Wife dropped the bomb on me two months ago

[BKS]

Thanks Guys,

Shouldistillhope, that is a very similar relationship path you have described for a lot of us. I find that I am getting more and more frustrated with my W and our situation. Five months of limbo really takes its toll on a person. Right now I cant imagine this limbo with no positive progress for one or two more years. YIKES!

This is a good and bad thing. I am finally starting to stick up for myself in a more assertive way with her. When she is disrespectful or hurtful, I dont hold in the feelings as much. I will tell her flat out that she is being rude, hurtful or disrespectful. I am tired of being her whipping boy. What this tells me though, is that my patience and tolerance is wearing extremely thin right now and that is not what my situation requires. I need to find the patience within me. I know this.

I have also read MrBond saying to someone here to "stop taking sch!t from her". I dont believe a wife can respect a husband with no self respect but finding that line between self respect and DBing is sometimes elusive to me.

Thanks shoulistillhope for checking in on me. And thanks to all of you who have helped me this far.

Also, Anotherstander. If you read this, I wanted to say that I am sorry that July has been a rough month for you regarding you S finding out she has cancer and you finding out about OM. As always, you are all in my prayers everyday.

I hope we all find the strength and patience to get through our individual crisis' with a positive outcome.

BKS

[BKS]

Quick Update:

W and I had a somewhat heated discussion yesterday about some of our issues. I told her that I was not comfortable, again, that divorced dad came over on Wednesday. She had my sons parents over for playdate with their kids. They had hotdogs and such. Well she invited divorced dads kids over. I have no problem with the kids being over but my wife and divorced dad know that I am not comfortable with him being here with my wife when I am not. It is one of my boundaries.

Well that caused an argument yesterday and I told W that I am tired of her disrespecting me and that divorced dad was not to be here when I am not (ultimatum).

She has not worn her wedding ring for about two months now and when we got up for breakfast this morning, she was wearing them.

Any thoughts on this development. I am confused. I told her that I was glad to see them back on her finger and asked if she wanted to talk about it. She said no and I left it at that. I dont want to scare the squirrel.

Thanks for any input.

BKS

[stilllookingup]

Why did you have to have the need to ask about the ring? Of course she's gonna say no I'm not ready to talk. Leave her alone and just observe those changes quietly for now.

[BKS]

Update:

W and I went to MC on the 26th together. BAD IDEA!!! She related to MC and me that she wants a D. We spent the last half of the session trying to figure out how to proceed.

When we got home later that evening, after dinner (together with the kids) I asked her if she had talked to an attorney and she said she had. I ask if she retained an attorney, she did.

This decision must have been weighing in on her very heavily because after dinner, she was almost giddy. She was back to her old self again and was acting like the woman I knew for these past 12 years.

I told her that it took a lot of courage to make that decision. I said I don't agree with it and that her decision will affect a lot of people. The rest of the evening was pleasant.

The next morning, she was going to run some errands and she was still acting like the woman I married. I said good bye to her and said that it was good to see her being her old self again.

Since then, we have been getting along and interacting well together. No arguments, no more limbo for me, and none of the mean and nasty negativity from her, that I have been experiencing since the BD.

I am still DBing and PMA. I will still be a STANDER until the D is final and I can confirm she has started another relationship. Until then, I have to STAND so that I know I did all I could do to the best of my ability.

Small amount of relief for me because I don't feel like I am in limbo anymore. At least I have direction now and accept the fact that I can do nothing to stop this from happening. That acceptance gave me some peace. I can now stop worrying about what she wants and does because now I know for certain what she wants.

Will update later

BKS

[MrBond]

" I said good bye to her and said that it was good to see her being her old self again. "

IMHO, That is something you shouldn't have said. It makes it sound like you approve of what she's doing. Not saying that you need to be angry at her, but you can't keep agreeing to what she's doing. If you do and give her justification for leaving you, why would she want to go back?

