7 months pregnant ... Facing separation

[lost_hope]

Hello DB community. After trying to employ some of the techniques I've found on here (unsuccessfully I admit) I am finally joining. My situation very briefly, I am 7 moms pregnant with our first child. We have been together for 8 years, married for 6.5. I moved out of the US to Canada to be with him. We've had out share of ups and downs but our arguments are typically always the same --- he is inattentive, cold, and harsh; I am emotional, somewhat needy, and hot. It's funny bc the thing that made me fall for him was his overly hot pursuit of me when we first met (I was dating someone else).

The last two years have been the worst for us. I discovered an EA he was having with his ex (their friendship being a source of our issues apparently rightfully so). They had this EA at a time when we were unofficially separated (I moved into our condo when I became available for possession, he chose to stay at his moms where we lived while the condo was being built). Don't want to harp on that too much but suffice it to say I have intense trust issues that contribute to my clinginess. He is done with her and I have no reason to believe she is the current source of his issues.

Anyway, we got pregnant when he came back to me after a few months and lost that baby. That was difficult for both of us and we almost cracked again under that strain. Now I am pregnant again and for the past two months he has been pulling away. He finally admitted he was scared of losing some independence with the baby and wanted to spend time with his friends before the birth. But he also said some pretty nasty things when prodded ( revolving around all of the thing he dislikes about me). I had to force this conversation by the way because he wouldn't talk to me, stopped being intimate in any way and spent all of his free time at work and with friends. Well he said he's not happy and that he doesn't see a future for us. He said even if we work it out it would just be temporary and eventually we will break up but it will be harder for our son. Although sometimes he tells me just to give him time and wait it out until the baby arrives, then he'll spend more time at home?? I actually don't know what it is he wants.

I have thought if walking away but I'm also in a difficult position. I am pregnant and despite everything I want our family to work. I've done some things but hard to employ DB techniques when you're attending parental classes and shopping for baby furniture. To make matters worse after months of no hits on our condo we finally got an offer. We are accepting it. I kicked him out last week (because I couldnt take the coldness and lack of attention anymore, it was affecting my mental health and my pregnancy). Despite that we are still looking at houses to buy.


I'm confused and don't know what to do. He clearly doesn't like me hot so I've tried to cool off my pursuit. I've employed some 180 and some going dark but can't sustain the darkness bc of my condition. He also doesnt like it and thinks its disrespectful. He mostly says he doesn't want to work on things and we generally argue, but then he does things like come over to sleep with me last night unannounced for no reason (we don't have sex anymore bc of some issues in pregnancy). I want to work things out but I also don't want to be a doormat and I don't want to save something if he is truly unhappy. I know going dark bugs him and then he pursues (but doesn't really change) as does some of the 180.

I'm at a crossroads. Do I just take him at his word and move on (180 style to show him I am "ok" with his decision)? That would mean I would find an apartment for me and my son to live in. Or do I buy a house with him, employ some DB techniques and hope for the best? This is all so much to bear being as pregnant as I am. We have until end of Aug to vacate this place and find an alternate living arrangement, though baby is due a bit earlier in August.

[slow_it_down]

Hey Lost Hope,
First, I'm sorry you find yourself here and find yourself in a situation quite similar to my own (7 mo pregnant and separated).

I'm no vet but I will say that the more major life decisions you can avoid right now the better. Buying a house sounds like a huge amount of pressure at a time when things are very fragile. Once again, I'm no expert but if you can find a place to rent even for 6 mo to a year you will be in a much better place to figure out where you'll live long term without scaring him away right now.

Also, I find myself counting down the weeks to having this baby and feeling like I just have to have everything figured out before my due date. The truth is this baby won't remember anything about his life until he's 2.5 to 3 years old. That gives you (and me) a solid 3 years to work through our marriage crisis before it will really impact how our kids remember their lives. It takes a lot of pressure off my back knowing that whether H and I work this out or not I can certainly see us being on much better ground in 2 years, either as co parents or husband and wife.

If you can, try to focus on not letting him get you worked up, staying healthy and active and just letting him have time to work through what he's feeling. You don't need to decide today whether things will work out or not. Save that for next week, next month or next year.

Hang in there. Sending you prayers!

[Accuray]

You've got a whole lot of issues swirling right now, and you're on moderation so your replies will be delayed. The more you post, the faster you'll come off moderation.

Your longer term issue is characterized as "pursuer/distancer" and is often referred to is the pursuer/distancer dance. It works something like this: H originally loved the pursuit, but when he "had" you, he cooled off. His withdrawal left you "starved" for the connection you need, and to get it, you tried to pursue him to get it. i.e. if you want him to call you during the day, you call him. If you want him to invite you on date nights, you invite him.

