post-D with WAW

[azguy]

So just to document my preoccupation with this Mother's Day thing

Her:
Very nice invitation. I had not planned to be with him on Mothers Day beyond the normal 8am, so whatever you think is best.

Me:
Ok. We're going to move it, to avoid potential conflicts with other families anyway.

I don't mind if you decide you would like to change the schedule; S may prefer it. I just didn't think about Mother's Day when working out the arrangements earlier.

Her:
I don't intend to change the schedule since we have already agreed on the spreadsheet.

Me:
That's fine. I was just surprised that I missed it, so wanted to be certain I hadn't neglected your preference.

Me again:
You know, I can hear my own mom in my just-sent email where I say:

"That's fine. I was just surprised that I missed it, so wanted to be certain I hadn't neglected your preference."

Please ignore the transparent plea for a pat on the head.




I feel like I got overly wound up in making sure she knew I was being generous (something my mom typically does). Oh well, not a big issue, just my obsession of the day.

[azguy]

Stressful work right now, and I find this is when I really miss my XW the most. She was so good at listening to the difficulties I have to deal with. A couple weeks ago she actually opened up a bit and told me she couldn't believe some of the issues I was having to deal with (we work at the same place, and know each others responsibilities). I melted a bit inside. Just joked in response, because I was surprised. Wish I could have bottled some of that for today.

[azguy]

Journal:

Dropped S off at XW's place after spending Friday evening and Saturday. We had fun planning his birthday party, and playing a video dance game. I have a crazy schedule right now. Gone next week for work, so that was it until next Sunday.

Looking back on things tonight. One of the suggestions my DB coach gave was to occasionally invite XW along on things S and I were doing to give her a chance to interact as a friend. That was a couple months ago now and I've noticed I've tried three separate times. Each one was casual and something we were doing anyway: going to the zoo, having an Easter brunch and scavenger hunt, and, next week, his birthday party. Each one she declined and given no indication she was interested. I am trying to be patient, but I don't know what to do to encourage friendship, or even friendly co-parenting. I considered ours a close friendship when we were married. I didn't think she'd be that opposed to us interacting.

Had a friendly conversation when I dropped S off this evening. We compared work stories and headaches. Talked about summer trips. Turns out we are both going to a concert this weekend. I hadn't thought I should go with them, but it was kind of awkward to admit that I would be there, and for her just to say "uh-huh."

I have been getting very clear signals that she doesn't want to spend any social time with me all spring. I just haven't wanted to admit that I saw them. I was hoping I would see some softening of that.

So, I'm pretty depressed tonight.

[reb9597]

... and you work with XW too? Sorry, that must be difficult.

Do you think you've built up some expectations? You were going to do the activities anyways and it was very generous to invite XW, but you couldn't be disappointed if you didn't have expectations to some degree. Obviously it's hard not to have hope but I guess the only thing to do is check your expectations at the door and continue with your best life. Like going to concerts!

I totally understand why it's depressing. It's still a shock to me when I discover H's activities he enjoys are still syncing with mine, because the obvious conclusion is - why aren't we doing this together?

I posted a question for you on my thread but maybe would be better here - you've admitted to over working in the past, do you feel you (unintentionally) chose your work over your family in past? And if your working too much in the past was an issue for XW, seems like it may not be productive to talk to her about work stress? Would that be same as before?

Hang in there and enjoy your concert!

[azguy]

I think I've had expectations, since she moved out a year ago, but I've realized they're fantasies, so it's not really those, that have me down. (By the way, my favorite fantasy is that she just calls me one day and asks to talk, and I know she has changed her mind. Wouldn't that be amazing? And I know won't happen. Still can't get rid of it)

I''m just out of ideas how to leave the door open. I feel powerless (nothing I do or say has had any noticable effect on her attitude for a good year now) and delusional (what am I thinking that we could actually reconcile at this point). It's an emotion tonight. Time will tell whether it's longer lasting.

Good point about work. When I talk about work, it's not like when we used to have a R. More like discussion with a colleague. When she comforted me last month, it was actually after hearing about my stress from someone else. If I mention stress now, I always am sure to show her that I am dealing with it differently than when we were together (not letting it get ot me, not such a big deal, etc.) But you're right that I should be careful about this topic. I forget so soon, what caused some of the rifts between us.

Maybe I'm overdue for a call with my DB coach.

[azguy]

Oh, I forgot one odd interaction that regularly happens between us the last several months. At the beginning of the year I adopted two young cats with my S. My XW had taken the cats to her place over Christmas (at my encouragement) and I had decided the house was lonely without them.

So whenever I travel, I make sure to have other friends to stop by and check on them, or just make sure they have enough food and water for short trips. She almost always asks whether they should look in on them. My answer is the same. They'll have food and water (and someone to check on them) but feel free to stop by and give them some company. They usually do. I don't want to read much into this, but I've actually been surprised that she does this. The negative part of me thinks she is just worried I'm so absent minded the cats are going to starve sooner or later. Anyway, odd detail, I occasionally obsess over.

[T1000]

Could you not just ask her to feed them while you are away next time? See what happens. At the very least you will be changing something and she is unlikely to say no to your request.

I have been listening to 'How to make friends and influence people' this week. The more they say yes to you the more likely they will be to say yes to you when it is something they might have originally said no about. Worth a try.

[azguy]

That's a good idea. Not askinng her was a change from our M where anytime I traveled I just expected her to deal with any home issues. I didn't want her to feel that was still the way I was thinking.

[T1000]

Understandable, asking her once might give you some sort of idea if she doesn't like it.

[stilllookingup]

Could you not just ask her to feed them while you are away next time? See what happens. At the very least you will be changing something and she is unlikely to say no to your request.

I agree. Just ask and see what happens. Whenever I have to ask my H something I do the same thing. I fill the sentence with fillers (unnecessary words) like "I know I should've done this but would you... I know I could check it later but would you.." I guess I do that because I fear he might say no.