Bond to answer your question in detail about 8 years ago in detail and honesty. I am ashamed a little here. I monitored her work emails. Made her give me her username and pw. When she brought this up last night again I said that I understand those past behaviors were completely wrong. I've learned alot about anxiety and control over the last year and understand how terrible that behavior was.
I have to ask power, do you think theres things that you've done more recent that could have changed things or that you would do different? Or you just still dealing with the indecisive mlc wife?
Thumpered I think it is probably both. I don't know what I did for her to get back in this rut after our family vacation trip. It seemed like it came out of nowhere. She felt smothered based on a comment I made but then retracted that statement when we talked about it.
When she dropped the bomb again on me I am pretty sure my ineffective behaviors shined through making the situation deteriorate quicker. My fear of D brought my anxiety out.
To be quite honest with you as of very recent I screwed up bad. This came up last night and I've been struggling to share this information. I shared with my sponsor just now. Sunday night after she dropped D word again my mind went into spiral. 2 nights ago I was coming up the stairs to use the bathroom before bed and I could hear her talking on the phone. She talks very loudly and I could clearly hear her talking about me. So I continued to go into the bathroom and I was listening in on conversation. Being sneaky. When she came down hall I started brushing my teeth and I was totally busted. She didn't say a word until.....
last night. Here is the bad part. I lied to cover my azz up. This was the first time I truly felt it was time to get separated again. That it is becoming toxic at home. I don't know why I even listened but even worse I don't know why I lied and covered my ass. Part of me wants to admit it to her, but part of me says let it go and don't do it again.
I just shared this with my sponsor via txt. have not spoke in person with him. I know she doesn't believe my lies because she saw right through it.
the fact of the matter everything is on edge at home. Everything I do is under microscope. She told me last night that she is totally convinced my laptop running in basement was running something to steal her passwords. (not even possible, at least with my knowledge) This is her own anxiety and insecurities playing into mine.
Believe me I am doing my work with Alanon and steps but I am very early on in the steps. Step 1. Basically defining some of the characteristics of me. Dishonestly, selfishness, etc..
Do I let this go? I've already lied. Admitting it now would just fuel the flames
Thumpered I think it is probably both. I don't know what I did for her to get back in this rut after our family vacation trip. It seemed like it came out of nowhere. She felt smothered based on a comment I made but then retracted that statement when we talked about it.
When she dropped the bomb again on me I am pretty sure my ineffective behaviors shined through making the situation deteriorate quicker. My fear of D brought my anxiety out.
To be quite honest with you as of very recent I screwed up bad. This came up last night and I've been struggling to share this information. I shared with my sponsor just now. Sunday night after she dropped D word again my mind went into spiral. well at the time, you handled it well. Your "spiraling" and "spinning" are significant issues for you. I'd worry about those a lot more and HERS a lot less.
2 nights ago I was coming up the stairs to use the bathroom before bed and I could hear her talking on the phone. She talks very loudly and I could clearly hear her talking about me. So I continued to go into the bathroom and I was listening in on conversation. Being sneaky. When she came down hall I started brushing my teeth and I was totally busted. She didn't say a word until..... OKAY so overhearing a loud person talking about you, is NOT quite the same as demanding and then using someone's passwords. I even wonder if she wanted you to hear her. IT's not as if she was discreet. Who talks LOUDLY when they do not want to be heard?
last night. Here is the bad part. I lied to cover my azz up.
Okay, don't lie next time.
Why not say "W, I didn't want you to equate my overhearing your stage voice and NOT being able to shut it out, with some sort of privacy violation.
AND Since you give every single thing I do the same negative weight, I denied it. But of course I heard you. That's what you wanted, right?"
This was the first time I truly felt it was time to get separated again. I can understand you wanting to be NOT under the same roof. I get that.
But why THIS^^ event causes you to feel that way, I do not get. I think she's effective in how low she makes you feel. Too bad.
That it is becoming toxic at home. I don't know why I even listened but even worse I don't know why I lied and covered my ass. Part of me wants to admit it to her, but part of me says let it go and don't do it again.