Eventually, you get tired of it and withdraw yourself. You stop calling, you stop scheduling dates, and you retreat emotionally. After some time, he notices this and it makes him uncomfortable, so he reaches out to you and does some of the things you need.

You take that as a sign that things are going to get better, so you "move back in" emotionally, and try to take things up a level. That results in him withdrawing again, you try to fill the gap, and the cycle repeats -- that's why it's called a "dance", it keeps going around and around.

There's an excellent book that describes this dynamic called "The Solo Partner", but it is unfortunately out of print. You can often find a copy at a library or sold used online through various sources -- highly recommend it!

So what causes this horrible dynamic that is really no fun for either partner?

What it comes down to is that everyone likes a certain amount of "emotional distance". If we convert it to physical terms, let's say that Mrs. X likes her husband to stand 3 feet away from her, but she's comfortable in the range of 1 to 5 feet. Her husband, Mr. Y, likes his wife to stand 4 feet away from him, but he is comfortable in a range of 2 to 6 feet.

Most of the time, they will be between 2 and 5 feet away from each other, so they'll be comfortable together. When Mrs. X moves into 1 foot, however, Mr Y is going to distance, because it's too close for him. When Mr Y moves out to 6 feet, Mrs. X is going to complain and/or pursue, because that's too far away for her. In relationships that are NOT characterized by pursuer/distancer, the partners have enough overlap between their comfortable emotional distance that the difference almost never causes an issue because it's within their range of comfort, even if it is slightly different.

In pursuer distancer, Mrs. X might be comfortable with 1 to 4, but Mr Y. is comfortable with 4 to 8. Therefore, the *majority* of the time their distance gap is going to create problems, and only by exception will they be aligned (both at 4). Those times will seem "really really good" to both of them, but will be too few and far between.

So what do you do about it?

Unfortunately, overcoming it requires both parties to work on themselves, which requires motivation.

The "close" partner needs to determine if their comfort range is unreasonably small, or they need people unreasonably close. Are there neediness issues that need to be addressed? Are they codependent? Do they try to "merge" with their spouse rather than remaining independent in the relationship?

The "distant" spouse usually has intimacy issues and fears letting people too close. They need to dig into why that is, and do the work necessary to open up and let people in.

Depending on how big your gap is, you MAY be able to get to a better overlap if just one person does the work, but it's a lot harder.

In some cases, you just can't achieve overlap where you are *right now* in your relationship. In that scenario, you've got three choices: (1) leave and try to find someone else more emotionally aligned, (2) stay and try to get your intimacy needs partially met elsewhere, through GAL, family, friends, etc. and do the work to determine if you are needing too much, or (3) stay and hope that your current division is temporary and with time you will naturally come back together.

Most "experts" don't recommend #3, because it can take a *long* time to get there, and the period of waiting may be painful enough to sabotage a potential positive outcome.

Not saying I've nailed this or that it applies 100% to your sitch, just some things for you to think about.

Accuray

[AnotherStander]

I'm no vet but I will say that the more major life decisions you can avoid right now the better. Buying a house sounds like a huge amount of pressure at a time when things are very fragile. Once again, I'm no expert but if you can find a place to rent even for 6 mo to a year you will be in a much better place to figure out where you'll live long term without scaring him away right now.

^^^ I completely agree with this.

Also, I find myself counting down the weeks to having this baby and feeling like I just have to have everything figured out before my due date. The truth is this baby won't remember anything about his life until he's 2.5 to 3 years old. That gives you (and me) a solid 3 years to work through our marriage crisis before it will really impact how our kids remember their lives. It takes a lot of pressure off my back knowing that whether H and I work this out or not I can certainly see us being on much better ground in 2 years, either as co parents or husband and wife.

^^^ This is a very wise way to look at things. We often say around here that this is a marathon, not a sprint. People come here looking for quick fixes, but there aren't any. We give our spouses time and space while we work on ourselves. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. But regardless, DB'ing teaches us to be better, stronger, more independent people so we emerge victorious no matter what our spouses choose.

[MrBond]

"I'm confused and don't know what to do. He clearly doesn't like me hot so I've tried to cool off my pursuit."

I honestly don't think that he doesn't like you. I think he's afraid of having a child and investing alot of emotion into a child because of you losing one earlier. That's coming out as aggression towards you. He's afraid to get close to you due to the baby. That's just my thought.

[lost_hope]

Hi slowitdown. I am sorry you are in the same situation. When is your baby due? Mine is third week in Aug (trying to be a little vague b/c I don't want to be "outed" online). Are you actually separated and living apart? Or are you together but still apart?

I finally got the ILYBINILWY speech (not those exact words but that's what he meant). He is willing to try to "tolerate" me for his son. Nice, huh? I have never felt so low than I have being treated this way in pregnancy. I mean, there's no regard for my emotional state and how that may affect his son! I am so mad at him for that and I don't know if I can ever forgive him.

