I managed to unintentionally temperature check my W and she dropped BD2. At least this time it did not hurt as much. The main part of the BD conversation were: 'I just need to get out of here, I don't love you, and I feel like my life is wasting away'. She's not said this since the first few weeks after initial BD.
My W has not been right all week. She has been very down, withdrawn, angry, snappy and horrid towards me. Pretty much the exact behaviour as she showed before initial BD. I knew something was wrong, but it really kicked off when I was talking to her about her job and pointing out that she could start the training process now. At which point I was accused of trying to keep her here.
Its not been a great week for my W. We had to give up the family pet, she has had a bad week with work, she has not had any joy looking for a new job, and money has been tight. This has made her depressed and very unhappy. It is really upsetting her, she told me how she felt useless, trapped, panicky, and like she had ruined her life and was back at square one. She doesn't know who she is anymore, regrets giving up everything to have kids and how she should never have done this, its not what she wanted.
Although she will not admit it, she is resentful towards me claiming that I seem to be happy and how I have everything i need / want but take it for granted. I have a good job (which apparently is unfair as she had to give hers up for kids!), I have family around me, where she has only one parent left (i have 3 generations left above me), and don't have to worry about where to live etc. This does hurt a little as I have done everything I can to work hard to keep a roof over our head, but according to W I take it for granted because I have told her in the past how my job is stressful and sometimes hard to deal with. In fact I feel like I have spent the last 10 years of my life trying to keep my W happy.
W then went on to tell me that she is expected to be a person she is not, and does not want to be. That she never wanted to get married, have kids, be a stay at home mother, but she did this for other people because thats what she thought would make them happy. She resents her parents for that, for trapping her in a lifestyle she does not want, for moving to live near us, for her mother getting ill. And she blames me for it too because I let it happen and I was happy for her to be this person, and did not do anything to stop it. The fact is, she is the one that always wanted marriage and kids, not me, she pushed me into it - gave me the ultimatum many moons ago that she could not be with me if i could not commit. She always talked about having more kids, it was me that was happy with what we had. She always looked forward to giving up work to have kids as she was sick of traveling to work, but now she claims she loved that journey. She is yet again turning everything into a negative, everything towards me and her parents, and she is now asking herself (out loud and in front of me) 'how did she let her life get in such a mess'.
I then got accused of not doing anything to move things on, and she asked whether I was hoping that this was all going to go away, why I had not sorted out divorce papers, or split the finances yet. Why I was unwilling to talk about it all. It was the not willing to talk about it that is troubling her most. I think she believes that because I will not happily talk about the plan, i.e.. when we need to do stuff by and set dates, that I am dragging my heals. She actually accused me of getting a kick out of seeing her upset and panicked by not being about to move on with her life, and how I was happy that she was stuck. She asked whether I thought she would just give up on the idea and make do. At this point I stopped her and told her that I do not want a wife to stay with me just because she has to, that I have self respect and she should show me some respect too.
Basically this whole attack at me was the same as I already knew from BD 3 months ago. However these 3 months seem to have been a life time for my W. She thinks that because she has not found a job yet, been able to move out, get on with life that her life is slowly wasting away. She is absolutely desperate to move out now, and will do anything to do this. She claims she does not feel like this is her home any more and how every moment she spends her is horrible. I think within the next month she will go. She also told me how everybody around her is telling her to move away with the kids, make me pay, and make it work for her. Why would they say this? I have done nothing wrong!
I don't really know what to do next. Obviously its only been 3 months for me which is not long, but for my W its a lifetime. Doing what I am doing is just irritating my W more as she thinks I am playing games, or enjoying this. Do I push it forward more, sort out papers? Show that I am willing for this to happen? I feel like i just need to let her go, but how? She is not doing anything to move it forward herself other than trying to find a magic fix for her life. The more I don't do anything the more she resents me. I feel that if this carries on we will hate each other before long.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Sorry to hear of your recent events. For what it's worth, I think most of us have had several BD's. I know I've had at least 3-4, and unintentionally brought at least one of them on with my comments, and W is still here. So relax and stay calm. Be the rock.
Dust yourself off and get back on track. Continue to give her space. If she confronts you with talk of D, listen and validate. Do not begin the D process unless D is what you want. You can't fix her, and even you doing all the D legwork won't fix her/make her happy.
Your W has to come to the conclusion that you are not the cause of the pain she is in. This will take time. She is upset with the life choices she has made, more than she is upset with you. It's just easier to blame it on you. Understand this and you won't have to take her cruel words personally.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Do I push it forward more, sort out papers? Show that I am willing for this to happen? I feel like i just need to let her go, but how? She is not doing anything to move it forward herself other than trying to find a magic fix for her life. The more I don't do anything the more she resents me. I feel that if this carries on we will hate each other before long.
