Insights from WAS vs. MLC

[Live4myDay]

I started this post in MLC but I feel after reading so much on here that it actually is WAS. He never waffered between the OW/his new life and us/Family. He was definate. That was his final answer and he moved on and didn't care or realize who he hurt.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2343999&page=1

Can anyone here give me some insight, thoughts, prayers, whatever it takes. Moving on GAL, PMA, etc. but still in love with him after all this time has passed.

[Live4myDay]

Ok since I didn't get a response I thought I'd make it easy for everyone. It's been a little over 2 years and I still love him.

True love marriage we eloped secretly married in small church and went camping for honeymoon. Struggled with his business left my secure job to raise kids 11 months apart. Eventually worked for his business for 8 years. Struggled with economy and he decided to hire his sister in my place. I took it very hard. I eventually found part time work. Meanwhile he has PA with my best friend. I forgive, tell no one. I'm thinking things are ok. I'm not feeling very secure with my life. Decide to make my own changes within myself and be my own source of happiness with or without him. I feel he is very stressed out all time from business and money. Don't spend a lot of alone time. Daughter plays softball year round and he helps her practice. We are always gone on weekends with travel ball. During my daughter's senior year in school my XH gets crazy great corporate job offer, except in another city 1-1/2 hours away. He takes it and commutes. Home on weekends then stays at my sisters house and goes back forth. Tries to get me to come up, but I'm focused on my little bit of freedom now. I have EA since I've gotten very little attention from XH. (Not an excuse) XH mother dies from Alzheimer's we bury her on Saturday then on Monday my daughter is in horrific car accident. Life or death scenario but eventually is left paralyzed from chest down. During her rehab 6 months in hospital we have a marriage melt down. Makes adjustments to a house he rents for daughter and us to move to. I tell him we need to wait to make final move until son graduates in 4 months and allow daughter time to adjust. He wants out to start new life. Loose the house we built and car. Everything in storage and my kids and I move in with my parents. He picks daughter up in weekends. Doesn't talk to me is very mean and abrupt. Totally detaches. He wants nothing to do with me. I do all the wrong things. Beg, plead say nasty things to each other, it was hell. He files divorce and I suspect someone else. Lawyer claims there is. I'm horrified. He told me he just can't take living with me anymore. Get the I don't love you bomb dropped after daughter comes home from hospital. Upon moving stuff out of house I find inappropriate card hidden in his sock drawer from woman he works with at new job. Turns my world upside down. He denies. Finally 3 months after divorce is final, he exposes he has a girlfriend. I accuse and blame and fall victim. He acts so mature and full of himself saying how immature I am and this is why he left. Argh! I tell him midlife crisis. He says I'm crazy and defends himself rewriting history of how awful our marriage really was. I can not convince him otherwise. 3 days after divorce I take our then 19 year old daughter on trip to Florida to spinal cord recovery center that he doesn't agree with. We go 2 weeks and return to stay at parents. This goes on for 4 months and we eventually move to Florida. I have an amazing life here now. Except - I'm still in love with him. I realize it is MLC. He's been with OW since filing for divorce. She lives in Minnesota and they see each other long distance relationship. Very convenient. He travels back n forth there for work and stays with her. He's destroyed our families. He has only seen daughter twice a year. They talk and more than likely text. Son in college in same city as XH, but doesn't see much because XH travels a lot for work. Kids were very bothered at first, but now they tolerate. They were going through their own issues at the time. They want nothing to do with OW and don't ask and he doesn't tell. I've done everything wrong as far as DB/DR. We rarely communicate and when we have I've blamed and been victim. I tell him I love and care for him etc. I'm proud of his career. He makes 6 figure income now and enjoys the success with OW. So unfair. We struggled for so long and now he's rewarded with OW. She is only 3 years younger. Don't know much about her except that she has no kids. Freedom! I remain caretaker of daughter 24/7. I'm doing great with her! Wouldn't be anywhere else. Recently had to endure 4 days in Santa Domingo for daughters stem cell treatment with XH and FIL. He knows how I feel about what and how he ended things and how devestated I was through all this. I played off as wonderful XW while there! Academy award for me! He returns home and tells everyone how our relationship has healed. Yeah right! We had no conversation between us. I'm still very bitter and hurt. Read book realize changes I have to make. Doing 180 and setting goals. I don't know if he'll ever come around. He says marriage has been over and It's been two years I need to move on. Thinks I'm being pathetic. Never talks about or asks about me to our children. Told me I should date. I told him "I do" that's it. He said good. He's happy for me. I think his knowing this makes what he did ok or relieves him of some guilt.

