Time for another Friday morning novel by Spartan...
Before the tough stuff I figured I'd post some good. GALing this week has been good. My T-ball team had first game and they played great and looked in mid-season form, we got 11 outs compared to other teams zero (don't keep actual score). S5 was given game ball by other coaches, he was so happy and I made sure he knew I was proud of him. I told him while I was happy about how well he played I was most proud of him for his sportsmanship; he told a kid on the other team nice hit once and helped a kid up that fell down next to him. Kids and I had a lot of fun this week outside since weather is finally warming up. I golfed last night in league and had a blast with friends. Tonight kids and I are going roller skating then sitting around first camp fire of the year. Have plans for rest of weekend also so that side of things is looking up. All in all I'm doing really good except for when I'm around W...
And now the tougher stuff... I wasn't going to post this here but figure might as well post my stupid stuff as well, maybe someone will learn from my mistakes. Living in same house is tough and getting to breaking point happens more then I like to admit. Many times I find an outlet for it but sometimes it still comes out.
So dim but polite hasn't been the easiest thing for me for several reasons. I've been doing it but it's been hard on me. I'm not a quiet person so no fun not being the 'real' me. The bigger issue is my W has been really struggling this last week trying to get everything done for this weekends charity event. She looks so stressed and tired and I hate seeing her like that. I think her illness is flaring up also because I've seen pain killers back on the counter. She won't ask me for help which is frustrating the heck out of me because I made it clear a while ago I'd help if she asks.
Last night feeling bad for her I bit the bullet and asked if I could help and she barely responded with a mumbled no so I grabbed the Kindle and started reading. Before bed I said good night with no response. This AM we saw each other before work and she looked at me so I said good morning and no response again. My original plan was to not help as much this week so she'd get a taste of reality, I just didn't realize how hard the reality of watching her implode would be on me so I was trying to be nice. My frustration came out a little this morning...
After the good morning blow off I saw her again downstairs and told her she didn't have to do it all alone and I wanted to help. Told her this should be fun for her, not stressful. She didn't respond. I then said you don't even respond to me and you treat strangers better then this. No response again and she just stared, I finally asked her if she even knows why she hates me so much. She looked down but didn't say anything. I just said it didn't have to be like this and left for work.
I wish I could have kept my mouth shut because that was another interaction that didn't do any good at all. I'm sure it won't change a thing and I likely just tossed some unneeded guilt/ shame at her and while she may have been sad then she will be pissed at me later. My friends have already delivered the 2x4 reminders of this earlier today. I'm just really struggling with watching her go through this process knowing it's only going to get harder for her and there isn't a damn thing I can do.
For whatever reason I have a lot of guilt and anger for not being able to help her. The one thing I can't seem to drop yet is my feeling of husband responsibility to my W to help her when she needs it. Crazy because she can't be more clear that she doesn't want my help. I know it's all on me to let her go and get better to STFU. I was reminded that she chose this path so I HAVE to respect her choices. Still doesn't make it easy.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Spartan I am sorry sorry. My W consistently goes to be without saying goodnight and leaves without saying goodbye. It is tough. I also get the silent treatment (which is a form of control). It is very very hard detaching under same roof. Nearly impossible. I just try to understand it is on them. Swing by my piecing post and see what Bond wrote
I think you might need to re-read the LRT section again. I know you care for her...but respecting her choices and letting her go are part of that. Sounds like you are just getting impatient, and having some trouble detaching.
At different times in my sitch, certain mindsets worked well for me, so maybe consider something like that. Roommates, friends who co-parent, etc. Find something that works for you, something that allows you to be you, without sucking up all the negativity she's spewing.
Grats on the t-ball! I have a 5yo so I understand how impressive that is!
For whatever reason I have a lot of guilt and anger for not being able to help her. The one thing I can't seem to drop yet is my feeling of husband responsibility to my W to help her when she needs it. Crazy because she can't be more clear that she doesn't want my help. I know it's all on me to let her go and get better to STFU. I was reminded that she chose this path so I HAVE to respect her choices. Still doesn't make it easy.
It ISN'T easy, and much more resembles how a parent teaches a child, but that's really the role you are taking here. She has to figure things out for herself, and you can help and guide only in certain ways that she allows. Anything more will be seen as pressuring and pushing her towards more independence (like a teenager). You have to figure out the careful balance of how you can guide without creating any pressure, and most of it is her seeing change in you.
I know you know this, but thought you might like to read the reminder.
Here's an example from me that has happened over the last week or so. We had a big plumbing problem. Concurrently (and unrelated), she and the kids backed up three of the four toilets in the house. (I don't know what the deal with that is, but I'm not going to think about it too much as, for some reason, they clog toilets far too often. I don't know if they're overusing toilet paper or what in the heck is coming out of their bodies, but I've never clogged one once over there.) ANYWAY, the next time I was at the house, I unclogged the two of the three toilets that my daughters use, and left the master bath toilet alone. That's her problem.
Previously, I would have just fixed it because...well, just because. That's what I do to take care of my girls. But if she doesn't want to be one of my girls, then I'm not just going to swoop in and fix things without being asked. It's been a little while and I'm not sure how she put up with it (guessing/hoping it was just #...never mind), but this morning she actually asked, "will you fix my toilet, please?"
This may not seem like a big deal, but for us, who have a 13 year history, I think it kinda is. I'm prone to fix things. You say your back is hurting? You don't have to ask, I'll just rub it. One of the lights is out in the house? Changed out before you even get a chance to mention it. We're out of milk you say? Look again...vuala!
I think she may be getting the message that I'm not going to take care of her like I used to (secretly: how I WANT to). And she may be entirely fine with that, but I think it's something...and that it's a "something" the WAW needs to experience as part of this process.
And if I think that it's something she really "needs," then it makes it easier to do it. But you're spot on: it is very difficult.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
