Adivna - Very good points I need to keep in mind during my path forward too.
PM - So hard to wade through all this stuff. My Mrs. has apologized so many times for not speaking up sooner it's making me want to vomit because I'm like if you're sorry and I'm sorry and you're seeing, noticing and commenting on my changes then let's just slow it down!!!!
She's just got it in her mind that the only solution that is best for her is D. She's just now getting back into the emotional side of the loss of our relationship and is in the same position as your wife in that she's convinced herself it's impossible to ever have the feelings a wife would have for her husband.
I guess I'm just going to have to wade in the fire and bide my time.....
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
-I told her that I did care about her (still didn't tell her I love her) and that I do want her to have happiness. I want her to have peace. I'm NOT going to get in the way of that. I hope she finds those things, but also that she realizes it doesn't come from out there (pointed outside), it comes from in here (pointed at my heart). She asked, "Why are you so nice to me through all of this?"
-She said she had run through the situation in her mind where I move back in and we try to work on the marriage, and that she just isn't okay with how she feels about that. I said I understood that, then added, "if you asked me to move back in, I wouldn't. I don't want to work on the old marriage or the old relationship. I have no interest in that at all. I want something entirely fresh. And it wouldn't be fair to the kids to move back in until we both knew it was the right thing to do."
-She reiterated that this isn't easy for her, and I know it isn't. I don't think she's just itching to cut me loose. What I think she really wants is certainty, one way or the other. Certainty makes decisions easier, and she isn't getting that.
-She also reiterated that she lies awake at night sometimes and just wants to call me and have me come over, but that isn't fair to me and doesn't move her towards her goal of independence. But she still has those feelings and misses me.
The divorce papers went back to her today with my revisions (part of what we discussed last night). So now it's up to her to deliver those to her lawyer. I guess after that we just sign and it goes to a judge. Could be quick.
Divorce or not, I don't think she'll ever be ready to reconcile until she actually experiences real life without me. I'm not saying she's going to come running back, I'm just saying she needs to get her independence and then decide if she WANTS me back...if I'm someone who makes her life better.
As much as I want to reconcile, I won't be waiting around for that.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Adivna - Very good points I need to keep in mind during my path forward too.
PM - So hard to wade through all this stuff. My Mrs. has apologized so many times for not speaking up sooner it's making me want to vomit because I'm like if you're sorry and I'm sorry and you're seeing, noticing and commenting on my changes then let's just slow it down!!!!
She's just got it in her mind that the only solution that is best for her is D. She's just now getting back into the emotional side of the loss of our relationship and is in the same position as your wife in that she's convinced herself it's impossible to ever have the feelings a wife would have for her husband.
I guess I'm just going to have to wade in the fire and bide my time.....
My humble opinion is that if a WAW says they need space and independence, then you do what you have to to give it to them. They've linked their personal unhappiness to you and/or your marriage, and they may or may not find that to be true, but they HAVE TO get the chance to find that out. Fighting that battle is a guaranteed loss for the LBH.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM - Well put on them having to figure it out. It's crazy because I'd swear we're twins right now. Just sent my wife the divorce papers this morning and we had that discussion. Only a matter of weeks before filed. How long before your D would be final? We have a 365 waiting period before finalized so I am hopeful that is a lot more time than most get when trying to let them figure it out.
She's said over and over about how wonderful and supportive I'm being in this divorce and even said she's so luck to be divorcing me (and she pointed out how messed up that sounded). In my simple mind, all these things have been because of what positives we do have in our relationship and they're not one's to be written off so easily. I know it's not easy in her WAW shoes, but that's the simpler solution than risking it all for another shot.
Best of luck.... Trying
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
We have a 60 day waiting period from the date of filing, which was up last month. As soon as we sign and the judge signs (I'm guessing that's the order), then it's final.
Best of luck to you!
I feel a little different today. Better. Maybe I needed her to know I wasn't mad at her because she was divorcing me. That I needed space because she crossed my line, not because I was being angry about the legal proceedings. And now that I know she knows that, I don't feel all that anxious when I think about her.
Anybody want to psychoanalyze me on that one? I guess if I "needed" her to know something, then I'm certainly not past her, but I never claimed to be past her. But now that she knows, it's kinda feels okay to start to move forward now. Hmmm...
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
60 days is a bit quick. I'm glad I get a year, but I might not think the same way in 3, 6 or 12 months. I think I will but I also thought I'd never be in this position!!!
I think you're just processing everything and all new turns might lead to different feelings. Some temporary and some more growth and permanent. I wouldn't think too much into it, but I think it's ok what you expressed. This tells her more that you are not mad at her wanting a divorce meaning you are supporting her happiness and yours as well. All that is positive.
Focus on improving yourself so that when all is said and done D final or R you are the best you can be. The more you improve yourself the more you feel better, stronger, self confident which can only make you more desirable by your wife. If it doesn't, you'd leave the relationship knowing you've done everything you committed to do and you'll be a better you.
Stay strong. Trying
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Brother, you handled that perfectly, job well done! That is textbook DB'ing and validating.
Thank you for the support. I really appreciate it.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
60 days is a bit quick. I'm glad I get a year, but I might not think the same way in 3, 6 or 12 months. I think I will but I also thought I'd never be in this position!!!
I think you're just processing everything and all new turns might lead to different feelings. Some temporary and some more growth and permanent. I wouldn't think too much into it, but I think it's ok what you expressed. This tells her more that you are not mad at her wanting a divorce meaning you are supporting her happiness and yours as well. All that is positive.
Focus on improving yourself so that when all is said and done D final or R you are the best you can be. The more you improve yourself the more you feel better, stronger, self confident which can only make you more desirable by your wife. If it doesn't, you'd leave the relationship knowing you've done everything you committed to do and you'll be a better you.
Stay strong. Trying
Thanks.
My goal now is to create the absolute best life I can with me and my D's. About a month ago I realized that I have to stop waiting around for her so the family can be "okay." I need to lead my family to be okay, and she is welcome to join us if she wants.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
My goal now is to create the absolute best life I can with me and my D's. About a month ago I realized that I have to stop waiting around for her so the family can be "okay." I need to lead my family to be okay, and she is welcome to join us if she wants.
-PM
You are so rockin' it my man!!! Fantastic way of expressing it and one I might add to the arsenal. Have a great weekend.
Trying
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
That is textbook DB'ing and validating.