Sizing up the task ahead!

[job]

Also, be sure to read M Go Blue's postings. He went through a mlc and came here when his first wife began her journey. One of his threads can be located at the top of this forum.

[mrtwopointfour]

Also, be sure to read M Go Blue's postings. He went through a mlc and came here when his first wife began her journey. One of his threads can be located at the top of this forum.

Thanks I will do that next. And certainly will take care of myself, thanks for your kind words.

I have just read your post on why they run. I mentioned in my last thread that my W witnessed her mother doing something that she thought was an attempt at suicide. She also claims that her mother and father argued a lot around that time. Is that the kind of thing you believe could cause them to want to run away later in life.

My W's father has been a drain on her since her mother died, and he is very controlling in his views on how my W should be as a wife and mother. He is quite old fashioned too, and i believe my W is rebelling to this because of the way he has made her life miserable over the last few years when she should have been grieving for herself.

[job]

Parental issues tend to suck especially when they are controlling. I'm sorry she's having to deal w/all of this now and also having to go back in time and relive that as well.

I do hope that all of the information that you are reading is helping you to better understand where she's at. Being a spouse of someone going through mlc is not easy.

Be kind to yourself and be sure to do some fun things to help take your mind off the situation for a little bit.

[mrtwopointfour]

Hello All,

I am in a strange place at the moment - not all bad - just feel like i lack direction.

One minute i am stressing about W and her possible trip to meet OM over the next few weeks, how I compare to him, what she sees in him thats not in me, will she be with him and realise that she has been living with second best for 15 years. Then I worry about the kids - how will their lives be after this, then I obsess about how much I still find W attractive and how i don't want to loose her, and how things got to this point. Will I be alone for ever now. Will I find another person as attractive as my W again. These feelings have always been there, but are slowly become less consuming in my mind. They just pop up like an ugly thoughts now and again and surprise me, and when they do they knock me off my feet for a short time.

Then I think about moving on, getting a life of my own, how I don't care about W with OM because no matter how much the thought of it makes me feel sick to the stomach and hurts - there is nothing I can do to stop this, how exciting this is for me, who will I meet in the future that loves me more that W does, what great things I can do for myself.

But with all of the above floating around in my head I worry that the DBing has take a back seat. Maybe its because I am naturally doing some of the things I put so much effort into within the first few months. For instance my 180's are second nature now in most cases, well i hope they are and I have not slipped back into old ways.

At the moment I've stopped reading so many books (well never seem to find time to do this), and feel like where before I was spending every minute reading and obsessing about how to work on myself and how to turn things around I am now carrying on with life as normal. This is the part that concerns me most. Am I giving up on this and burying my head in the sand, just hoping it will all go away - or am I slowly moving on?

I feel like I am not putting 100% of my time into this and therefore I am letting my guard down. But surely I can't carry on like before for months on end as it would exhaust me.

My summary of where my sitch is at the moment in my own mind.

• I assume W is still talking and planning to meet OM / meet OM again, and this is the reason for her need to move on.
• W is still moving out / wanting divorce / time is running out for her so she must get a new life quickly.
• W is in crisis, everything about her shouts MLC. Where she is in this - who knows. But she seems to be getting worse. She has moments of panic, and reality checks but not yet enough of this, or at least it does not show.
• W is starting to say sorry more often for things. But at the same time, is being more critical and matter of fact.
• W believes I am happy with this now, and we can talk about things as if we both agree this is for the best.
• W still finds reason to be irritated by me, and also gets annoyed because I won't discuss things. Fact is she disappears into her room after eating every night - so its not really me thats is not giving us any time!!

So enough about W - more about me.

• I am GAL - have plans to meet new people soon, am talking to friends again.
• I am enjoying the kids - don't see them as a chore and nicer to them (W thinks now I am too soft!!!)
• I am upbeat and have a good PMA. Especially at work - they must think I am on drugs!
• I am still stressing about the past and whether W believes I am sorry and acknowledge my mistakes. I have told her once so will not do this again.
• I still very much want to save this M even if W may now think I have given up due to my PMA and GALs.
• I am still scared and worried about the future. But am trying not to think about this right now.
• I feel like i need a clone of myself. One to work on M and read about MLC, sort out legal issues, finance etc. And the other to get out and GAL and enjoy life.
• I still need to find my sense of humour around W.
• I still need to define my goals better and stick to them.

So all in all, apart from me changing and being more upbeat nothing has really changed over the 3 months. Not that it should have. But I am needing to draw a line and start new approaches.