Do you want to "push it forward"? I'm sure there are moments, like when you're crouched in the fox hole while mortars explode around you, that you'd say "YES!". But if deep at your core you don't want to move forward, then don't. Especially if you would be doing it just to please your W.
Because there is no pleasing her right now. If you went ahead and filed, she would have no trouble turning that into "Are you just willing to give up on our marriage!?!"
However, that said, you could go consult an attorney. This would serve to educate you and if your W drops another bomb you can tell her that you have seen an attorney.
If she wanted "away" that badly, she'd just go. Its not like she needs divorce papers to go out the door.
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She also told me how everybody around her is telling her to move away with the kids, make me pay, and make it work for her. Why would they say this? I have done nothing wrong!
Remember that truth for an MLCer is, shall we say, fluid? There are a couple options here. 1. Could be that nobody has said anything of the sort. 2. Could be that she has told "everybody" her current version of her life. So impressionable people might think you are some sort of monster.
It does seem clear that she's feeling panicked and trapped. What can you do to back up even further? I confess I haven't read your entire history, so if I'm being redundant I apologize. Are you still spending evenings together? Can you find somewhere to go for at least a couple evenings a week? Are you letting her initiate all contact, ie phone calls and texts?
Final words of advice. Turn up the "dim". Find more space - order it from Amazon if you have to - and give it to her. And wait. If you don't know what you want to do, do nothing. As Saint Snodderly says, wait quietly and the answers will come.
Reaching Higher's Notecard
WHAT I NEED TO DO: Back off Give tons of space Art of silence Engaged listening Stop trying to control the outcome Don't react poorly Don't try to fix him Validate him/her Let him/her find his own solutions Give him/her time Give him/her consistency Let go of needing to know why
WHAT I MAY GET: Him/Her come to me on his own Him/Her trust me
ALSO: Don't lose hope Don't think it will be a quick fix Have no expectations Recognize the blessings in my life Act as if he/she is not coming back Constantly fine tune based on current realities
REMEMBER: NO pressure about OP Maintain emotional control
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I got bomb drop #2 about the same time, about 4 months in...I've had 3 BDs this go around, GALbaby had 4...if W's most recent one is any indication, she was stressed, frustrated with her other stuff, probably hitting the heights of OM withdrawal, and her "run" reflex kicked in, and who to blame, what to blame...um...T and the M will do nicely...
From what you've written, sounds really familiar, she might be entering the "anger" stage in full bloom...the complete re-write of your M history, the unhappiness, the trapped feelings...sounds like my W at this point back in Dec 2011-Mar 2012...
So, what to do, what to do?...definitely hit the dimmer switch as Ms. suggested, and rH's note card can be printed up as needed.
Now, find somewhere, something to do on many evenings...get out of the way of typhoon W. I have spent so many hours at my office at work through this, due to low finances, couldn't afford to do much else, and I needed to avoid pubs and other dangerous places (lol), leaving W to herself and her anger. Out of her way, out of my OWN way.
As the other posters have said, you are not going to be able to do much right, right now.
Memorize this:
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Your W has to come to the conclusion that you are not the cause of the pain she is in. This will take time. She is upset with the life choices she has made, more than she is upset with you. It's just easier to blame it on you. Understand this and you won't have to take her cruel words personally.
FY is correct. Do not take it personally, though some things may be about you, and true (and you know what they are, once you sift through the mountain of ill), this is really HER thing...if you listen carefully, she will let things slip out without consciously knowing, but you will have to sift through to discover them.
Read up in the resources about the anger stage, "doormat" behavior and all, as many times as it takes to sink in. I had to read them weekly during this phase. In my sitch, walking the line between being a caring, loving person and a doormat allowed my W to express, and eventually burn out the anger that she had held in since childhood (anger in her family was not an allowed emotion in the kids). I won't kid you, it was very tough on me, but I survived...you will too.
And now, W only remembers being very angry, the details...? Not so much...
Read up, educate yourself, lace up those boots and hang in there!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
This is her journey to walk. Your job is to get out of the way and let her.
You know the truth of your memories. They were real.
She knows something wrong, cant figure out what and that angers her. Because she is hurting and often when people are, they lash out at those closest to them.
It doesnt matter what you do right now, she would find fault.
So it is best to just give her space to sort things out.
You have to dig in now. Really dig in and lovingly let her go.
Thanks for your support - I am off out to GAL and will take some time to read through when I return!
It's good to be here and have the support of people that know what I am going through. Not many people surrounding me in the outside world have a clue!
