7 months pregnant ... Facing separation

[lost_hope]

We got into a minor tiff today. I did respond initially (still need to work on that) but thankfully it was on his way out to work. Instead of getting extra-upset and sending him a barrage of texts about how stupid and impatient he is like I usually do, I just haven't done anything. I am doing this particular 180 just to change my behaviour in general b/c I guess no matter what no one would like to receive a barrage of angry texts. I also will not call him about it, which is easier since I have generally stopped all non-business calls. This DB is wearing on my nerves but I guess teaching me other things. One of his chief complaints is that I react too quickly and that once I get upset I don't have an "off" button.

[lost_hope]

DB is hard and takes so much mental energy. Is forwarding him a very nice picture of us from our baby shower that I just received from a friend pursuit? I will be crushed if I send it and he doesn't comment on it, and he is the type not to comment on things like that. He doesn't even like taking pictures.

[lost_hope]

Planned GAL activities failed the festival was washed out on Friday And my friend cancelled today. Living in a foreign country and having a very limited circle really [censored]. I did alternate activities but they were not nearly as satisfying. Plus today he is at work and I knew he would be out late some nights but I called him twice after what I deemed was super late for him to be out without telling me and he is not picking up. So much for detaching. How do you not care about a person you love? I know he's probably ok and just having too much "fun" while working. (His corporation sponsors a weekend long festival and he and his colleagues are made to go to represent. So yes it's work but it's also fun times too.). But he was supposed to be home already. I guess if something happened to him the police will call me eventually . Honestly DB [censored] and I really feel inauthentic as a person to force myself to do these things. Why do I have to change who I am to make someone who has the gall to say INILWY to me while pregnant and who has left before possibly see the light. ( I do realize the main goal of DB is to help me but let's be honest here --- I would love it if my husband saw the light and came back to me fully). I'm honestly so unhappy right now. He has totally ruined this pregnancy.

[lost_hope]

I can't really get help here bc of moderation. I don't know if I'll continue posting my story. Maybe I'll just read everyone else's. of course I "blew it" because I called him twice and then I followed up with a few not so nice text messages. He just sauntered in and told me point blank he didn't even read my messages to avoid. Condlict. He didnt answer why he didnt pick up my calls. I am soooo tired. My tactic tomorrow is going to be I'm not picking up when he calls. Every day he doesn't come back to normal pushes me further away. One day I won't care about him. And then maybe ill have the strength to take my son and walk away. I hate feeling so insecure in my marriage and like I have to scheme to get him back. DB is ultimately about saving a marriage, no? Otherwise it would be primarily called GAL. Well I've been bending myself into making this marriage work for years. Perhaps the wrong way but I know I can't sustain DB long term I just can't something about it makes me feel bad. anyway this may be my last post bc I can't operate around all this delays and moderation.

[slow_it_down]

What if you set yourself a check point in the future rather than trying to decide if he's even worth standing for right now? It sounds like you are on the fence and unsure about whether or not you want to work things out. What if instead you focused on you and waited to see how he's behaving in a few months?

One of my regrets was rushing things when I still saw hope from my H. He was coming around but when he went cold I overreacted and made things much worse. I wish now I had let him come back to me at his own pace. One night he'd be happy and cuddling the next he'd sleep in the couch. It was confusing but having him move out because I wanted things resolved quickly wasn't exactly a step in the right direction. So try to take a deep breath and build up your self esteem by GAL if your relationship is weighing you down.

Are you walking much? Walking and staying active has really helped my PMA. Also starting to do things for myself has been a great confidence booster that I can take care of me and this baby on my own if I have to. I've been fixing things around the house, mowing (maybe not the best idea at 32 weeks) etc. I've also lined up help so that I can have 0 expectations about how much help ill get from H when the time comes.

Focus on taking care of you, give your H lots of space, and enjoy these last few weeks of getting kicked in the ribs by adorable baby feet

[lost_hope]

I try slowitdown. But I can't help feeling like crap in this state. I also think I need to leave in order to truly GAL bc like you said I see glimmers of hope from him and then when he pulls back react in anger. I also have zero expectations though I know he'll be physically present I don't trust him with my emotional state. I don't trust him to help me push this kid out. I don't trust that he'll attach to us after. Do you know how sad I am? I scheduled a c section (that he doesn't seem to care about) mostly due to my belief that he won't be there for me emotionally. I'm only on the fence bc I love him still. I wish I could hate him and walk away. But I don't. But you know it's soul crushing to love someone who doesn't even want to be around you. I'm trying to do this for my son but it's getting more and more difficult. And my resentment is growing stronger each day.

