Not confused...trying to keep hope alive!!!

[AJM]

If he wants to be fully present and know everything than he will have to do the work. It's not up to you to fill him in. Also, the kids can tell him what they want him to know. If it's not good for you to have constant communication then don't.

It's very difficult with kids involved. Having compassion for all people, including your H, doesn't mean that you allow others to mistreat you. It also doesn't mean you have to pick up the slack when your H falls short. B, your kids are watching. How you treat yourself and allow others to treat you will make an impression on them.

If that's not a golden nugget, I don't know what is.

The thing is BRNR, your H's approach is that he's angry at you (and life in general perhaps). Your kids pick up on and want to make sense of it. Children believe their parents will always be there (together) and when that doesn't happen they need a way to deal with it. They look to you and H for guidance just as they always have. They won't fully assimilate the actions until much later in life, but the seeds you plant now are important. How you handle things, how lead by example, and how you help them through their pain will shape their thinking and relationships for many years. Teaching them to learn to set boundaries and how to be graceful under pressure are valuable lessons for us all.

GM is right - if he wants to be part of their lives, he'll have to work at it. If he doesn't, they'll know. You don't have to pick up the slack for him. Just make it possible for him when he does. You have the ability to sway the kids emotions toward their father. Use it wisely.

Happy Mother's day!


AJ

[BRNR]

To all the moms...I hope you had a nice Mother's Day.

Mine started off good and almost ended good. I wish I had read some of these post before I had another heartfelt convo with my boys....

My hope is gone. It has been dying slowly and I have said as much on these threads. H called the boys tonight and upset S9. ...and not only did it really make me drop the rope, but I think I lit the rope on fire...

S9 was upset after he got off the phone and downright angry and mean. I tried to ask what was going on....which led to a family meeting. S9 of course asked H to come home and H said no, that he will never come home. He was crying, and as usually I cried too. s9 said that H keeps saying "me and your mother have problems". I lost it. I finally told the boys that I am tired of H saying this and at the end of the day if we are having problems I don't know what they are and that from my perspective H is the one with problems. I know, shouldn't have done that. There is more. I told them that H has made choices and his choice is not to be here anymore and that even if h wanted to come home I didn't want him to, because husbands don't treat wives the way H has treated me. Because H has been mean and has hurt me very much without apologizing that I would not want him to come home and that me and them (the boys) needed to live our lives to its fullest without H because that is the reality. That we would have a good life no matter what, and that whatever they decided for them (ie where they want to live and with whom) they could, because they were entitled to thier feelings. I also explained to them that H has made choices that affect all of us, but at the end of the day I have been the same mom and that H has changed. I also explained to them that I want them to grow up and have healthy relationships in the future, and not have a relationship that H and I have right now. I also explained to them that H has hurt me very badly as well as them, and for me, I could never get over it.

I feel horrible...I want to fix this with my kids. My s9 was crying more and didn't want to hear anymore. I don't blame him. I wasn't mean towards H, but I know to him I probably sounded a lot like H saying never.

How do I fix this with my kids, how do I fix this. I guess the top exploded off the bottle with me tonight. I am tired of seeing s9 in so much pain, and I really just want the three of us to move on with our lives and be happy.

H cannot make us happy...he is in destructive mode, and things are beyond repair with him and I.

I wish I just kept my mouth shut. I believe I have ruined everything in my children's eyes...but we need closure and H needs to move on and let his family heal and move forward.

I know I said more, but all the same. This is our life, we need to live it. I finally told the kids that I don't want to talk about h anymore and that if one of us needed to we would have to agree on a time to talk as a family.

What do I do...I am feeling like such a pos mom right now....I let my anger get the best of me...and on all days....Mother's Day!

[wishing, hoping]

I think maybe your kids should see a counselor to help them cope. It's helped my S a lot. I am working to get my D to a counselor as well. A counselor can not only help them learn to cope, the counselor can give you solid advice on how to help them. What to say and what not to say.

I understand where you are coming from. Anger and frustration is hard especially when we momma bears see our cubs hurt.

Let me just say that if you decide to file and go for placement/custody you may see a change in him. My H was pretty hands off with the kids until we started fighting for placement then all of a sudden he was Mr. 50/50 making dinners, taking them to practices, concerts, etc. He was trying to set a precedent so he could prove he was fit for placement so he wouldnt have to pay more child support.

I'm sorry your day ended less than stellar. Just pull yourself together as well as you can and move on. Take care of yourself!!

WH

[BRNR]

WH- thank you. I have an appointment set up for a counselor for me and the kids....unfortunately it is weeks away.

I am picking myself up and dusting myself off. I rounded off the night by having some fun with the boys before bed.

H needs to shut his trap...and I think I am going to have to have that discussion with him this week...

Enough is enough.

