Blindsided

[chl0901]

Hi everyone, I am new here and am seeking advice or anything to help me through this difficult time in my life. Here’s the background: high school sweethearts, T 11 years total, M 3 years, and 1.5 year old S. Yesterday, H and I had a misunderstanding about paying a bill (money argument, of course!) and it turned into an argument. Well, H then proceeded to tell me he was not happy with me anymore and hasn’t been for awhile, and when I asked why, he told me he was not physically attracted to me anymore. I am actually already in the process of losing some weight (currently a size 10/12 and 5’7” – goal is around a size 6). I also receive compliments often from coworkers and even strangers on my appearance, outfits, etc. so I do try and look nice. Of course his comments hurt my feelings deeply, but I asked him if there was anything about my appearance he would change, what would it be (trying to see if it was the weight, etc.). He told me nothing and that he just plain didn’t find me attractive anymore and he will not live his life unhappy and wants a divorce. I was blindsided, as we do not argue often and I felt we were in a pretty good place as far as our relationship and felt comfortable in knowing we were in it for the long haul. After he told me this (through text message, while I was at work trying to hold it together), I did not respond again because of anger and hurt feelings. On my way home from work yesterday, I was in a car accident that was unavoidable but insurance-wise I was at fault. I sent H a text letting him know about it and that I was okay while filling out the reports, and he responded, “just great. wonderful.” The police checked my car and said it should be okay to drive, and not 10 minutes later it broke down. I tried to call H and he did not answer so I was able to contact my ILs who waited for the tow with me and dropped me off at home. When I walked into the door, H made some rude comment so I said something like, “it was an accident, I can’t believe you are mad at me about it” and he responded that basically I probably did it on purpose for attention. After that remark, I slept on the couch last night because I could not stand to sleep next to him. Today, I noticed he took off his wedding ring and is not wearing it (he usually wears it 24/7). He told me earlier I could keep the house and he would get an apartment while we pay off some debt and then we can get lawyers. I do not suspect that he is having an affair. I have no reason to be suspicous but I did check the phone bill yesterday after the B and didn’t see any strange phone numbers, weird times, etc. I feel blindsided by all of this and cannot believe he will not try to work it out at all with me, even though we have a child together and I told him I will do whatever it takes to make this work. He is refusing to see a counselor and seems dead set on divorcing me. It makes me so sad that someone who I love and consider my life partner would just turn on me and be so cold. I know everyone in these forums has relationship problems as well, and it honestly makes me want to shut off from H completely at this point in order to avoid more heartache than I am already experiencing. And I can’t even think of our S in all of this. One thing that was always so important to H and myself was having a two parent home for our children. When I asked him about that yesterday, he said, “Sorry, but I’m not being unhappy for the rest of my life.” I have read the 37 rules, but any advice or thoughts on my situation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[KarenR]

Hi,
I am so sorry you are in this situation, I know how painful it is. I hope you can talk to a DB coach as soon as possible. They are experts in helping you come up with a plan in which you will be interacting with your husband in a way that can stop this 'runaway train' and give you insight and hope on how to turn things around. You want to be sure you do everything you can to make things as smooth as possible for your son as well, even if it is hard to do. I look forward to talking to you.

[chl0901]

Hi, since this B last Monday, H has told me he will "work on it," and I've agreed to stay committed to looking and feeling my best, which includes working out more and eating right. He said he will do the same (I don't have an issue with how he looks). He took me on a dinner and movie date this weekend, which went well, and then we went swimming at my ILs yesterday as a family and had a good time. I was starting to feel more confident in our situation turning around for the better, when this morning I decided to check our phone bill online. I see a ton of text messages to/from a woman who he has been friends with for 10+ years (they have kept in touch and will go through phases of talking more and then letting off). I used to have a problem with him talking so much to this OW, and I was very suspicious of their friendship. However, over time, and after sometimes snooping at their texts, I realized they seemed to be pretty innocent and I do not believe they've ever crossed any physical boundaries. It does make me very uncomfortable/nervous that they are talking so much again during this time of difficulty in our relationship. I told him last week it seemed suspicious that he was so gung-ho on leaving and he said I seemed to be insinuating he was interested in someone else and he said that was not the case, he was just physically unattracted to me and was not happy. He has also not worn his wedding ring since last week which makes me so mad, since we are still married and he has promised to work on our relationship. He still refuses counseling, because he says they will not be able to make him magically attracted to me again. I told him that he used to be attracted to me, so I think he can be again, because it's not like he never was and he said, "true." I am at a loss of what to do at this point. I am afraid if I confront him about OW friend, or him not wearing his wedding ring, I will cause a blow up, which I don't want to do.