One thing I do need to do is become more assertive and learn how to stand up to W without getting into an argument. I am still walking on egg shells, and don't enjoy this. I think my W would really be taken back if I became good at standing up for myself and having purpose behind what i am saying. W is so good at arguing though - she can pick out single words from what I say and turn them into something much bigger and failure on my part. Is there anything i can read or work on to become better at this. I just want to become better at standing up for myself and getting my point across in way that does not give W reason to tear it apart as a weak argument.

Wow - I waffled - sorry . Just needed to release some thoughts!!!

[Mtnman]

2.4, sounds like your normal. I know I could've written most of what you did. Even though I'm dealing with things better, I still have those same thoughts and fears.

[willbwell]

ditto here...especially the clone part! Not enough hrs in the day! Told my IC I spend so much time reading, thinking, focusing on this. I want to take a week off and not worry about it!
So, trying to do the detaching thing. I am not ok with where H and I are- absolutely not. I do GAL and I think do all the right things given the sit. But I am going to pick a day, say Sunday and not put any focus on H and just breath and be happy about me.

[mrtwopointfour]

Mtnman - its interesting that you W has begun going through this following death of your FIL. Is she grieving at the same time? My W has not had the chance to grieve following my MIL's death 4 year ago, and wonder when she will have chance to do this - I almost want to take the kids away for a week to see if this can kickstart it a little. Naive i know, but anything is worth a try.

[mrtwopointfour]

I had a thought earlier regarding 'More Of The Same'.

I realise that for the last few years I have been tip toeing around my W. Mainly because she has been a little snappy and picky - but I have to confess, also because after children her sex drive dropped off (which I know is normal, and not surprising), and mine still remained quite high. The less we ML the more desperate I became.

So how did i handle this. Well, it got the point where i would do anything to impress W for a chance make her want to ML, and I would walk on egg shells around her to ensure she was happy and not drawn into arguments, especially close to bed time. I would try and cheer her up rather than talk about issues so that she was not down. I would also try to suggest early nights every night, which I know drove my W mad. All because of my needs

Looking back - this was pathetic behavior - i know this now and its one of my biggest regrets. What would turn a women off more than a H that becomes a doormat, over does everything with expectations, walks on eggshells to avoid confrontation, makes all affection have an expectation, and acts needy in the bedroom department!

Thinking about recent months. I have not been doing this because there is not chance of ML, and its the last thing i am worried about now. Not having general love and affection from W is more a need for me right now.

However, I am still walking on egg shells, not being assertive, not trying to upset W, and doing anything i can for her. Because DBing requires us to avoid disagreeing with W, and not getting into arguments.

However is this seen more of the same behavior by my W????

What do I do about this?

[job]

Your wife may have been getting ready to go into full blown mlc. Generally a year or more pre-crisis, they begin to withdraw, become snippy/picky and yes, the sex drive can be reduced. It's because they are feeling that something is different within themselves and they don't know why they are feeling doubtful, curious and yes, depressed.

Please keep in mind that dbing is for YOU. It is a tool to help you manage and try to find a way in which to deal w/the situation. It is also a tool that can be used in your day-to-day life to help you communicate and manage your life in a diffeent way. If you feel that you don't agree w/your wife about something such as the children and/or finances, then step up to the plate and discuss it w/her, but do it in a calm and collective manner. Leave the emotions out of it.

Well, my friend, you are going to have to dig for more patience because you may not get that "love and affection" that you so need right now from her. She doesn't feel the same way about you and the marriage right now and it may take a long time before those feelings return. You can't force her to change, you can't control her or the outcome of her crisis. You can't push or you'll see her run the other way faster than a speeding bullet.

Stop doing things for her. She needs to face the consequences of her actions. Do things for you and your children. Leave her be and live your life as if she were a roommate for now. Learn to do things on your own and w/your children. When your wife begins to sense that you are happy and living your life, she just may become curious enough to ask questions and want to partiicipate in some family events.

Sit quietly, the answers will come. Be patient and when you can't be, walk away or come here to vent. This is not a sprint, but a marathon and it will not end any time soon. This is a long journey for both of you.

[mrtwopointfour]

Thanks Snodderly, I will take all that on board as its something i need to keep reminding myself. As you can see from my first post of the day I am feeling a little lost at the moment. Especially on days like today, when I have conversations with my W and its like we are still in a happy M, and getting on with life as a loving couple!

One more thing to add to the above, in regards to pickyness etc.

My W always points something out even its if its more effort to point it out than doing the job would be. For instance, 'you forgot to put the coffee back in the fridge!' mainly said in a tone of voice that is a little irritated by this, and a hint towards you are useless. However, if my W had forgotten to put the coffee away, I would just put it away and be done with it.

Would a 180 be for me to start letting her know of these things, so she does not think she is 100% perfect, and I am the one that makes human errors. Or, do i assume that two wrongs don't make a right?