"Two strangers learn to fall in love again"

[reachingHigher]

H did call me today as we have a few things to work out after the car being totaled. The car is in my name now since it was part of the D settlement last fall and there are some insurance decisions to make.

He also texted me earlier than usual to see how my morning is going.

On the phone, he asked if I would like to go to dinner with him tonight. So that's pretty positive, I think.

Got to keep going back to basics (talking light and friendly, good humor, bringing up new and interesting subjects, looking good, etc.) and being patient.

[TSquared2]

HI rH,

Didn't you know it was pick on lbs week? I will send you a copy of the memo...

W did the nit-picking thing as well...we can just roll with it and pick through the bits to see anything valid. There were a couple few things that W was right about and that I need to work on.

He spent an hour with his IC last week going over my life history trying to uncover any hidden thing that would explain his MLC. He also complained to her and our MC about all my habits that annoy him.

Yup, H is still looking OUTSIDE for reasons, just like W cycled back to that mode...I think they maybe get frustrated with themselves and run back a little...so much easier to blame us.

The replay stuff is hard too, I am pretty sure W was online again based on her behavior, and the fact that she came to our room to check-in with me before bed, she hasn't done that in a while. Seems when ever she thinks she is "busted", or worried that she went too far, she tries real hard to check my temp and such...but idk...

Sorry about the issues with the sons...it's tough, but we get through it. S2 is sooooo unmotivated for school work. It's tiring.

Gotta watch those optimistic thread titles...the one before my current one sure didn't work out as BD3 occurred during it's life...eh, whatever, right?

Hang in there and I hope you make a great weekend for yourself!

T^2

[uRworthy]

Hey Rh, sorry you had a bit of a hard couple of days.

I will tell you that it's normal for them to vacilate when reconnecting.

They need to do this before total reconnection.

It is like they are trying to figure out how to connect all the parts of their life and it is difficult for them.

And he is testing to make sure you arent going anywhere.

You know life is not going to be as it was. I am sure you dont want it exactly the same.

They are forever changed and you have to figure out what you can tolerate and what you cant

Hang in there. You are doing wonderfully.

[Takevowsserious]

Hey rH!

Was just catching up with your sitch...

I have to admit, when I was reading your update, it made me mad. I thought, who the hell does rH's H think he is anyway? He should be thanking his lucky stars you still speak to him, let alone want to rebuild a M with him.

But hey- I do get a little fired up at times

The nit picking? Oh yeah, just more part of the script. I think the guilt may creep up on them, and who wants to feel guilty? So... They try to pick us apart to make themselves feel better. Then again, isn't everything in replay about making them feel better???

And the FB pics? That put my panties in a twist too. I thought - what a hypocrite! He would flip if the roles were reversed!!!!

So, here's just my take...

While he is settling down, keep that focus on you. I think that should include not telling your H every detail of what you are doing. Seems like he still has this alternate life while you lay all your cards out on the table. Now I'm not suggesting you get naked in a hot tub with a bunch of dudes (sounds unsanitary if you ask me!), but I am saying that maybe a little mystery on your end could go a long way.

Sorry about your car too... Glad I just have to deal with broken hot wheels for now!

I am sorry you are feeling down right now. Seems like the highs are wonderful, but the lows are really tough.

You can do this rH. You've already been through so much, stay the course and see things through.

Let's dig in with our patience shovels together

Thinking of you

[reachingHigher]

Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! Tvs, uRw andT^2!!!

I'm fired up again and ready to hit the weekend running!

I love all your posts and will read them over and over!

And......I got the new Body Fat/weight scale (the kind T^2 recommended) in the mail today. I asked H to order it! I told him if it didn't work at least I could lift it a few times and get some use out of it!

I haven't done ANY exercise for a couple months b/c of my fall. I'm about to get clearance for exercise so I wanted my stats at their WORST! Lol! Maybe I'll have H take some pics of me in my bikini tonight! Lol! (before I look for some party hot tub somewhere....)

The scale says I'm 23% BF !!!! I'm actually delighted!

MC and H were discussing my figure right in front of me -- my diet and exercise. H acted like I was fat since I gained 11 pounds after going off the MLC diet last fall. He likes me pretty skinny. Well, I like me fit and this is a good weight for me....I have a starting point to work at least. The scale was a real boost for me!!! (I had to finish eating my raw carrots and low fat ranch dressing dip before I could step on it!)

Thanks everybody!

With a little mystery, some understanding of H and his position, and having received the memo about it's LBS pick on time, I am going to attack this weekend with some PMA!!!!

[Takevowsserious]

You go girl!!!!

I like the spunky attitude!

I will say, your weight/fitness level should not be all about what H likes. It is way more important what you like, what you are comfortable with as far as your body is concerned.

But I say if you want to rock a bikini, then go for it

Have a great Saturday!

