Once a muse...

[SugarBaby31]

I like that Mr Bond. I'm not going to respond to his text. If he brings it up this evening when he drops off the kids, I will respond with your comment. It's perfect.

[TryingToDo180]

As my nickname suggests, I am trying to do a 180 but it is hard when H wants me to get in touch with him all the time. He always comes up with some excuse why I've got to ring him. Either it's about some post that has arrived at our house for him or something my son has done like an exam. I didn't phone him tonight like he asked me too, he is also going to the solicitor's next month to file for D so not talking to him is easy for me. I don't know whether or not he wants to talk to me because he still wants us to be good friends or that he's starting to wonder why I'm suddenly not talking to him as much. I know I should ring him about his son or letters, but I really want him to realise that I'm not going to be at his beck and call anymore!

[SugarBaby31]

We just got back from our family vacation. Immediately after H dropped us off he texted to ask if we could talk. We spoke over the phone and here are some of the things we discussed:

H: Why did you book this trip?
JPL: We both agreed we wanted to take a family trip with the kids.

H: Someone told me you shared a picture from our trip with the caption "Loving every minute of our family vacation". Why would you say that and put it online yet you block me on all social media and don't share details about your life with me? You reject me, yet say you're loving every minute?
Jpl: I did share a family picture. I did love every minute because I'm with my kids. What's not to love about that and being in Maui? I can understand how this would upset you because this is what I experience everyday. Ppl call, text and message me daily about the pictures you share of your girlfriend. Do your declarations of love for her hurt?...yes, but I can't change the way you feel.

Truthfully, I had to block him because seeing his posts in my feed killed me. Because he is a celebrity, he posts a lot.

H: I'm letting you know that I'm moving back to Sacramento and I signed a 1 year lease. I did that after we had drinks a few weeks ago. I just realized we can't have an honest conversation anymore. At first, I was trying to see how things would go between us and see how things go over time. I signed the lease because the house doesn't feel like home. You act like you're all good--like you're happy and you don't even need me.
JPL: OK. I have been honest with you. I'm moving forward, whatever that looks like. I'm choosing to be happy in any circumstance. I don't know if you expected me to be sad, pleasing or begging but I doubt anyone would find that to be attractive nor want to come home to that. I'm just choosing be happy, loving my kids, being a good person and making good choices.

H: I just want to be close to the kids and help with them more. Before I signed the lease, I was hoping to see if we could work things out over time.
JPL: I'm sorry you don't feel that way now but there is no way we could work on us when you're in love with someone else. I'm not saying that I'm not open to something in the future but there is no way we can work on us while you're in another relationship. This is your home but I can't change the way you feel about it--I have no say about where you lay your head, who you spend your time with or who you love. Those are your choices.

I ended the conversation with "I really hope you're happy and you find what you're looking for."

H sits on the phone quiet for a few seconds and responds with "mhmm".

I don't know if I screwed up or if this is progress since he brought up our R for the first time in months. Right when I start to pull back and really be happy, I've observed action on his part. My gut is that he is testing the waters. I went dark and really kicked up my detachment and GAL over the last 2 months.

Help please.

[TryingToDo180]

This happened to me the first time my H went AWOL. He had an OW, then he decided he didn't want to be with her anymore. This was after he's been away from the family home for 8 months. I rang me every day and we chatted for a while. After about a week or 2 of chatting on the phone every morning, he said he thought he was going through the male menopause. He asked me to look it up on the internet to see if it existed. Then a day later he asked to come back home. I didn't really want him back as I'd moved on and told him that a lot of water had gone under the bridge. He asked for a second chance, he said to think about it. He said that he needed to get away from this OW and if I didn't want him back he'll stay there but he wasn't happy staying there. I took him back for the sake of our son who was only 8 at the time.
It took a while to learn to trust him again. We had no counselling and I wasn't reading any self help books at the time. I wasn't even going on any marriage forums, because as far as I was concerned the marriage was over.
This time round it's different. There's no OW, no real reason for him leaving, he's just left!
I think in your situation, continue to let him take the initiative and phone you. Don't assume that he's getting closer, just look for improvements in the way you communicate.
Look for little signs that things are getting better. Always try and not lose your temper with him, even if he does with you. You need to be the better woman, someone that he will yearn to get back with. Read, read and read some more, get some IC, post on here regularly and have a PMA. Good luck Keep us posted

[SugarBaby31]

MrBond, I would love to hear from you. You've been incredibly helpful thus far.