You are all correct though - she is angry and upset at how life is treating her and the decisions she has made.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Hello All, it took a bit longer to reply than I thought. Had a good time GALing and didn't get around to coming back to here until now, which I take as a good sign.
I think all of what has been said is very true, and I can take a lot from this
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Do you want to "push it forward"?
I regards to D, no. I don't. I must admit thought after BD2 i feel like its pushed me away from my W more, and helped me detach a little. I've been able to think less about my W and more about me. I do have the feeling hanging over me about her trip away soon, but I have to ignore that. I can't stop her going and can't control what she gets up to right?
W continues to replay life from just before we met. Going out and getting very drunk, listening to music from this time, etc. I think this is the period she feels she was most happy. Us meeting was not what she was looking for, but we just feel in love with each other, and not long after this is where she claims her life started going wrong and where she made the wrong decisions. So i guess her going back to just before then would make sense.
We had a family day today, one which W suggested we did, but when it came to it this morning she was less than happy to go, she did not say anything but I could just tell. However, as the day went on she let her guard down and we had fun. Fun like we used to have, and by the end of the day she has lightened up a lot, smiling and laughing, and at points it looked like she almost had to stop herself getting caught in the moment and forgetting where she was. No expectations from this at all. I played it very cool all day, and did not pursue, in fact I pushed the fact that we went our own way as part of the day out (ie each taking one of the kids off to different places), but she was the one that made physical contact (non loving, just to help me navigate around something), we even shared finding things funny!
Now all I have to do is make sure I do not relax. This is what happens when things feel better again. I relax, start to pursue or forget the challenge ahead, and it pushes her away again. I just need to tell myself.
My W wants D My W does not love me right now My W is emotionally unstable My W loves an OM My W see's no future together My W may just be more friendly as she feels I am happy with our sitch
I am okay with this. I just want to get on with MY life now, and if she follows then even better. Lets hope I can keep this PMA up for a few weeks. That way when she does go away, she will be leaving behind a H only a fool would leave. And whether she is meeting a friend or OM, the picture she leaves behind will be me at my best.
Can I ask - does anybody elses MLCer say they don't feel like the house they are living in is their home? I wish my W did not feel like she can not live here anymore, I know she feels trapped her, maybe that's it.
Mizjjd, a quick summary on my sitch so you don't have to read the whole lot. We do live together, but never spend evenings together, but do spend a lot of time together with kids. We eat together, and talk a lot early evening. We do both go out every other night or so (not together). Our work is connected so going dim in the day is tricky. I try not to make contact most of the time, unless i need to. Weekends we tend to spend the most time together, and I feel this is more for the kids, but we try and do our own things. Hope that helps a little?
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
W continues to be friendly, happy and helpful. Still trying to find my balance between distant, helpful and friendly. I need to get it right this time and not let myself fall back into the trap. I can feel the pull but trying to resist it!
This going dim business is a tricky one to get right when living together and having two young kids. Especially when W begins to act like we are a happy family again!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Can I ask - does anybody elses MLCer say they don't feel like the house they are living in is their home? I wish my W did not feel like she can not live here anymore, I know she feels trapped her, maybe that's it.
Yes. Early on my W said all she thought about all day at work was running away, getting a place of her own, etc. Also said being around me "felt weird".
Removing all pressure to re-commit, and giving her space and freedom has gone a long way to helping her feel comfortable around here. She no longer seems to be going anywhere. On New Year’s eve, she heard the Soul Asylum song “Runaway Train” while she was journaling. She stopped and told me how she was just writing about how she "didn’t runaway last year"! I like to think I had a hand in that.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi FY, that all sounds familiar. I have not applied any pressure to commit at all over the last months, but I feel that I have been trying to control certain areas of our R, and I think this is what has caused BD2 and also to make W accuse me of trying to make her stay / or enjoying watching her suffer. (That and not wanting to engage in discussions on D / selling house etc) From now on i am backing off more, if she wants to do things I am not going to point out the downfalls of these things, only support her like I would a friend. Maybe even if I think something is a bad idea, let her try it out. Because having my say is what I have always done, only because I care, but I can see how this could come across as controlling and W not being her own person.
W continues today to me overly nice. Then again she always gets like this when she has a trip away planned. So reading nothing in to this. I think I am only just beginning to get this now. Strange I thought I got it before, but I think i was fooling myself into knowing what to do, but only pretending to do it.
It hurts that I am letting go a little, and i feel like I am taking a huge gamble, but what I have done for the last 3 months has not really worked.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
- and give it to her. And wait. If you don't know what you want to do, do nothing. As Saint Snodderly says, wait quietly and the answers will come.
