best books for midlife crisis in WAS?

[labug]

Sorry you're here but it's one of the best places to be at this time in your life.

I know you must be hurting. It will get better.

Were you as a family planning to continue to live on the rez until you retire? If the 26 year old was a student, it seems you've been there for awhile. Yes?

The cold hard facts are, he's going to do what he's going to do. You only have control of you.

His stomach problems are his problems but I would wait a while before you decide what you want to do in terms of living situation. As long as you and D have a place to live, you're fine.

Shout out from So AZ! Hope you're summering somewhere cooler.

[AnotherStander]

If I am detached, that will just reinforce his belief that I am cold, we can't connect, and I can't fill his needs.

Detaching has got to be the most misunderstood concept in DB'ing. It is NOT about being cold and indifferent. It simply means that you are responsible for your own feelings and emotions. Detaching means you choose to no longer go on the roller coaster ride your S is trying to take you on. Sometimes we relate it to being a lighthouse, you are the lighthouse on the stone rampart while your WAS is the crazy tempest trying to throw waves, wind and sand against you. No matter how violent his storm is, you remain solid and immovable, a beacon of hope to others.

I know he is still talking to the OW and in his mind I can't compare because he is opening up to her in ways he stopped with me.

This is typical. The WAS is always infatuated with their new OP and the OP can do no wrong in their eyes. That will change with time. You need to work on being the spouse only a fool would leave in the meantime.

I am getting earfuls from the folks back home who see her car at my house 24/7, that she is bragging to other women about how long it will take for her to move in, how he walks her through the neighborhood in front of students and former students.

Change the subject, tell them you want to talk about something else. Show no interest in your H, it will just fuel his distaste for your M. DO NOT talk to others about what a jerk your H is. DO NOT ever say anything bad about him. It will ALL get back to him. Since it all gets back to him, what you DO want to talk about is your great life and how much fun you're having. Tell them about all the things you're doing and how happy they make you. THAT will get back to him, and that will make him wonder what you're up to.

but what can my daughter take without it messing her up for life while she is developmentally at the stage where she is creating her view on marriage and love.

It affects the kids, no question of it. Keep an eye on her for behavior issues. Talk to the other teachers and ask them to tell you if she starts acting up or acting depressed. Have the school counselor talk to her. Consider sending her to IC.

chances of DBing success if I leave the town (move 5 hours away).

There was a thread here a few months back about a couple that reconciled even though they were living in different countries and the woman attributed it to her DB'ing techniques.

I just don't feel I can wait the 2-3 years many of you have.

DB'ing is NOT about waiting. It's about getting out, getting a life, leaving your spouse to sort his mess out BY HIMSELF. I never would have thought I could stand a year for my M, but here I am. And it's not because I've been waiting, it's because I didn't wait, I chose to live life without W. THAT in turn gave me the peace of mind to stand.

I am happy to do DBing steps for myself and my growth and IF something good should come out of it with him, great. But I don't want that to be my motive. I don't want to feel like I am waiting for him to see the light.

Good, you've got the idea!

Are there any turnarounds within a year out there?

It's extremely rare.

[beaumont babe]

OK thanks CADET for getting my posts all on the same place. I realized after the fact but wasn't sure how.

[beaumont babe]

Thank you labug and another stander for the advice. I admit I am new to this forum thing and was posting in panic states without giving enough info. I think I CAN and DO want to go home. I know from reading about others here that I do have the strength and the patience. I will address my daughters needs re: knowledge of OW when the time comes. I will not listen to ANY more reports of H & OW from back home. My focus has to be on me and I need to leave my mind open for some of the small successes I am seeing with H.
Since I posted these, my coach did clarify DETACH and I feel I understand it better. H was here for a visit and we've had some good talks on the phone.
It feels like SO much is happening lately...maybe I didn't get all the way off the roller coaster. H wants to come visit again, is calling, emailing, etc.
I need to write a description of current sit and post that ASAP. I also need to speak with my coach before H arrives. I am going to write up a summary and also my 180 goals for input.

[labug]

And just so you know, I'm not waiting for anything. I'm living my life, and it's a good life.

[beaumont babe]

If patience is the mantra and time is a gift aren't we all waiting to some degree. We are just trying to wait in a healthy productive way? Otherwise, we let the marriage go.

[Cadet]

If patience is the mantra and time is a gift aren't we all waiting to some degree. We are just trying to wait in a healthy productive way? Otherwise, we let the marriage go.

Yes this is somewhat true, however I think for almost everyone posting on DB, their marriages are over when they get the bomb drop.

The only real question is how and in what way it is going to be rebuilt.

So we get ourselves to a healthy stage, so we can decide what that means.

[labug]

If patience is the mantra and time is a gift aren't we all waiting to some degree. We are just trying to wait in a healthy productive way? Otherwise, we let the marriage go.

Patience is important no matter where we are in life and time is always a gift. But I think I understand your question and my only answer is that a life spent waiting on something that may or may not happen, no matter what that is, lose 50#, win the lottery, find a partner, is not a life well-lived.

Yes, be healthy and productive but don't be waiting on him to change his mind. Build the best life you can and let the marriage go, as Cadet says, it's already gone.

That doesn't mean you run out and file for D unless you're truly ready. Just take some time to figure you out, come to terms with what has happened. Work on you.

This is very counter-intuitive at first. Keep reading.