[chl0901]

Last night, I casually asked if he'd "lost" his wedding ring, which he said he did which is why he hadn't been wearing it. He actually has another ring that is scratched up from an accident a few years ago but I found it and gave it to him and he put it on, which made me feel a little better. However, last night while he was in the shower I did try and check his text messages between him and possible OW (which I know he has been texting quite a bit the past 4-5 days) and he had deleted them all which is obviously very suspicious and makes me very uneasy. I do not feel comfortable confronting him about this right now because I do not have any proof and I also don't really want to admit I know he deleted them because then he would know I was trying to check his texts. And I'm also about 99% sure he would lie if there was something inappropriate going on anyway. The whole thing is really bothering me though. On top of that, I tried to initiate intimacy with him last night and he turned me down saying he just didn't feel like it. We usually are intimate 1-2 times a week and the last time was a week ago. Normally, I wouldn't think anything of it, but with everything going on, I can't help but my mind run wild.

[chl0901]

Last night, he turned me down when I tried to initiate intimacy again, which really hurt. He also hasn't responded when I say ILY since the BD. I am now trying to follow Sandi's 37 rules and ordered DB today, which should arrive by the end of this week. This whole sitch is awful.

[chl0901]

I know I'm still on moderation and there's a delay, but I would love any feedback that anyone has...

[Brian in Hville]

Sorry you are in this situation. But at least you found a place that will help you through this. First thing you need to stop doing is snooping. What does it change if he is texting innapropriately with this friend? Would you no longer want to save the M? All you would do is put him on the defensive which will do a number of things. One, he will back off from you even more and to this OW. Two, he will get better at hiding things. What you need to do right now is just take a breath, and start concentrating on you. you say you are working at making some changes...GREAT! Keep working on them. Find things to do to keep yourself occupied or go out and have fun! This is called GAL (Getting a Life). What it will do is show your husband that you can be fine without him and at the same time, will show him the happy side of you...the side that he is attracted to. Don't worry about if he is wearing a wedding ring or not. That is a small thing.

read some of the other situations on this board. You will find several that will be similar. See what others are doing about it. I can't promise you that if you follow the steps in the BD book (or from the advice here) that you will save your marriage. But I can promise you that you will be a better and happier person regardless!

Keep posting in this thread. Try to post your thoughts a couple of times a day. By doing this, you will soon be off of moderation and your posts will appear instantly. Don't be afraid to ask questions to people (in their thread or yours). I will add you to my prayer list.

Brian

[chl0901]

Thank you for the feedback, Brian. I am really glad I found this site; and even though I am sad for everyone in these situations on here, it makes me feel better to know I am not alone. I am definitely going to continue working on myself to be healthier and happier, with the working out and I will find some other GALs. I hope once DB arrives, I will have a better outline/idea of what the best next steps are for me. I also haven't snooped on his phone or the phone bill again, because it just makes me feel worse and my mind starts to run wild. It does help to have an outsider's POV and you telling me that helps me to not want to do that again. I've been checking out some of the other threads, and will continue to post so hopefully I will be off of moderation soon. Thanks, again!

[chl0901]

So Tuesday was a bad day - H didn't speak to me and turned me down that night when I tried to initiate intimacy. Wednesday morning started out not great, but by late afternoon H was texting me about a dr. appt he was at and asked me and S to meet him for dinner after work, which went well. We had a pleasant evening and night. I did not try again after being turned down the two precious night but was hoping H would initiate intimacy but he did not.

This morning while out at a holiday event with my S, who do I run into but possible OW! I was walking right by her and we made eye contact so I played dumb, smiled, and said hello. She pretty much had a surprised expression on her face and said hi back but then immediately turned away from me so I walked away. I did find it weird that she was not friendlier to me as we have known each other for years and she has always been talkative and friendly to me in the past. Of course that rubbed me the wrong way and I did feel bad after seeing her but I was proud of myself for the way I handled the situation. In a fantasy world, I would hope her seeing me with my S and being friendly would make her feel at least a little bit bad and back off a bit from the EA (possible PA but no proof of that) she is having with MY H. I'm trying really hard to let it all roll off my back and stay positive and work on my 180s which is difficult but I really am trying because I do not want to lose my husband. I want him to realize what he is thinking about giving up. I am still going strong with my exercise and eating right and am starting to see little results (nothing big yet) which is nice.

I am really torn about all of this because I have always been firm on leaving if my spouse were to have an A, but now that I am in the actual situation, it is really hard and confusing because I don't want to lose my H and want him to be attracted to me and happy with me again (for myself and our S), but at the same time it is also eating me up that he would do this and betray our relationship in the first place. Even though I am still on moderation and do not have much response or support yet, I do appreciate the couple of responses I have gotten and it helps to post and vent here to get my feelings out in the open somewhat.

I hope everyone has a happy holiday!

[chl0901]

It looks like I have made it off of moderation, YAY!