On one hand, I have no idea why you'd want to inflict pain on yourself. Reading her emails or texts or listening in, seems to me, cannot yield you a positive result at all.
As for what to say, you can ask around here. I just think she's being weird to talk so loudly and then get mad that you heard her. So, from my pov, which might be wrong, I say
See above^^
I just shared this with my sponsor via txt. have not spoke in person with him. I know she doesn't believe my lies because she saw right through it. Stop being so defensive. It's quite possible she set you up. Talks loudly so you CAN hear and then tempts you into listening, BAITING you and you took the bait. So now she can be all self righteous...what a weird dance.
Stop dancing to her tune.
the fact of the matter everything is on edge at home. Everything I do is under microscope. Hasn't this been going on for some time now? Two or four months or what?
I KNOW it's hard. I get it. I can tell you that when my h left the house, I would breathe a sigh of relief AND feel sad at the same time...weird but true. I had to embrace the reduced tension b/c I did not want to choose to be miserable and had kids watching. What choice did I really have?
I suggest you do the same.
She told me last night that she is totally convinced my laptop running in basement was running something to steal her passwords. (not even possible, at least with my knowledge) This is her own anxiety and insecurities playing into mine. Stop dancing. Tell her you cannot help what she believes or feels or thinks or eats or imagines or fears or hates or dreams...you never could. And you are NOT going to try anymore.
If she persists, tell her to hire a PC guru who can "prove' it to her if that will make her heart stop racing or whatever other symptoms she has of being anxious. (OR to see a doctor!!)
Believe me I am doing my work with Alanon and steps but I am very early on in the steps. Step 1. Basically defining some of the characteristics of me. Dishonestly, selfishness, etc.. Um, how about fear based choice making, wallowing in self loathing and believing the negative ACOA comments some parent made, a parent who wasn't well, made to you as a child.
Stop believing the lies you were told then, AND OR now.
Why not stress other parts, like a man who wants to be noble? A man willing to attend a "personal growth" workshop, AND Al Anon AND ACOA AND read up on books AND come here to post?
Why not talk about a man who wants to be happy and healthy AND is willing to do whatever that takes?
How about mentioning a man who would kill or die for his children and values their time and loves being with them? Those are not small traits PON...
but sure, do your work. I just think the "new PON" is not a mean guy. You're a hurt wounded FEARFUL guy --who lies out of fear--and I hope and pray that changes.
But it's up to you.
Do I let this go? I've already lied. Admitting it now would just fuel the flames
See above^^ about how to handle it. And though we always stress ownership here, you are taking on too much IMO.
Why not ask her WTH she talks so loudly and then pretends to be shocked that you heard her? And she is indignant??
IF you spoke of her to someone else the way she spoke of you, wouldn't she be reaming you a new one?
I just don't see this as near the same level of "intrusion" as passwords and reading texts, etc.
I see it as a possible set up. I'd put it back in HER lap and ask her why she talks about you that way AND SO loudly?
Ask her for ONE MINUTE to put herself in your shoes and mention the obvious double standard.
Stop all the apologies. Seriously...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
stuck to my guns. Took kids to vaca house without her. Took them at the time I wanted. Kids were sooooo excited. I am here. Tomorrow is another day. Can't wait to spend it with the kids
Was it that she was talking about you or what was said about you that caused u to trigger?
Not that it matters actually. If you know it trggers you, remove yourself from the equation. I know when my wife starts texting, its time to take a walk.
Do you know all your triggers yet. I made myself a list, when they come up I get out, the gym, a walk, go outside and call a friend or family member, play a game on my phone. Its really allowed me to detach lately and not take it personally.
If you know the triggers in advance its a lot easier to deal with before the anxiety kixks in.
lessen the number of triggers in you so your life is better
OR
get a trigger lock.
the way it is now is not alright.
But have a FUN weekend with the kids. You are modelling for them that "daddy time is just fine, thank you very much."
Enjoy them. Be in the moment with them. No obsessing or worrying. Treasure your time with them. They grow so fast and you won't get this weekend back.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