[shouldistillhope]

BKS,

Sorry to hear about your sitch. Same thing happened to me. Either way you look at it, it's a tough thing to deal with.

Just make sure that you are always the best dad you can be for your kids. I don't know how long it takes for the fog to life for a WAW, but with both of us, it is still early.

Work on yourself, and getting yourself to a better place in your life.

I though i was getting over my XW, but in reality i still have hopes that one day we can get back together again.

Only you can decided when it is time to give up that hope.

Best of luck.

[BKS]

Thanks to the both of you.

MrBond, Thank you for pointing that out. I am trying to keep up the PMA but you are right, I should not have said that. I still need to learn to shut my mouth.

It is hard for me to act like I am still the H she would be a fool to leave and, at the same time, let her know that I am not happy with her decision.

After she dropped this D bomb on me said to her, "it took a lot of courage to make this decision however, I dont agree with it. It affects a lot of people."

SISH,

Thank you too. It is hard to accept her decision. I too have a bit of hope. Accepting that she is leaving is very difficult for me but I am trying. Its hard to completely detach emotionally when I am still married and living together with her and our kids.

The past couple of days have been very normal at home with the caveat that she wants the D. It almost feels like we are a family again. I know that its not what she wants so I will keep working on acceptance.

[Fartiltre]

BKS,

I haven’t read your entire thread and I am not a vet. I do have a few questions for you – you do not need to answer but do give it a thought!

I asked her if she had talked to an attorney and she said she had. I ask if she retained an attorney, she did.

Why did you ask her this?


To give it just a little perspective SIS posted this in your thread:

Why did you have to have the need to ask about the ring? Of course she's gonna say no I'm not ready to talk.

Do you believe these questions apply pressure on W?
Can you come up with an answer that you would believe to serve you well?


All the best!


F

[BKS]

Fartiltre,

The question does not serve to bring her closer to me. I should know better but this all still hurts quite a lot. I am cycling in and out of acceptance right now. I understand that she is done and I need to let her go.

Because I still love her, it hurts to know that she is leaving me. I know I am not detached (at all, or at least not as much as I think I am) I only act AsIf I am. It is so hard for me to let go.

Thank you for pointing that out to me. It serves no purpose to ask her these kinds of questions other than my own curiosity. I try to look for signs that she is having second thoughts about her decision but, deep down in my heart, I feel that she is done with us and our M for good. They say to look for the little positive signs. I am not very good at interpreting her signs and signals because I am biased towards our M working out.

I just cant accept it 100% for some reason. Probably because of the DBing to some extent. I try to be the man she would be a fool to leave with the hopes of her coming back to me. That is where I think I am going wrong. That line between detachment and letting go is hard for me to wrap my head around.

Any advice on how to walk that line between detachment and letting go?

Journaling:

Just got off the phone with my son about an hour ago. W took kids to the library at around 7:15pm and my son said that they ran into divorced-dad. W has an uncanny ability to run into him everywhere when I am out of town. I really need to let this go and understand that there is a very strong chance that they will end up together when we are D (if they are not already). I don't spy on her, per Sandi's 37 rules, so I have no confirmation of this. Its a hard pill to swallow.

Thanks for checking in on me.

By the way, my MC says I am coping exceptionally well with this situation. Its funny in a way because I don't think I am doing a great job at this. Maybe a good job, but not great. I cant tell from my point of view.

I do appreciate all of you that take the time to tell me where I backslide. That helps me the most to make better decisions in the future.

Thanks to all,

BKS

[Fartiltre]

BKS,
I have been through your thread and for now I only have one advice for you!

Read through your own thread and do it NOW! Take the time and do it thoroughly!!!
Make notes when you stumble on things you shouldn’t have done, advice you haven’t followed and things like that!
When you have done this, then give your sit a workover in your mind! Evaluate your own situation, post your findings and I (and hopefully others) will get back to you!

F