[nero]

hey hi-

sorry for the "downs" in the road- it's soooooooo ALL OF US - ISN'T IT? THE little up- the slide down a bit- the questioning every single f'ing thing we do, think, say, etc.\

hold onto your little "upward " signs and shove the rest back.

my two cents - don't look at the darn fb. it's salt in your wound- if i looked - if i could that is - i don't think i could stay this course. the picture would destroy it. (my pma) maybe- head in sand? or wisdom? your call


all i can think is that when this journey is over for all or any of us- what strong & "new-ish" people we will be. I am hopeful it doesn't grind any spark of mercy & hope out of us- i'm thinking we will be STRONGER by far.

good luck and hang in there. we all watch and hope . I would grant you all good things if i had the power. isn't it wierd how much you could relate and "feel" for people you feel you know sooooo intimately- yet wouldn't know if you passed them on the street. the human heart- we have them.

just holdin on for another day- good luck- xxxoo ((( )))

[reachingHigher]

Thank you, tvs. I want to be at a weight and fitness level I like, too. It used to be in our old M that the way I look was a joint discussion. Now I just want to look and feel great!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We had a very good reconnection last night. The night before (when I was upset about the hot tub pic) it was very cool between us. We went to sleep holding hands instead of cuddling like we usually do.

We went to eat last night in town and I dressed as nice as possible for the place we were going to (just a local grill but I wanted to look nice but not overdone). We ate and laughed and talked and planned where we would eat this coming Friday which is our 15th anniversary.

On the way back, H needed to go out of the way to put gas in the Mustang so on the way I just said casually, "so what did you wear while in the hot tub?". He said he wore an extra bathing suit his buddy had and then he added "I wish I hadn't done the hot tub thing at all.".

I quickly changed the subject as I didn't want him to feel any pressure.

At home we had a long discussion with S19 b/c he is unhappy with some of the changes in the family since MLC. It covered a lot of ground that hadn't been said aloud previously but was quite uncomfortable. H reconfirmed several times about "coming back" and "I nearly D your mother", etc.

Just before H & I went to sleep, we were cuddling and he said, "so....I have to know...did you purposely go looking for party pics on FB?". And I said, "yes".

Me: "the party hurt me really bad."

Him: "what part hurt you?"

Me: "the girls, the drinking and the fact I wasn't invited."

We then talked for several minutes about the party and things he admitted things he wished he had done differently. Then we talked about what our future social life would look like. We both see the need of "easing" into a different social life. We both want to make new friends and a new social circle. But it will take some time.

He also talked about reducing his smartphone usage with FB connections with these girls. I noticed even at the restaurant when he left to use the bathroom and I was still sitting at our table that he left his wallet and phone on the table in front of me.

Meanwhile he asked "permission" to attend a short wine event in June. I told him that's fine with me but whenever he does that I never hear from him again and he shows up in the wee hours. He said he doesn't want it to be that way. So I think he is trying to change his social drinking habits. Sincerely trying.

He also said that he is sure I wouldn't want any of the girls he drinks with to be my friends. He said I wouldn't enjoy them and we wouldn't have anything in common. Probably true.

So....I feel we are back on the road home, emotionally. I feel really good being able to say how I really feel about the hurt, etc. And I feel reconnection isn't an "overnight" thing but definitely a process. I see him making a lot of effort and also we are working to have the "balance of power" correct in the home.

H wants me to have more freedom to do what I want, and that means the boys taking more responsibilities themselves, which is why S19 was upset.

I felt the evening's discussions to be all positive and healthy and a good effort to build our new M.

P.S. nero, just saw your post, thank you! Yes, staying off FB is a good thing and I'm losing interest in it. Which is good...

And yes, connection with virtual strangers/friends I never dreamt could mean SO much!!! Thank you for taking the time and interest to post.

[Raine]

rH reading about your H brings me right back to HS. I think the social pressure on your H is incredibly strong in that group. In HS I was a pretty good kid, but even I got pressured into doing things I know I would regret and knew i didn't want my parents finding out. I can imagine the conversation of your H not wanting to do the hot tub, complaining he doesn't have a suit, in his mind, worried about your feelings, but yet not going to disappoint his friends. They would keep egging him on, solving the problems by providing a suit. Then afterwards having regrets and thinking, "I need a new group of friends." The problem is, our HS level friends always made us feel great about ourselves. They accepted everything about us. There is that fear in HS that we are all going to grow up, leave, and not have each other anyone, and then who will be our friend? As adults it's easier to drop friends. I don't have time for friends that are drama or pressuring. I have other friends. In HS I did not feel that way. I would be devastated to lose those friends.

You don't have anything in common with these friends. It would be like hanging out with a HS crowd. And your husband is likely coming to the realization, he doesn't either.

[reachingHigher]

Thanks Raine, I hadn't seen the HS connection. It really fits this and a lot of scenarios.

This morning H told me that a work friend of his (same age as my H, similar interests and I have met him -- really nice guy) is going to be in our town next weekend for a classic car show with his club and in the evening go to a special drive-in movie theater event here. This man asked H if he would like to attend. H thought he could bring our Mustang convertible and ..... ME ..... and watch the movie as this guy is bringing his W also! Yay!

So, possibly some new friends on the horizon?