I read your story. How are you doing? Do you have family and friends around you. You seem like a very strong person.

[lost_hope]

I can't do it anymore. No more DBing while pregnant. It's demoralizing for anyone for reeks of a particular type of pathetic when you're 7 months pregnant and you have to pretend it doesn't bother you that your husband spends every waking moment away from you we you are carrying his first born. No pregnant woman should have to go through this. So I'm giving up on DB with the exception of some of the things I need to do to preserve my sanity and prevent arguments bc my son deserves a sane mother and does not need to hear a second more of his parents dumb arguments. I'm stuck bc I'm in a foreign country and my only alternative to leave him would be financially burdensome to us both and that ultimately takes away money from my child. So I'll stick around in this loveless, sexless, joyless marriage for a few Years until I get more used to being a mother and hopefully our financial situation improves. Maybe I will move into a house now so that I could divorce him later and make him leave and still pay half. I'm done loving someone who can't love me 7 months pregnant with his child. It's absolutely f-ing ridiculous. So that's all folks! my self esteem kicking in and reminding me that I don't need to chase a man, or trick a man into loving me by pretending I don't care. I do care. I didn't get married and pregnant to go slink off my myself and GAL. I live in a foreign country And moved here in my late 20s. Of course I depend on my husband to be my friend and support. I didn't get married to not at ILY or not ask about his whereabouts. It's totally disrespectful for a spouse to think he has free reign and can do whatever they want and not be asked about it. What if I go into early labour? I have no idea where he is most nights and according to 180 I shouldn't ask??? I'm done. In not in love with him anymore. It's just a combo of sick co- dependency, being in foreign country and real fear of single motherhood that is keeping me anchored. I wish with my heart that I meet an unmarried man to have an EA with. I don't even care anymore. I need a friend in he form of the opposite sex. Bc right now I feel like absolute garbage and the bottom of a shoe. Sad thing is I am pregnant can't GAL
Where I'd even have the chance of meeting someone now or in the near future and even when I get back to work I work in a small office with men old enough to be my father and then some. I am under no delusion that things are going to get better when this baby is born. He feels trapped now. How is he going to feel when baby is waking us us every two hours. Well all I can say Is the only thing I got out of this pathetic excuse for a marriage is my son and despite all the turmoil I will be eternally grateful.

Since it will be two days before this comes up and another two before anyone responds due to moderation I can't participate on here. I'm
Hurting and need support from this community. Moderation is not necessary and honestly my life is. A whirlwind right now. I can't keep up with this slow pace. So signing off folks. Good luck to you all!

[MrBond]

Right now your priority lies with your child. Forget about your H for a change and give your attention to the baby.

[slow_it_down]

Lost_Hope,
When I was pregnant the first time around my son's father was deployed overseas in the military for most of my pregnancy. He was still deployed when our son was born and I was on my own for the first 3 months. I didn't have a husband running to the store to buy me ice cream when I had cravings or holding my hand at delivery... and I couldn't even worry if his dad would bond with him after birth because he was a million miles away. Life's difficult circumstances at that time didn't 'ruin' anything - they just changed the scenery a bit

So let me be the first to tell you that whether or not you figure things out with your H there is no reason you can't make the rest of your pregnancy and your delivery day wonderful. Sure it would be nice to have him there and super supportive the day of of the delivery, but honestly you're stronger than you think and you will be fine. I'm not saying you should leave him, but you don't 'need' him to make it a wonderful experience for you. How the rest of your pregnancy and your delivery goes is up to you really. You get to choose your own attitude and outlook on life every day when you get up.

Also, it seems like you are looking everywhere but inside for happiness right now. You want your H to make you happy. You want an EA to fill you up when you are feeling empty. You want this board to respond faster to make things better in your M faster. This might be tough to hear - but what are you doing to work on yourself? If you continue relying 100% on your H to make you happy he is going to fall short every time.

So, what can you do?

Being pregnant as well I find it helps to focus on things that need to be taken care of rather than just letting that general sense of powerlessness creep in.

Do you need a ride to the hospital for your C Section? Schedule a car service or start chatting up your neighbors so you have a few numbers to call if your H isn't around.

