Crazy little thing called MLC

[TSquared2]

We sure do a lot of this ^^^^ during this journey, don't we? Holding things back, etc...Not like it was before this, eh?

You're awesome Raine...keep going!

T^2

[Takevowsserious]

You are definitely awesome Raine!!!

Glad you are holding up well. It is very easy to over do it, so be kind to yourself. Dishes can sit, laundry can wait. It's way more important to get some rest when you can, and take care of you

So much of what you write in your posts resonates with me. Often times I think, "Yes, I could have written that myself!"

This is tough, tough stuff.

But it is true, we are becoming stronger, wiser, more humble human beings. I too feel like I would never take anything for granted in a R again. I also feel that I would never center my life around any future R, giving up other things in my life. Even now, I have a life that H is a part of, but not the center. Big difference.

Live and learn, right?

I had to chuckle when the one OW gave your H a baby present - what??? These women are just too much, dripping with desperation. Though you'll be glad to know that the airplane that OW bought S4 mysteriously ended up in the garbage can at my work the other day lol!

Hope you have a great Saturday

[reachingHigher]

Oh Raine, strange things for OW to give a gift for the baby! You must be just whirling with "how weird can this get?"

Yet, you are staying the path, doing the right things, holding the home and fort down with love and passion for the vision of family that you carry in your heart!

And for your boys, that translates into reality -- flesh and blood mommy with hugs and kisses and laughs and bandaids and joy. You're there for everyone!

Try to pamper yourself in the few minutes you might have a day.

One of my sister does EFT, "tapping" they call it. I don't want to do it but she told me that she repeats a mantra sometimes "I deeply and completely accept myself.". When I'm having a really bad day, I just say that to myself over and over while doing activities. Somehow it does really help to calm my spirit.

About my H changing the things he said at BD. No, not really. Did you see what FY posted about what we see as "bomb drop" they see as an "awakening"? So, I think from their POV, there isn't this big apology waiting to happen.

My H did admit that he felt it wasn't true that he didn't love me. It's just that our love didn't reach to a deeper level than it could have.

He really doesn't talk about anything now. I'm guessing it will be a few months like this. He is in the process of moving back and accepting he is moving back. I hope he doesn't feel like his experiment "failed". I'm afraid to ask him questions. He will talk when he is ready and we are doing MC.

I know, you want them to acknowledge the incredible hurt they caused us. I don't think they can. I'm guessing my H will not remember it any more then he remembers clothes I bought myself during replay, or family things he has forgotten. I don't think he means it poorly, it just IS.

This whole journey seems to me to be one of ultimate love. Learning to accept someone as to how they are, who they want to be, right now. It's not often easy. Sometimes nearly impossible! But I think it is the core of what makes life so very special. True love. Really truly love.

[GatorGirl]

Sigh...things are going well. Nothing is filed, nothing is finalized but Florida is pretty much the express lane for divorce. If you have agreed on all the terms and don't need a judge to intervene (we really have nothing we are fighting over), the waiting period after filing is a whopping TWENTY DAYS! My attorney tells me she can get us on the docket in three to four weeks after we file. I'm finishing up my financial paperwork.

What you say about future relationships is true. I don't take anything for granted. Every thoughtful gesture, every hug, every grasp of my hand...I try to be mindful of it all without seeming like some crazy obsessed person. Odd balance.

I got the 'we are just too different' line as well when H left. For example, he's a night owl, I would go to bed early (and just before he left, he would wait until I went to bed so he could continue drinking). They are all excuses for the mess that's going on inside their heads. I cannot imagine what sort of h3ll you would have to be in to think that your BEST choice is to leave your spouse and your family. And we aren't talking about the traditional "three A's for divorce (addiction, abuse, adultery)" as a reason to leave-just that they are messed up in the head. Your H will list every reason under the sun as to why he's still gone and until he gets his sh*t together and figures it all out, he will continue to use those excuses.

The first anniversary of my H's best friend's murder was last week. He went back to his home town and spent the weekend with his BFF's family. And oddly, didn't even pay a visit to his own brother, SIL and nephews that literally live ten minutes down the road from where he was staying. Nice, isn't it? Couldn't be bothered. Ridiculous. Totally not the man I married.

I feel like I'm in a good place. I'm actually ready for the D to just be done and over so I can really move on and close that door. It's not the way I wanted it to be but I just can't trust H anymore and he really is not the same person I married. I love him and I think I always will but I'm certainly not in love with him anymore, which makes me sad. We always said we were soul mates. Turns out he had a thousand things he couldn't say to me and even more things that I think he lied to me about. I do feel some days like our whole marriage was a sham but then I see my beautiful children and know that couldn't possibly be the case. My ego wants my H to wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat some day and regret what he's done and my heart wants him to never have to hurt like that because he's clearly hurting enough. The greatest revenge is success and my plan is being executed perfectly.

Kids are doing well-D potty trained herself just after Christmas and is completely done with diapers, even at night time, which is amazing. S is doing well and his behavior at school is finally coming around (naturally since school ends in a month). Things are good and I think we are all in a good place.

I do think of you often even if I don't stop by...