Dilemma:
XH is planning a weekend visit to see daughter and bring our son too! Yeah I'm so looking forward. But how do I handle this. Last time he visited I refused to see him or allow him into my home. I would love nothing more than the 4 of us to be together as a family again. I want him to miss that! Yet part of me says to refuse his friendship after all he's with OW and wants nothing to do with me and our relationship. Doesn't want to lead me on. I've tried dating a few guys and I'm just not ready. Seen therapist and on anti-depressants. Kids just want me to move on and be happy again. They see my hurt and pain. I'm so much better now with new life in Florida, but can't see myself loving anyone else and am still very much attracted to him. Or even that he can love someone else. I really feel that we should be together. My family is very hurt and disappointed in him to decide all this while daughter is recovering from such life changing event. He has not been there for her emotionally and physically for that matter. It takes a lot of work to get her to therapies and recovery. They think I'm crazy that I still have feelings for him. I don't trash talk him but give more understanding towards him.

What do you think? Any thoughts or advise on how to stay in his life so he can notice changes in me? How do I handle this? I used to send him pictures and videos of daughter at recovery efforts but he never acknowledged them so I just quit. His family, dad and 4 sisters, don't communicate with me and cut me off. They just want us to both be "happy" everyone deserves happiness. His dad was married over 50 years. No divorce in my family. His one sister is divorced and her and her XH are now best of friends. I think my XH thinks we should be that way too.

Please help me out here. Is there even a chance? I'm so torn between hope and moving on. I've decided to move forward and live my life. I have a new life in Florida and friends and functions. I've even dated. Not slept with anyone since him. Then a part of my ego says he's been f-ing another woman and spends 9 days of christmas with her when he hasn't even seen his kids. Says he dreads coming to visit in Florida because of me. I don't know what signs I should be looking for. I've 180 my approach and any communications with him. I'm very nice and not expecting anything from him. Just appear informative regarding our daughter. What else does anyone suggest? I do see us together again. This has been so unlike his character. He's been a standup guy; community and church. He's become someone else. Changed his style of clothing and wears cologne. Where did he go? And why does she get to have this new version of him. I know we didn't have things perfect but it was a bomb when he said he didn't love me anymore and hasn't for a long time. That he's been very unhappy. I just always thought it was stress from work. Help!

[Live4myDay]

Well I thought I'd get some input. Is there anything I should be doing different for WAS vs. MLC ? As you read my sitch I was going through some issues myself before my D accident. Most likely my own version of MLC but I never wanted out or left. Then when he "had enough" and after all the events that lead to our D, I realized how important the M was and our family. At that point upon bringing our D home from hospital he must have been seeing OW because at that point there was no turning back. He made his decision and that was that. He is a very black and white kinda guy!

Anyway, anyone have any thoughts or insights? Maybe not same sitch, but a little advise??

[Cadet]

Is there anything I should be doing different for WAS vs. MLC ?

NOPE, you do everything exactly the same.

DETACH, work on self!

[Live4myDay]

Why does he keep telling me he didn't leave for OW? When he's been with the OW after he decided he didn't want to be married. In his eyes we were separated. Didn't introduce her to everyone til 3 months after final divorces although he's been with her as EA since before D accident. I know hes been with her pre divorce. I don't understand. You can leave a marriage cause you aren't happy but your not leaving for OW. In his mind he thinks it was so over a long time ago therefore he didn't actually leave me for her. What? How does that work?

I know it doesn't matter now. But why does he always throw that back at me?

[~ kd ~]

It is possibly a justification, that even though he may have had OW in his sights before BD, no one has any "proof" that they were together or a possible item. He can then let the world know that he did not do anything wrong.

Much of the script is similar and one thing that people key on is "confusion" to label MLC. Don't doubt though, that your H is confused. He probably thinks that he tried to work on the M and that there was nothing good about the M. He probably doesn't think he's having an A, even though the two of you are still M. According to him, the M was over long ago... yet... he failed to send you that memo, long ago...

As far as why he's reminding you over and over that he was planning on leaving because the M was over and this has nothing to do with OW... well, he's probably feeling hurt and vulnerable and so to protect himself, he's lashing out at you. He may not want to hurt you... then again... maybe he does...