[wishing, hoping]

And don't forget to document this stuff in case you do decide to file. Keep records. Write down everything!!! You never know when you will need the information.

WH

[golf mom]

B, you are a wonderful mom. You're with your kids and are seeing them through a very difficult time. Don't forget, this is new for you and is extremely difficult. You are learning along the way. You are grieving, B. I encourage you to read about the stages of grief following abandonment. It's very difficult to be the primary parent when you're devastated. There are little ones depending on you to keep it together and the logistics of every day living. Throw in finances and a possible move and it's no wonder you feel the way that you do. You're on overload and there's no end in sight.

This will get better, but it takes a lot of time. Please don't be hard on yourself. It's ok to be honest with your feelings. I believe it would be damaging if you walked around all day with a smile. Your kids trust you because you are honest. They know you understand how they feel. Your H isn't available to them in the same way and that hurts. He is self-medicating and covering up his feelings. He is defensive and full of justification. That is damaging. That's why your son is hurting.

B, try to remember that underneath your anger is pain and fear. Staying connected with the true feelings helps dissipate the anger. When your son is upset try your best to validate. If you slip and show anger, it's ok. You'll try to talk with him differently next time. You aren't going to handle this perfectly. Just keep trying to do your very best.

It will get better, but it takes a lot of time. Cycling through feelings is normal. It's part of grieving. You won't be in this place forever.

Do what you can to protect your mind and heart, especially while your H continues to blame you. Limit your contact and let him know what you will not accept. Also, set guidelines for his interactions with the kids. He needs to keep his bad feelings about you and your marriage out of his relationship with them. It is also inappropriate for him to discuss other relationships. Your kids aren't ready for that.

Remember - you can't give what you don't have, so take very good care of yourself. It's not selfish. It's essential.

[BRNR]

Well, had to share a little positive.

I finally got h to "suggest" that s9 needs counseling and agree to it. I set up an appointment with one, but was going to have to hide it from H and pay out of my own pocket. At least now it can go though H's insurance and we can split the copay. So tomorrow I will be making different arrangements for s9. Hopefully this is a door that will lead to some positives...

Have a good night everyone.

[Portia]

Hey B,

((Hugs)). Children are not part of my drama so I can only imagine how difficult it is for you trying to look after them and look after you. AJ and GM have given you some great advice from voices of experience.

So you weren't Mary Poppins this time. Shake it off. Next time you want to defend yourself to the teeth against your Hs view of life ( do not blame you a bit) just maybe remind yourself that you do not want H discussing your R with the kids and neither should you. Your kids are old enough to understand what is going on. They see much more than you realize, you do not need to defend yourself to them. Just be there.

I am sure counselling will help. Take care of you.

[BRNR]

Thank you all for your comments

So you weren't Mary Poppins this time. Shake it off. Next time you want to defend yourself to the teeth against your Hs view of life ( do not blame you a bit) just maybe remind yourself that you do not want H discussing your R with the kids and neither should you. Your kids are old enough to understand what is going on. They see much more than you realize, you do not need to defend yourself to them. Just be there.

Portia, I think this is why I was beating myself up last night...because I do know this and have lived like this all along. Thanks for the reminder...I did dust myself off before I went to bed.

So in other news...H didn't make his deposit as he stated he was going to on Friday. I even waited until today to see if it would happen....but NO.

So I feel a little naive thinking H would take care of his financial obligations to me, the boys, and our debt. This Friday will be an entire month of seeing NO money from H and at this point he has made my decision easy to go file for support. Unfortunately even with the award of support, I will not be able to keep up with my side of financial obligations to our joint debt, but I will be able to pay for the house and all the expenses that come with, daily needs for the boys and I, and all of my sole credit lines.

Has this happened to any others on the board?...surely I cannot be the only one. How did others handle things? Has anyone been successful to reconcile under the surmounting financial problems like these?

I know the idea is to keep the road paved home smoothly, but things couldn't possibly be able to turn around from financial stress, which svcks because we had NO financial problems when H decided to leave.

So here goes my marriage...getting deeper into the dark hole. I wish I could see into the future...or at least the finish line. I feel as if I have no path anymore and I am stumbling along trying to find my way.

[job]

BRNR,
The way I see it is that you have two options: 1) file and get something set up whereby funds are deposited to assist you and your children w/the normal day-to-day activities; or 2) you beg and plead w/him each and every time to get him to deposit money. He's using the money as a control method to bring you to your knees.

My question to you is this...are you willing to go through this each and every month? I don't see his crisis ending any time soon and it could take 5 or more years for him to come through it, if he ever does. There are people out in the real world that have very ugly spousal/child support issues during separation/divorce and many years later, reconcile and go on to have happy lives.

Think with your brain, not your heart...survival has to come first.