WAS and I had a counselling session last week, we talked about the baseline that would need to be in place for her to stay. She said that it would need to be a guarantee that I would not ask her to leave or force a sale of the house. I committed to do that.
I knew she was considering signing a lease and that it need to be signed last Friday, I did not raise the subject so as not to make it feel I was placing pressure. Nothing has been said and today she said she has signed and she felt I had not cared because I did not raise it.
She is very upset by my actions, such as calling the car my car, as it is in my name and I pay the HP instalments. Yet there is no guilt about her having an affair or walking away without even trying. It feels like it is my fault.
I told her I was very sad that she had decided to leave, that I had committed that I would not force her out however I wanted her to be happy. I told her I was concerned about the children, which she interpreted as a guilt trip on her.
I think now I need to go into LRT and step back, GAL and withhold all emotions.. When she goes I want to make it a clean break, no coming back into the house but also at the moment there is a door should she want to come back and try R in the future.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
Considering this new post above and DB coach's suggestions, how do you think LRT will look like, for you? And what kind of GAL activities are you planning?
WAS thinks I am angry and am projecting negative emotions onto her. She also does not realise how much I do with children. TBH I think whatever I had done last week, if I had asked her about lease it would not of changed her actions and I still would have done something wrong.
She does not believe her feelings towards me can change. So LRT needs to be a tactical step back emotionally, not cold just withdraw emotional support, I find this difficult without seeming to be playing games. She says that not communicating is part of the problem between us, at present this just gets twisted and interpreted as pressure and examining the relationship, going over old ground.
LRT needs to be showing her I am not angry or arrogant. I need to let her bringing up any issues like the car go. I need to journal what works, at the moment she only opens up emotionally when she is upset and I can see she is very angry because she thinks I control the situation. She is right but misunderstands why I have. WAS dislikes weakness and I took control because I knew otherwise she would walkover me, she has admitted this.
I need to focus on my positive affirmations, work and exercise.
GAL I am doing a cycle challenge for charity, 30 rides in 30 days so focus on my training, give up drinking and concentrate on Paleo diet too lose xtra pounds.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
What my DB coach said is that you need to be able to change and react to the circumstance and situation. It is normal to have some close time then coldness. What she was saying was to take this for the moment without reading into it too much and without taking it personally. It is important to adjust reactions to the mood and WAS reaction.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
Oh, OK, that makes sense. I thought they were saying something like be warmer to the WAS when you're around them and colder to them when you're not (IE, in texting and email). But it sounds like they're talking more about the WAS running hot/ cold and not to react too strongly to it. Accuray posted the below about that tendency a while back:
Quote:
Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.
It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier.
I feel I let myself down yesterday. Last week C asked WAS what the baseline would be for her too stay in house. WAS said it would be an assurance that I would not change my mind. I gave this, I knew she had to make a decision on the lease last Friday for a property and I had a session with DB Coach Thursday evening followed by a work engagement. I did not bring the lease up again with WAS as this would add pressure to her decision.
I waited till yesterday to ask as it had not been mentioned and WAS said had signed, that I had not made myself available and it showed I did not care and confirmed her dicision to move. She was from her body language quite angry but not able or willing to express this. I am sure if I had of approached the subject on Thursday she would have said I was hounding her. I had discussed this with DBG coach so I said I was sad she had decided to leave and that I understood and wanted her to be happy.
WAS has agreed we should share the children equally and we have agreed a price that I buy her out of the house, last week I asked her to communicate this to her lawyer, she says there is no hurry to formalise it because we agree. This is either because she might change her mind on shared residence or she does not want to make the final cut. She has taken a year lease. My lawyer says I should formalise the arrangements top protect myself and my bank has given me approval for finance which expires in a month.
To protect myself I think I have to proceed with buying her interest in the house and formalising equal care arrangements now. I think I need to go dark when she leaves, yet make it clear that I remain open to trying to work things out should she wish to. I am worried about communicating this without appearing like I am pleading or weak, as I know she hates this.
I need to show I am detached and do this in a way that is not emotional. Any advice?
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
Came home tonight and Did not enter into conversation with WAS. I was polite but did not profer any conversation, just focused on the children. She asked what was wrong and why I was not speaking to her. I just let the conversation fall flat without being rude, she said we should still try and have civil conversations and then left the room and went to bed. I resisted the urge to follow.
She will see NC as being rude, and try to bait me that we need to maintain a relationship going forward for the children. I don't want to get I an argument or act unnaturally, I guess I need to learn to e pleasant without saying too much.
Me 44 WAS 41 T 11 S 8 D 5 DB November 2012 EA and PA discovered December 2012 WAS moved out 4 May 2013 Share residence of S and D 50/50 WAS moves in with OM 1 September 2013.
