Ease on down the road......

[ForeverYoung]

You said it has been almost 6 years since your BD. How long did you stand, and were you the one to initiate D?

Ok, so I went back to your opening post and seen you filed after two years of putting up with crap. It sounds like H was realy making things stressful on you. Looking back, do you wish you had filed sooner?

I'm so glad to hear you were able to keep your three promises to yourself... and thankful that you continue to post here to help others.

I've been able to keep my first promise to myself. Stand for at least a year. I really don't want to leave my love if she is in pain and confused. She stood by me all these years. It does help that she is a low energy MLC'er. (but still hurts plenty)

[uRworthy]

Hey Fy, several months after my xh told me out of the blue that he no longer wanted to be married, I found out he had an ow.

It was his gf from 30 years ago. The one he was with before me. She had lived with him at the time and cheated on him with his best friend. He broke up with her and shortly after, he met me. She wanted him back, but, he was not interested.

We met when I was 19, married 4 years later. We had some extremely tramatic life events, but, we had a good marriage. As a result of these events, he became more and more rigid, I became more and more depressed.

But I loved him deeply and accepted him for who he was.

When BD came, I was devastated. I did all the wrong things for quite sometime, til I figured stuff out.

I confronted him about the affair, he denied it. He stayed in my bed for almost a year. Stayed in the house for another year.

All the while, I worked on me.

I wish I had done things differently. I wish that I insisted he leave the house sooner.

He would not file. In my state, debt is divided in half no matter if it is in one spouse's name. It does not matter if you dont know about it. There is no legal separation. I did not know how much debt he was amassing, but, I knew it was a lot. So, I had no choice but to file. I do wish I had done it sooner as his debt was over $50,000.

There is so much more to the financial stuff he did.

I knew he was in a MLC. I knew he was hurting. But, I also knew that I had to take care of me and our son.

He would go to see the ow whenever he could. He then moved two hours away.

As my son was older, it was no longer necessary for us to have a lot of contact.

When the affair was over, he came to talk to me. I know he felt there was so much damage that I hated him.

I told him that I forgave him and that I will always love him and that I wish him well on his life's journey.

He moved 5 hours away for a job. Whenever I saw him, we were cordial. I tried to keep him in the loop about our son. As he was still very much in the tunnel, he hadnt been very involved.

I worked on me. I had a lot of stuff I needed to change.

I know without a singe doubt that he needed to do this.

I also know that life did not turn out as he thought it would.

He still marvels that I even talk to him. I have told him that you dont just throw away 30 years. At least I couldnt.

He has done some horrific things. And as he still continues to do them, I take what he says with a grain of salt.

I know he has deep regrets about some of what he has done to me. And he knows he lost the best thing he ever had.

But we are very different people now.

And I know that he is still in the tunnel, though he is peaking out more and more.

I agree with you, we should not dump them or find a new relationship. I also know that we should not give up our lives for them either.

I did not make a conscious decision to stand or not stand. I just lived my life the best way I knew how. And I lovingly let him go.

He knows that I am no longer angry with him. He knows if he needed a friend, I would be there as I would for any other friend.

He has a life in another state. And no one ne knows what the future holds.

But I do know this. While I wish I could have learned what I needed to learn under different circumstances, this was a journey I was meant to go on.

[uRworthy]

And Fy, as I said, I promised myself throughout it all, that I would act with dignity and that I would not allow what happened to make me behave in an angry or negative way towards my h. And I kept those promises.

For a lot of reasons. One of which was to honor a marriage, a 30 year relationship and to respect the father of my son.

And that, I do not regret.

[BklynMom]

Really beautiful.

The whole story gives me such a feeling of love and light

[Takevowsserious]

Dear UW ~

Thank you for sharing your story. I too have often wondered if there would be a chance for R for you and xh. The human heart is so delicate, yet resiliant and fascinating- sometimes I feel like we never really know what could possibly happen when it comes to our emotions.

Thirty years is a long time, a lot of life lived in that time. It speaks volumes about you how you handled yourself then, and the dignified manner in which you continue to live your life.

It is an inspiration to us all

I hope, really really hope, that one day you will find the love you deserve, and that your heart will be open to receive it.

You are one special lady, UW. With all the kindness you show others, I hope you realize this about yourself

[reachingHigher]

Hi uRw,

Thank you so much for sharing. This is an amazing story of true love and growth.

This is my favorite:

I did not make a conscious decision to stand or not stand. I just lived my life the best way I knew how. And I lovingly let him go.

And I love the name you picked. It says a lot about who you are and your belief in giving other people freedom.

Thank you,
rH

[uRworthy]

My friend, T, thank you so much for your kind words. They mean so very much to me.

And you are right, we cannot possibly know what can happen when it comes to our emotions.

I try really hard to live a life of dignity. It is the cornerstone for all my actions and reactions. That mindset keeps me in check.

I have had more than one person tell me that if all this happened to them, they know without a doubt that they would wind up angry and resentful and bitter.

I gently remind them that is no way to live. It is far harder to forgive, but, oh the rewards.

I always try to keep it real. There are times when I am really struggling financially or healthwise, and know he is driving around in a bmw and I think it would be really easy to lash out and blame him. I have to think it would not change the situation, but, it would change me.

I wished him well and I mean it.

I do not know what my future holds. If it is meant to hold love, that will enrich my life. But if it isnt, that is ok, too.

I am always a work in progress. So, I do not always see myself in the light that others might.

As long as I have my roadmap though, I am ok.

[labug]

Hi, just stopping by...

This post has really helped me:

The feeling that you won’t get through this will go away.
Really embrace the fact that you did the best you could with the knowledge and tools you had at the time. Had you known better, you would have done better.
Own your own stuff, let your spouse own theirs.
Your spouse is in a life crisis. It is their journey. Let them walk it. Your job is to get out of the way.
Any changes you deem necessary to make have to be real and for you. If they are not, it doesn’t serve you well and doesn’t help the situation.
Always act with dignity.
Use the feelings of anger you will have as a way to propel you forward. Feel them, and then let them wash over you and let them go. Otherwise it will weigh you down and sap your energy.
You may feel you need your spouse, but in reality, you don’t. You want them. There is a difference.
Whenever you think that your life is horrible, remember there are always others whose lives are more difficult.
Never, ever get in the way of your children’s relationship with their other parent.
Your children are looking to you to show them how to navigate through life’s difficulties. What a gift you have been given. Make sure you show them well.
This journey is a wonderful opportunity to become the person you were meant to be – the very best you.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It brings you freedom and peace.
And something so important – always remember that you are worthy. No one and nothing can take that away - except you.

[sayitaintso]

But I do know this. While I wish I could have learned what I needed to learn under different circumstances, this was a journey I was meant to go on.

Amen. And thanks for sharing

[uRworthy]

Hey Labug, thanks for stopping by. I am so glad if that post helped you in some way.

Those were some hard earned lessons and I am happy to pass them along.

Hiya, Say, thanks for stoppin' in.