Do you want someone to listen to you talk about your latest annoying pregnancy symptoms (heartburn and leg cramps anyone??). Start chatting up the other couples in your birthing classes. Or join a moms meetup group to start getting out.

Do you want someone to hold your hand in the delivery room? Ask a friend. If you don't have any local friends its time to start reaching out to people around you (like neighbors, co workers or people you run into around town) to start building up your own support network. You can blame H till the cows come home for moving you to a foreign country, but until you start doing something to build your own network of friends for yourself you will continue to feel like a victim of your situation rather than the one calling the shots in your own life.

Once you've gone down the list of things you need (a ride, support, etc) suddenly you realize that you may be pregnant and 'want' him to do things but you don't 'need' him to do anything. This frees you up to focus on you and to give him space to meet you where he's able to in the future rather than running him off now when he just can't give you what you want.

Lastly, in your most recent post you recount how every technique in DB doesn't make sense, takes too much work and takes too long. If it were easy or intuitive this board wouldn't be full of people hurting, hoping and working hard to be in a better place in their relationship.

As hard as it is to see right now your H is hurting too. I can't say whether or not you should stand for him and for how long and in what circumstances. That is completely for you to decide. All I'm saying is that your focus has been on all the things you can't control and not on the things you can.

[lost_hope]

Thanks Mr. Bond and slow_it_down, I am just responding b/c I don't want you to think I am ignoring your posts.

Mr. Bond, you are correct, and that's what I am going to do from now on. I have no choice in the matter and my son is the priority over everyone but especially my H.

Slow_it_down, apolgies if this comes off defensive (that is not my intent at all) but what I did in my last few posts was vent. I really don't have many people to talk to about this. I do need to reach inside myself for happiness, true. But I don't think many married women find themseleves in a situation where their husband abandons them emotionally mid-way through with no provocation (no argument or anytihng preceded his pulling away). Also, I did not set out to be a single mom and yes, that depresses me. Finally I am dealing with my own "you should have known better" since he abandonded me in favour of an EA affair less than two years ago with his ex from high school that we always had issues about (as in I didn't like thier friendship and low and below, I was absolutely right not to like it).

I didn't mean DB is not a great and wonderful thing; it's just not for me right now in my third trimester of pregnancy. It obviously works for many and I wish it could work for me. But let's face facts. When a man can be indifferent/uncaring to his wife who is carrying everyone's first (child and granschild all around) then I am not so sure that that is a man worth fighting for. That's all my frustration around DB was meant to convey. It's a personal feeling about DB right now, not DB in general or DB while not pregnant.

True indeed I cannot blame my H for my being in a foreign country, but if you have not left a country in your late 20s you have no idea how it feels. It is damn near impossible to make friends at this age ... I am now in my mid 30s. I do have some friends, they were all at my baby shower two weeks ago. But there's a difference between crying to your best friend that you grew up with or went to university with rather than somoene you met at one of yout last jobs (which is how I've met all my Canadian friends). I didn't mean to come off as friendless and totally alone, but I also cannot disclose a lot of what I'm going through to any of them.

Finally, no, I am not a fan of severe moderation on DB. I have never joined a site where it takes four days to get feedback from people. I am in lots and lots of pain and obviously desperate ... otherwise I wouldn't be putting my pathetic business out on Front St. (albeit anonymously). Most people who are sad enough to post their personal stories online probably "need" the support, even if it's just someone saying they understand or are going throguh the same thing or telling you to GAL or get over yourself.

With respect to what you said for pregnancy. Yes, I need to rely on myself for happiness. No one else can do that for me. But as Mr. Bond suggested I am just going to focus on my son.

We did decide to buy a house ... and we also decided to separate and divorce. He will live with me part-time (separate rooms) on his days with my son. It is the best financial arrangement for the both of us and also allows him easy access to his son. That's my life.

I have six weeks until my c-section. And despite everything I am actually happy in that area. My co-worker remarked that he has never seen anyone so happy to be pregnant. My mom is coming to hold my hand in the OR because I cannot trust him to be there emotionally (he will always 'show up' but I am actually not even so sure I want him in there in light of his emotional abandonment). Anyway, this is a long post. I obviously have a lot of issues.

Good luck in your pregnancy and thanks again for all your wonderful, thoughtful suggestions about moving forward in the pregnancy.