage I was I between jobs, he felt pressure and he accused me of not looking hard enough and marrying him so I wouldn't have to work again and wanted that I to live off him. So when I finally did get a job I made a point to only use the money from my job to pay bills I was responsible for and for anything I needed...i never used money he brought i from his job. if i didnt have enough id save and wait....So he would see that his thinking i was using him wasn't true....but in the long run that was a stupid idea b/c then he saw me as independent of him and felt not "needed".

Is allowing him to help financially w/ my move a good idea....or should I refuse his offer since I am supposed to be letting him go/focusing on me?

[MrCAS]

I kind of think that your H offering some greenback dollah scratch is his way of reaching out. It is a guy thing.

Here is an excellent opportunity to validate him. How do you think you might do that?

[Mimi00]

I kind of think that your H offering some greenback dollah scratch is his way of reaching out. It is a guy thing.

Here is an excellent opportunity to validate him. How do you think you might do that?

hmmm... I won't tell him that date is when they want me to start.... but tell him I thought about what he said, and he made great points (stroke his ego?), so I will wait 30 days and I appreciate his offer will take whatever he wants to give.

He told me to make a list of the things I would need in order to make the move go smoothly. So I will do that. (I don't need much I don't plan to take anyting but my dog and clothes. I will need first months rent/deposit/pet deposit, but I plan to have that together my self, but maybe he can cover a portion of that?)


In my focusing on my self... I totally forgot today is H's birthday.
I feel like a bad person

His family doesn't celebrate birthdays really, so the first birthday he celebrated w/ cake & gifts was our first year of dating and I've always made it a point to do something special on his birthday.
But since I've been living in the twilight zone for the past few weeks with this "dissolution, maybe we shouldn't be together, I can't love you like you need to be loved".... I totally did not catch we are not in the month of July.

o_O