Anyway, since doing some more of going dim (can't really go dark) and 180 he comes back to me in little spurts. I do feel like he is genuinely confused, though that doesn't make me feel any better.

Regarding the house, we actually are not going to be able to be in competitive position to buy a house because we need more money for down payment. Urgh. So now we have to move back in with his mother (and that was another source of a whole bunch of other issues before and will be now as well) temporarily. The good thing about that is it delays some of those big decisions you are talking about.

I also agree that we have about 3 years to sort it all out, I just fear that my baby won't have two parents who are present. I am hoping my son will help me GAL ... not an outside life of course, but just to really take my focus off my H.

I do love my son so much and I am so thankful for his existence. I just don't understand how someone can create a life and then five months later want to leave me ... again.

[lost_hope]

Thanks so much, Accuray. I am soooo confused on the whole moderation thing. I really, really really needed help over the weekend and it was so frustrating I actually wrote in asking them not to post my post and to disable my account. Obviously that didn't work.

Anyway, yes I am doing the pursuing/distancing dance. It is exhausting especially while pregnant. Why should a pregnant woman do any pursuing at all? And he does way more distancing than pursuing. Sometimes I feel as though if I GAL 100% without him and I never complain about his distance or show that I'm upset about it, he would a-ok with it. Anyway, I am doing your #2 suggestion. I would never do #1 until I was divorced which I am not ready for right now and #3 will drive me slowly insane. I am already going to insane doing #2 I just hope my son will help me to refocus my priorities.

Isn't there something similar to this like love temperature or something? I have to look into that. Thanks.

[lost_hope]

Thanks Another Stander. I am trying a mix of dim/dark plus as much 180 as I can do while 7 months pregnant.

I agree that it's a marathon, but a part of me is also falling out of love too. How can I stay in love with someone who has so much disregard for me, especially while pregnant? How can I stay in love with someone who picks me apart and is bothered by everything I do and say (his words, not mine).

[lost_hope]

Mr. Bond, I think that's part of it. And I would definitely say he was happy but very reserved in the beginning. Especially when we had a few issues present itself in the pregnancy. But we are 7 months now. The likelihood of anything happening is soooo low. And he was excited and normal for five months then he slowly starting ramping up his pulling away. Ok fine, no sex bc we are being careful bc of some issues I was having. But what about kisses, hugs? Everyone tells me I am the perfect pregnant woman, so beautiful and cute bc I'm all belly, he tells me to put on makeup and never compliments me. He went through this cruel litany of things that he doesn't like about me (too embarrassing to even write here). These were all things that he never complained about before. So he was just sitting there, seething, collecting reasons he doesn't like me anymore??

And remember he's left me before. When I discovered his EA two years ago instead of begging for forgiveness and moving in with me, he stayed away at his mom's (and with her) for another three months. It took me literally moving on (like becoming genuinely happy and not arguing with him) for him to wake up and come back, move in, etc. I am at a loss bc I can't do that this time unless I move out to my own apartment with my son. From what I read on here, it's not necessarily the best thing to kick someone out or move out as they're supposed to be witness to all your wonderful 180 changes, right?

He has moved back in to the condo (we only have two months left to vacate) but he says he is "tolerating" me for his son. At the same has softened "a bit": he kisses me closed mouth quickly on the lips and calls me all the time (I refuse to call him now unless it's for "business" reasons). He calls me honey again, he has started to snuggle a little bit in bed and he has started to talk to me again. But I know from this site not to get too excited. I just really feel lost. I feel like he has created so much damage I might very well turn into a WAW in a few years! I would never have a PA but I feel like if I was ever given an opportunity it would be very, very, very hard not to have an EA (thank goodness I work will old people).

[lost_hope]

I know this a marathon and not a sprint but when does DB become a pride and self esteem issue? I get wanting to save your marriage. But After a certain while isn't it more like "s/he's just not that into you". I am starting to fear a super long process. I will do it now bc be seems a bit receptive and I am having a baby. But after awhile I believe my self esteem is going to kick in. That's why I think I'll be n eventual waw. This feels like utter crap. And so much thinking.

My dim/180 techniques are working a bit. I don't call him anymore unless its about business stuff now he is calling me around the clock. I haven't quite mastered the art of not picking up all calls. I'm going to try when I'm our doing other things. GAL activities. Tonight going to festival with his aunts and cousins (they don't know anything). Tomorrow will see a friend who has been in "new gf heaven" for months and is ready to come up for air. Sunday and Monday (holiday in canada) i'll clean and pack this place -- has to be done and being pregnant puts a diff spin on GAL activity. He's busy all weekend with work so Really wont get a Chance to interact with him Until monday. Wish me luck people.