Hugs,
GG

[Raine]

T2, It's amazing how much this journey has changed me as a person. I don't think I had much patience before this. I know that H feels I've changed a lot, but probably doesn't realize to what extent. He likely feels he is getting away with a lot, when the reality is I'm just not calling him on it.

TVS, I get what you mean about reading your posts and thinking, I could have said that. The honestly here is really refreshing. I feel it's so important too, to be honest about our feelings, even when we know that we need to do better and that what we are feeling isn't how we should be. I think it's helpful to realize that we all make mistakes and we're all imperfect. The biggest thing I've realized is I don't need to be married, in a relationship, or with H to be happy. All those things were the center of my life, and I counted on them to always be consistent and relied on them too much for my own happiness. Never again. It can add to it, but the center of my happiness has to come from me.

I was shocked too about the baby present. I think my first words were, "Really? from OW3? Wow." I guess that's better than OW4 posting on FB how miserable she, likely in response to all the pics of H with the baby, me and family. I think that was a better present for me actually.

I've been a little annoyed that neither he or his work didn't do anything for us, when he went all out for one of his employees a few weeks ago when she had a baby. Kind of made me feel sad that he didn't do anything for me or the baby, no flowers or even a hug. Just a reminder of where this is I guess. Our anniversary is coming up soon. I doubt he'll even acknowledge it, like Valentines Day. No expectations, but sad all the same.

rH - Yes it was really weird, but then he seems to count them all as "friends," and they think I don't know any better. She gave him other gifts for himself too. I think it's ridiculous how these women all buy him stuff for his birthday, christmas, just for being in town.

The boys are all adjusting really well to H being gone again. That is good. I think they just don't count on him for anything, but are happy when he is around.

My H said a lot of button pushing things after BD, which I wonder if he can even remember them now. I'm not going to bring them up ever. He can't remember things from a few weeks ago, so not expecting he will remember those. And if he did remember them, I think he would feel awful. He already has plenty that he can remember to feel awful about. I think it is interesting that both of our H's are going to hold true to some of these reasons for leaving. That makes sense. I feel that way too. If we can make it through this, we will make it through anything. I think if we can make it through this, the bond that would be formed would be nearly impossible to break.

GG, that is something that is consistent everyday, with any interaction. This is not the man I married. This is not the man of two years ago even. That guy would be appalled by this story.

That is so awesome with your D! I can't wait to be done with diapers. S2 started to potty train himself before baby came and I was so not ready for that. He is off and on, but I let him take the lead.

[Raine]

Some things in my sitch have changed very dramatically. Some major things have happened with regards to him dropping all OW. He is waking up in a way I have never seen before. I don't know if this is just part of his cycle, and so I have no hope or expectations, and I'm not fully sure of everything going on or that it will stay this course.

His contact with me has escalated big time. Lots and lots of texts, IMs, phone calls. Coming over just to see me, hang out, watch tv.

He has cut off OW 2, 3 & 4. I suspect 1 as well, but not sure. The first night after he left the home again he saw ow4 briefly, and has done nothing with anyone since, that I can tell. He is ignoring OW4, and she has removed all of her FB posts that have anything to do with him and where she liked things on his page. He wouldn't have asked her to do this, because nothing mentioned or tagged him. It was all very obscure, and some of it from months ago. OW2 has been out of the picture for awhile, also ignored. OW3 came into town with the main reason to hook up with him, and he didn't. This has been planned for months. He blew her off and then at the very end when it seemed like he was going to hook up, he just apologized to her and told her he couldn't and he needed to get back to finding happiness in his life. What the what?

After his brief meeting with OW3 to end things, he came over super late, just to hug me, kiss me on the cheek, and tell me not to worry about him and that he is in a good place.

He has taken the kids to Church the last two weeks. I thought he would just go and sit in the hall or go to one of their classes, but he has actual gone to the adult meetings.

I do not get any feeling that he wants to reconnect with me, just that we are best friends. I get more of the sense that he is taking charge of his life and changing things that he is not happy about. I know he feels he has been stagnant, wasting his life for the past 6 months and he needs to take control of it. I have zero sense that this means anything more than getting his life back into a place he isn't so disgusted with himself and taking full ownership of himself. I feel like this may move more towards legal separation not reconciliation. Maybe I'm too much of a realist now.

[job]

How are you and the children doing? How is the little one?

I am glad to see some improvements in his situation. Hopefully he will continue to improve and come to realize that happiness comes from within and yes, he has a wonderful wife, three beautiful children and a good home. He needs to realize that home is where the heart is.

Keep your expectations at zero at all times and continue as you have been. You have been an inspiration to many here on the forum.

Stay the course, stay positive and continue to dig deeper for patience.

[reachingHigher]

Hi Raine!

This does sound positive, although like snodderly said, you have to maintain no expectations and it does sound like you are doing that.

It sounds like your H needs space, even if it comes to legal separation but he still wants to maintain contact with you, if not connection at this time.

I always felt like my H and I didn't have a chance until he worked on himself first. And I think that is true, but all woven through that process are the threads of being part of the fabric of the family. It just really can't be totally separated.