H mentioned rejection several times on the phone--rejection from me and his family--explaining that is why he had to find love somewhere else. Is it time to 180 that or keep up being lovingly distant?

[MrBond]

The way you've been handling everything has been great. In fact, since you said that your H is a celebrity and he's been posting pix of him and his OW while you're with the kids, he's got some nerve to say how hurt HE is. I think to a certain degree he craves a certain amount of attention and for once you're not giving it to him.

What I read in his messages to you was all blameshifting. "Oh woe is me, my W and family are rejecting me. That's why I HAD to move somewhere else, blah blah blah". He hasn't taken any responsibility for the things he did. Almost all WAS's do this. I understand if he felt like you were distant with him in the past, etc., but the LAST thing a MARRIED person does is to find another person.

Unless your H is in high school, that's not the way you deal with things.

You're doing very well. Keep your concentration on your kids. And to be honest, it seems like he's monitoring your FB posts indirectly, so I would suggest you post every happy pic you have with your kids and out on your own. Show him what he's missing. Keep up the great work!

[MrBond]

Oh and since your H is a celeb, I'm not sure if you also get photographed out in public. Photos like that are priceless.

[SugarBaby31]

Thanks MrBond. Glad to know I'm on the right track.

[SugarBaby31]

R talk continues yesterday via text.

H: I realize where we are now is not R or M material...Given our history, we have always been way up and way down. Coming back with what I've done and what I personally deal with is not an option...So filing for divorce seems like an obvious step, but I'm more concerned about being a father than going through a divorce on my priority list. JPL you're amazing but I don't deserve you. You deserve someone who is honest and faithful and forthright with their feelings. I've lost my opportunity to give you that and I realize that you deserve something much better than me. I want the best for you...and I realize it's not me.

JPL: You have no right to say what is best for me or say what I want or should have. I want to understand something you said. Can you please explain, "Coming back home from what I've done and personally deal with is not an option"?

H: I've just done so much wrong. I'm so sorry and guilty. I've been hurt and I dealt with it in the worst way which was being unfaithful. Especially after we separated. OW is the most faithful I've been in 5 months.

The above exchange leaves me confused. Somehow my actions are communicating that returning is not an option. I'm trying not to mind read. Is this an instance H is speaking in absolute negatives--believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do? What should my approach be now?

[MrBond]

Don't worry about what he wrote. He's still blameshifting and presenting that "oh woe is me" attitude.

Here's the breakdown:

"Given our history, we have always been way up and way down."

"OUR"? "WE"? He still places blame on you.

"Coming back with what I've done and what I personally deal with is not an option"

Because he doesn't have the b@ll$ to confront his wrongs and takes the easy way out.

"So filing for divorce seems like an obvious step,"

To him because he obviously knows how to cope with things in a healthy manner.

"but I'm more concerned about being a father than going through a divorce on my priority list."

Translation: I'm a great dad so I can get partial custody and downplay my affairs.

"JPL you're amazing but I don't deserve you. You deserve someone who is honest and faithful and forthright with their feelings."

Falling on his sword. He is soooo gracious to "give" you away.

"I've lost my opportunity to give you that and I realize that you deserve something much better than me. I want the best for you...and I realize it's not me."

"I want" - see?

"I've just done so much wrong. I'm so sorry and guilty."

Insincere.

"I've been hurt and I dealt with it in the worst way which was being unfaithful."

See? He's blaming you first - "I've been hurt".

"Especially after we separated. OW is the most faithful I've been in 5 months."

What part of this sentence even makes the most remote bit of sense? So he's faithful to the OW? How delusional. So he can't be faithful to HIS WIFE and HIS KIDS? but wants to be a good dad?

Your response was great. Continue to tell him that he can't tell you how you're supposed to feel. Start ignoring every other call he sends in. And when he does call, make sure you're out doing something. Present him with something the OW can't ... his family and YOU.