Dont know what to do...

[Verum]

A quick read of your interaction with your H tells me that you're not really following the advice of DB. You should avoid the fights and not respond to his instigations, or respond in an uncharacteristic way, act "as-if" in the book she explains this well.

Also, remember you do not need to respond to text messages or return phone calls. When interacting with H, speak in a level tone and walk away if it gets hostile.

You need to slow down and think through what you want.

[Cianna]

SA - I whole heartedly agree that I reacted to him still. Thankfully, since Sunday we have had no contact. I think thats for the best. I didnt return his call from last night, and havent contacted him since. Its the one part of this whole process that I have had the hardest time getting a hold of. Its been 4.5 weeks since our separation, and now we both have attorneys, and I have filed for a legal sep. Whether or not I had to, to stop him from selling our assets, I got one, filed, he got one... and is drafting his response.

I fully realize that the biggest mistake was not acting "as-if" enough. I would do well for a couple days, and then be required to talk to him about the bank account, or my whereabouts... which he always used as an opportunity to engage, and I always did. Likely, it will be the very thing that puts the final nail in our M. I have to accept responsibility for it.

As for what I want... I want to be healthy, I want to learn from this and understand that its best to simply keep calm and shut up. I want to be independent, and accomplish something with my life. Yes, I want my M. I want my H. But, I want it restructured, healthy. Ive also realized that I have done a lot of damage to our M, and that the odds are certainly not in our favor.

Kaffe; yes, I think LRT is my only option. While he "technically" still lives here, he hasnt been in the home for over a week, outside of picking up odds and ends. He has retained an attorney, who has already contacted mine. I can see my mistakes clear as day, starting from the day he demanded the divorce. The whole reason he got to that point was because I reacted to him. Ive been able to fix that issues with most others around me, except him. Im hoping I finally have a handle on how to deal with it, but, Im sure there will be very few opportunities to see if thats true or not.

Only time will tell, and I only have control of my own actions and happiness.

[Cianna]

Just a vent.

I made an accounting mistake on the checking account... It overdrafted our joint account. As I was preparing to go and deposit cash to cover this overage, I get a text from H "Due to your overdraft of the Checking and Savings accounts, I have been forced to close them. Please do not attempt to access any of my personal accounts, email accounts or work. Thank you. Have a grey day." Im sure that was supposed to say "have a great day" or maybe not I dont know.

Last week he texted saying that he had opened his own accounts, I was free to spend what I wished of the joint account, (he left $200 in it) and he would replenish it when it got to zero.

Small victory: I didnt respond. LOL I didnt call. I didnt go into the account settings and change it all so he cant access it. I emailed my attorney, and left it at that. Radio silence. Go not just dark, but pitch black.

Side note: I hit up the nosey roomie to ask to help with finding a job. Hopefully, I will be posting soon that I am gainfully employed, and you all wont have to hear about my H and I's money any more!

[~ kd ~]

I do feel LRT is right for you. Your H appears to be completely unruly right now.

Of course we know what LRT is through the book. How do you plan on handling LRT for yourself and your sitch? Aside from the pitch black and looking for work, how else do you see LRT, for you?

[Verum]

about the money, I don't know your situation, but you H has an obligation to maintain you financially. If you can survive for now, then don't complain to him -- this is a 180 since he would expect complaints, etc.

If you cannot survive for the time-being, then maybe go through the attorney? I'm really not sure the best approach. To beg, plead with him etc. is a bad idea. So seek out alternatives first.

[Cianna]

Kaffe - LRT for me looks like this:

180s
Watching the way I interact with people. I actually started this just before the death of a dear friend, firmly committed to it the day of her services, and have been very successful... with everyone but H.

Taking care of all household duties (Have not stopped in 4 weeks, and wont.)

Taking care of the animals. Also one that Ive stuck with. Ive got several physical limitations that normally would have stopped this after a couple weeks, I found a way to combat that. Had to tweak it a bit, turns out my joking about my RXs came across as complaining to H. Full stop to that!

My FB persona. Lots of people would tell me that I was very negative. I saw myself as assertive and strong. Fixed that.

Being reactionary with H. This has been the absolute most difficult. H and I have always been extremely intense, passionate people. I had become accustomed to it. This is one of the key 180s I REALLY need to get a grip on..

Do activities without him.

Get back to working on my company, and actually COMPLETE a task inregards to it.

GAL
Get a job. Its going to make my attorney cranky, as it makes his job much more difficult, but.. I really dont care. Its more imprtant that I do this for me, and my M.

Ive also started looking for riding (horses) groups, and I really want to try to get back in with the Harley group thats local to us. I dont ride, I spent my childhood on the back of my grandfathers Harley.

Depending on my new jobs hours, I also want to get back out to the river, and start doing the things I used to do with H, just on my own. Im mulling it over on how to do it so it doesnt appear that Im doing anything to make him jealous.

SA - I can CURRENTLY survive, however him closing our joint account and as advesarial as he has been in regards to the finances, (Including hiding assets etc) I chose to just notify my attorney of the situation. My first instinct was to change all the info so he couldnt get to his new accounts, and pull the $150 he put in. Then I thought of responding to his text explaining my error and how I had planned on fixing it.. Or calling him to tell him that he cant close OUR account on a whim, and I am not a child to be punished... But, all of that is "More of the same" behavior. So, I did none.. left it to my attorney, and wont mention it to H.

Im also going dark until at least we get an agreement on the Temp Order of Support, and the only interaction I want after that for a bit is general chit chat, no R talk, no D talk. Keep doing 180s, and GALing..

Its my understanding that if the 180s are positive, then even if they arent seeming it make a difference, keep going with them.. right? I know my H would defintely see it as it was just a ploy if I stop any of the ones I have stuck with.

[~ kd ~]

Sounds good with your plans, Cianna.

Your GAL and 180s sounds great. Also, this is certainly a time to read and follow Sandi2's list of "rules".

While you are best to remain pleasant as possible with any interaction with your H and do your best to keep the road home "paved and smooth", this now becomes a time when you completely focus on yourself, your growth and your future. So yes, even if a 180 has no apparent affect, if it working for you, keep doing it. Also, even if a 180 you are doing for you seems to have some negative consequences, keep doing it. Again, this is about YOUR growth.

Just be sure that what you DO is not done intentionally to upset your H.

[Cianna]

Another change Im making... not telling anyone cept my attorney and the lucky members of this forum what H's daily antics are...

This evening he decided to come home.... rummage through the kitchen, (I call it the GF shopping) taking whatever he chooses. My attorney still hasnt gotten back to me in regards to the checking account, and now hes just taking whatever he wants out of the house. He came to my room, KNOCKED and actually waited for me to answer the door. I was pleasant but short. He was looking for his GFs stuff.

I didnt follow him out... waited til I thought he was gone and went downstairs. He came back in the house, and asked about his mail. I told him I put it in his room, then he accused me of taking some of it. I just said, "ok." As he walked away he stated, "Im NOT moving out, just so you know." I said, "ok." pleasantly. I got a cup of ice, and he went into the living room to look for more things to take. As I went upstairs, he was in his room taking socks and underware. I went upstairs without a word.

I was shaking when I got upstairs... the GF apparently had a list of things she wanted, but he didnt take any of the stuff that is actually hers with him. Infuriating!! I had to really exert some control to not say, "Thats not GFs!" But, I did it.

[Cianna]

Oh.. and Im going out tonight for a friends BDay, and had my hair done.. Looking all done up when he saw me.

[Cianna]

Then I find our engagement picture in the trash, on top so Id see it. Isn't that sweet??