I do not get any feeling that he wants to reconnect with me, just that we are best friends. I get more of the sense that he is taking charge of his life and changing things that he is not happy about. I know he feels he has been stagnant, wasting his life for the past 6 months and he needs to take control of it. I have zero sense that this means anything more than getting his life back into a place he isn't so disgusted with himself and taking full ownership of himself. I feel like this may move more towards legal separation not reconciliation. Maybe I'm too much of a realist now.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ But do remember that you will be last. My H is "connecting" with me in a lot of ways but not "in love" really. I sense it could happen, we just have to stay the path and keep growing and loving.....and growing and loving...

Hugs,
rH

[Raine]

snodderly thanks so much. I read your posts to me and to others over and over. As much as we may know what we need to do, actually being able to do it is a very different matter. Having your voice for patience, don't get ahead of yourself, and focusing on what matters and what you can control has kept me from falling off onto a path of regrets.

The kids are doing really well. I'm spoiling the baby to bits, but I don't care. He is my last and I don't want to waste a moment. He looks just like H. I feel bad for H he is missing out on so much. H has stepped up his involvement with the kids, especially S8, taking him out an extra night. They clamor for his attention. S6 told me the other day he was sad daddy left again. He thought he would be here forever now we had the baby. H communication with the kids is crap, but I don't expect it to be very good. I feel the kids for the most part are very secure and happy. S2 probably had the hardest time adjusting, as H did everything for him and played with him for two weeks. I'm excited for nicer weather and being able to be outside more with them. As much as I am enjoying this time, I'm also looking forward to the time the boys are old enough I can just pick up and go. I think about taking the boys off roading and camping, even if I'm single.

I think these two weeks at home and leaving again must have had a pretty big impact on H. It's puzzling to me that he would drop all the OW. Gotta be very confusing for them. He blames it on being messed up in the head and just very busy with work and kids. I know he has an incredible amount of free time, so just excuses. I don't know if our few conversations impacted him. I do feel that he is closer to me now than he has been since BD. He does feel I'm forgiving. He hasn't given his landlord notice either, so me saying D if he moves into his own place may have changed that. I told him that would solidify that he just wants to be single.

rH I totally agree with you about there is no chance for me and H until he works on himself. I don't think he is capable of a R with anyone right now, and likely that is also a catalyst for dropping the OW. Im sure all of them wanted more than just a physical encounter 1-2 times a week, and were pushing things in that direction.

I have felt and from advice given here that I can't let H come home until he starts to work on himself on his own. He has dropped hints about it, more in the ways of "you don't want me to move back," and I've typically said things along the lines of I'm not going to compete with anyone or anything. I'm not a doormat so I can't bend on what I want. But he also knows I am here for him. He doesn't feel like he deserves that. He doesn't feel like he has the right to rely on me for anything.

He has done this before, dropped contact with OW1, but that was because I asked him to. I do think it's major he has done this on his own. He may cycle back to them, but likely less chance. I kind of feel he got what he wanted from it and he isn't getting much in terms of wanting to be with them as friends/people. At some point, even for a man, even for a man in crisis, there must be a longing for something more than just sex. And they can't compete with the person who he says knows him so fully and gets him. And he thinks he knows me and gets me better than I do him.

[Raine]

Here we go. I think we are back in the cycle again. A week and a half of him breaking things off with OW and now I'm pretty sure he is with someone again. I'm not sure of its ow1 or someone new. As snodderly says, I'm sure details will be revealed if I sit quiet and I'm patient. They always are. Positives in that he still wants to talk to me a lot. Negatives in he is back to lying and hiding.

I'm feeling more and more like it's just too much. Talked to MIL and she can't believe I haven't D him yet. She can't believe my patience. At this point, neither can I. And she has no idea about the affairs.

Wedding anniversary came and went. H called me multiple times for different reasons but never mentioned it. I started to cry when he hugged me the next day and he mentioned how well he slept, etc, like wanting me to know our Anni isn't a big deal to him. Once again showing he is in phase 1 of his cycle. He talked to me today about whether or not he thought someone was interested in him. Weirdo. He does know that separated means he is still married right? I feel like I'm cycling now too in the LBS stage. So angry.

I felt so much anger and pain Anniversary night. Pretty sure he was with someone that night, making himself feel better about the anniversary of all the promises we made to each other.

I just don't know if I could ever feel the same about him again. Do I even want to? I find myself praying and asking, have I done enough. Is it time to let go? I keep feeling like yes it is over but hold off on filing for a few reasons which have nothing to do with relationship or working things out. I wonder if part of it is wanting to hurt him. To be free to tell him what a selfish jerk he is.

So wackado H aside, things are going really well. I'm tired and not looking forward to going back to work. I do ask H for help and he always does and getting help from others too. Been getting out of the house with the boys to enjoy the nice weather. So looking forward to school being over with.

Some questions I've been thinking about:

Why do MLCers typically not file for D. Especially in my husbands case where he seems to suffer so much guilt for cheating?

When would you bring up the subject of MLC? What would you recommended for them to read if asked? I talked to my H about it before joining this board but i don't think he remembers it, because there were things in that convo he definitely doesn't remember.