So think about this. When you initially started DBing, did you have no expectations? Were you doing the work because you knew it was important for you, regardless of whether your M would be saved? Or, were you doing the work in order to save the M?
IOW, if you don't think you would have done any of the DB work had you known that it wouldn't save the M, would you have done it?
I don't want you to answer "yes" to that question. I don't want you to say that you would have done this work, regardless.
Because the harsh truth is, most LBS probably would not have done any work on themselves...
except... that they found themselves in this position and became desperate to save their M. And, so did the DBing only to save their M.
Are you prepared to start from square one? Now without expectations of saving your M or trying to control the outcome?
KD yes of course it was in desperation to save marriage. I am not disappointed that this happened . It made me look at myself inward. I've discovered I'm ACOA and codependent throughout this process. I just don't think I can continued doing ALL the work.
I am in counseling , have EE support system , have ACOA sponsor and certainly GAL and do not react fully how I use to . I have moments I won't lie.
Yes I understand that KD. Actually planning on going to Alanon Thursday at my local church and open mic after that. I'm going to try to GAL tonight because I had such a bad detached day
My anxiety is through the darn roof today guys. I've tried meditating and the gym with no avail. Thx for support. I am going to continue to try to do my work. I am going to GAL tonight and definitely do Alanon Thursday. I am going to let my W know that I will be attending Thursday meetings every Thursday so no surprises.
What I really start to notice after getting the 2nd or 3rd BD is that I start to feel she thinks she has no blame in this. It really F's with your self esteem and you start to think you truly are the one with the issues. I've been working my issues for sometime. ugh.
I start to feel she thinks she has no blame in this. It really F's with your self esteem and you start to think you truly are the one with the issues. I've been working my issues for sometime. ugh.
I think many of us deal with that.
Not least of which because, in her mind, right now she's possibly thinking that she has no blame in this. Or at the very least, she'd admit she contributed, only because it's the "right" thing to say and think... like many LBS think at the early stages. "Yeah, sure I have some things I did wrong, everyone does... but s/he...".
There's always a possibility the WAS/MLCer will want to work on the M without having dealt with any of their issues. Until then, they don't really have anything to work on. At least not as far as an LBS needs to consider.
ie. If you WANT to make a dirt list of her issues, feel free. Then... put it in a box in the wet basement and you can always bring it up with her if she decides she wants to work on the M.
Not meaning to come across harsh, just pointing out how really important it remains for you t stay focused ONLY on yourself and your kids. Your W is not part of your growth equation, at this time.
I have to tell my wife because she needs to watch the kids. My anxiety stems from her hiding her phone and receiving txt again from men yet again (non detached I know)
I have a pretty hard time detaching from OM txting my wife
