two wrongs don't make a right. She's trying to control everything and it's because there is no order or control in her own life, i.e., her brain is running thousands of miles a minute. In other words, she's trying to create order from the chaos in her mind.
Sometimes, they do and say things to bait you into an argument. Dont' take the bait. Just let the comments go, in other words choose your battles. There will be times when you will need to call her on her behavior and you'll know when those times are...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
2.4, I don't have any wisdom other than I really admire how you have approached this and you are human my brother, you will make mistakes. You have been super-helpful to me and it looks like you are handling things well.
My only advice is that I went to a counselor first by myself and thought it was very helpful. Then W went by herself and said the same. Whether your W does or does not go, I would suggest you consider going.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
2.4, I don't have any wisdom other than I really admire how you have approached this and you are human my brother, you will make mistakes. You have been super-helpful to me and it looks like you are handling things well.
My only advice is that I went to a counselor first by myself and thought it was very helpful. Then W went by herself and said the same. Whether your W does or does not go, I would suggest you consider going.
CB
Thanks CB - But not sure my approach is one to be admired yet. I am lost a little in my own sitch at the moment, and feel like I talk a good DB game on paper, but have trouble making it work in real life, and also still not sure I understand what my goals, changes, 180 etc should really be and whether they are the right ones. I also believe I know what i did wrong in my M, but often think I am missing one important thing that my W is waiting for me to suddenly realise and apologise for - I know this is wishful and pointless thinking, but just being honest!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Hyper focus on the M, or MLC, or even excessive posting and reading on this board will burn you out. Ask me how I know! Sometimes the best thing to do is back off from all the reading, studying and posting. There are no magic answers out there so you can relax a bit. You already know what you need to do for right now. Time apply it and get comfortable with your new life/reality.
Doormat behavior and walking on eggshells is very unattractive. Possible OM certainly is not doing any of this. Don't be afraid to do or say what you feel, in a calm manner. Having said that, also know when to choose your battles. Sometimes it is best to let something go. Tining is everything.
My wife and I almost never argue. I was always a peace keeper at all costs. It didn't prevent us from falling out of love with me. I have learned that constructive arguments are a good thing. It's how partners work out differences and get their needs met.
Standing up for myself has not sent her packing, and seems to garner some respect. Move forward slowly, monitor results.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Agh! I messed up! For the first time in months W was talking to me and I was not listening and she picked me up on it. And gave me the talk as if to say nothing changes. I am so frustrated. I feel like I have lost any progress made - told you I was slacking on the db'ing.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Anybody got a suggestion as what is best to so. W is no longer annoyed with me but i feel like I need to say sorry again and tell her I realised I was being rude.
It is it best to leave it - move on - and just try harder going forward?
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Anybody got a suggestion as what is best to so. W is no longer annoyed with me but i feel like I need to say sorry again and tell her I realised I was being rude.
It is it best to leave it - move on - and just try harder going forward?
I know you may not get this until tomorrow, lol, but it sounds to me like at this point letting this one go would be best.
It helps if you remember that no one incident is going to make or break the marriage. You're in this for the long haul, so don't worry about not being perfect 100% of the time.
No eggshell walking, OK?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Yeah I think you are right cadet it won't change anything. And certainly not going to change her opinion of me right now. If I bring it up now it will just remind her again of my slip up. And it will also make her question why it's so important to me, which will drag me into the conversation of improving myself - which to be honest I am not sure i fancy going through right now.
Like everybody keeps telling me. Actions not words . Guess I just need to get those actions more consistent.
And lets face it at the end of the day it was one slip up in 3 months. This used to happen daily before BD. so I know personally that I have improved.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