What you may find though, is that the work you do on yourself will have more immediate and consistent results than if your H were MLC.

So if you believe your H is WAS, what work are you doing to become an even more awesome woman, that only a fool would leave?

[Live4myDay]

I have been on such a rollercoaster lately. One side (and everyone I know) says "Move on hes a jerk to do what he did to you and your kids!" and then the other side is saying "He doesn't know what he's doing...we truly love each other this is just a phase."

But in reading and reading and reading it has helped me become more focused on what "I" need to do. I focus too much on him and his life and OW. They are off in Europe right now on a 10 day vacation...I know. But he hasn't even seen his daughter all of last year a total of 6 days!! I care for her pretty much 24/7 although she is becoming more independent. (see full story)

I started weight watchers and ultimately want to lose 40 lbs by next year. I started walking with the goal to run the full 2 mile course at the park by my house. And then I want to work on something else more spiritually or more inward. I want to learn Spanish since I now live in Florida and I also thought about going back to college to get my Bachelor's Degree. All of these things are 80's for me.

I was thinking that next year is my 30 year class reunion and I have never gone in the past. I was voted best looking and I never had enough confidence in myself to go back. I had married young had kids and gained weight. At this point I feel I struggled with depression. Anyway, I want to go next year looking and feeling my best ever! That is ALL about ME! Just thinking about it gets me excited and to think I'll be going single!

I've decided to go "Dark". Just disappear from him. When he visits I will not be around and too busy with plans to accommodate him and he will have to care for our D 24/7 while he is here. He can see exactly what I have to go through on a day to day basis. NO MORE CONTACT!! no text no emails... nothing!!

This could be such a long process but I'm not interested in starting another relationship especially with my time dedicated to my D. So, I'm just gonna sit back and watch it all play out...BUT in the mean time I am preparing myself for the day my D walk again and can go for a run with me. (prayers) I also want to be that fabulous again! Like in the movie "Hope Floats...I used to be so audacious!"

I get it...he's with her enjoying his so called new life etc... but I have so much and so much to be grateful for. He will never come back to what was...ever. I have to make my changes to become the best me again. Then "I" can decide who "I" choose to love. If he's still with her...so be it. But if someone does come along when I am to that "audacious" point... I probably won't look back.

It's like I was always looking for justification that he did me wrong. Look how horrible of a man he is. SCREW HIM! I want to now prove that I am stronger and more of a woman than he ever was a man. I have "owned up" and like in the movie the Terminator when Linda Hamilton is in pscho ward she is preparing herself because she knows the day is coming. I'm feeling so confident now.

I just have to carry this through his visit the first weekend in JUne. I know I will not be around...but he will have returned from his European trip with OW full of stories and PICTURES of him with her (unavoidable) to share with my D and S who is coming down for the trip also. It's like a want to know every detail. Please tell me tell me... but I know I have to suck it up and tell the kids "DO NOT TELL ME ANYTHING. I Do NOT want to know about your dad!!!" detachment! ah ha I get it!

But with this trip of his with OW I feel that he will be with her a long time. Hurts. and he may never come back around or think of me again in a good way. He has soooo much pain and justifications against me even to the point of blaming me for our D accident. I don't think he will ever be able to find love for me again. I know it's there...he just pushed it down so far and this OW is such a large bandaide.

She doesn't have kids...therefore he doesn't miss that family closeness he would see if she had kids. Its all so fresh and new. and they live 1000 miles apart. I think she will want to be more and they will marry.

Anyway, quit focusing on HIM. I will be that "audacious" woman again! Than only a fool would leave!!!

[Live4myDay]

Well I put out the offer that I can have dinner ready for them when they come back from the surfing event at the beach. Should be for a long day so instead of coming home to shower get ready to go out to eat, they are welcome to come hang out at my place and of course that I have plans and won't be there.

I also put out that they can use my car since it is more handicap accessible and can handle all the stuff for the beach.

We'll see. No answer yet. I'm going to pack the cooler with some water and fruit. They can stop and get subs on way.

Any other advice?

[subguy]

live4, you might get more traction and people posting on your thread if you start one in newcomers. Keep working on yourself and let the rest happen.

[Live4myDay]

Thanks subguy. Do I repost or re-explain? I don't know how to repost.