Well, I've had two much better days. I haven't blown up at anyone lately, that's progress lol. Last night I took D15 to The Wizard of Oz (1939)at the theater. It was a nice evening...considering she was grounded and either went out with me or sat and stared at the walls at home! As far as me and SDA Lady, my brain is still cooking, trying to understand what happened. Of course, if I figure it out it will never happen again...yeah, right. One minute I'll think "OMG, what possessed me to ever think that this was the perfect relationship!" and later on "Maybe if I'd tried a little harder with her...." and then "maybe I'm just relationship phobic" and finally "I wanted a partner not another child to look after". Ah yes, I've got it all figured out lol.
Maybe it was just wanting someone to give you the same consideration that you gave them. People are different which makes life interesting. Will this wonderful gal always act the right way? Well, no! but neither will you.
Have you thought about your love language? Are you speaking your love language to your partner or are you speaking theirs? Next relationship, try not to try and find someone to rescue but someone that you can be a partner with.
Now lets go get some ice cream!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
"Next relationship try not to try & find someone to rescue but someone that you that you can be a partner with."
This is it. Wii - you are a really nice guy. But you try too hard and then you burn yourself out. How 'bout giving yourself a break & taking care of you too
yes, I am a nice guy and I'm proud of that. If someone I care for needs something and I can help them, I will. But she just went from one difficult situation to the next and each choice she made seemed to make her more dependent on me. For example, she had two job offers in different parts of the city, she asked me which I thought was best and I told her that the one opportunity was in an area she knew, close to her friends, near her church, near her doctor and dentist, she knew the transportation system...and there was only one kid to care for. I said it would make her less reliant on me for things. She chose the other job, with two kids and just outside the city limits where transportation is not as regular. She liked the family better. OK. And within a couple of weeks she's complaining and saying "I'm giving this a few more weeks and then I'm looking for a new job" ...not with me you're not! I wasn't going through any more of that job search crap. Enough. It was just stressful situation after situation. I realized that this was not just situational this was going to be ongoing. How do you develop a real relationship where both parties can focus on meeting each others needs. You can't. It's crisis mode all the time. In some ways she was fantastic. I've never been with someone who was as attentive, able to say how she felt about me, encourage me, and be grateful. If I had a problem she'd listen and check in with me to see how I was. She stroked me and I was like a friggin' peacock spreading his feathers. I'd do anything for her! Yet she was also super dependent and controlling, not in an evil way but she manipulated to get what she wanted regardless of what I'd said about it. She'd just find another method. Lots to ponder but yes, I want a woman who I can be a partner with and not a caregiver to. Someone who can ask for her own friggin' TTC transit maps lol!
Lastly, excuse the length, I did try and take care of me. I joined a church small group which had a number of people I really liked in it. It was a chance for me to do something for me! It was on Friday nights which was the night she got off work. So, I`d drop D15 at gymnastics, pick up SDA Lady from work and we`d come back to my place, make dinner and I`d leave for my group at 7:30pm. Each night she`d make a remark like ``oh, you should stay home`, it`s slippery out tonight.`Which made me feel guilty...I`d still go though. Finally, I sat her down and told her that I really needed her to support me in this. I`d been asking her to come to meet my friends but she always had an excuse, too tired, have to prepare for weekend job, ...maybe in the summer. Next week, the comments continued only now she`d slap her face and say `bad girl SDA lady`This really floored me. I needed her to be there for me and support me in developing these friendships and what I got was basically `what about me``It helped me realize that this was not what I wanted and not who I thought I was involved with. It hurt.
But Wii - lets not forget how you DID so much for her when you first met. You insisted on it. Some of us warned you not to overdo it. She was not asking for help then. But she LEARNED to become dependent on you. Maybe she even "tested" your commitment to her by seeing what she could get you to do.
There is a difference between being a nice guy & doing too much to get her to like you. Maybe you need to look at becoming too familiar too fast. Let the relationship develop. Don't stop doing nice things but when you're first dating - you don't need to be involved in resumes and driving to I tear views, jobs etc - that gets old really fast.
When you first start dating - date. Go out.have fun. Learn what you like or don't like about someone. But avoid getting too entwined too early on.
You want to learn something from this - that's what I saw from my viewpoint.
Question regarding the Fri nights. Why did you pick her up, bring her over, then go out to your church group. I would feel abandoned. You can't force her to join your group. But if that was your "date night" you needed to be with her. Far better to plan another night to be with her. You both had different expectations for Friday nights. I can see why that wasn't working for you,
Thanks Barb. Much of what you've written is true. I have to look at how I encouraged this...absolutely. I've told her that I'm far from guiltless. As far as Friday nights, that wasn't our "date night". I picked her up Friday nights because she had to go to another job Saturday mornings (she worked Sat and Sun around the clock caregiving and elderly lady). I would drive her and it was easier to leave from my place in the morning. Anyway, I'd started the group when she was working Friday nights at Walmart. After she'd left I asked her to join us once in awhile so we could make couple friends, she wouldn't do it. It's kind of complicated...but we would spend Sunday night and Monday night together. It just became everything was the way she needed it to be to fit her life and this was one thing I was doing for me and wanted her support. I supported her in everything she did and was kind of stunned when she was resisting the one thing I needed. Anyway, I certainly will learn from this and hopefully do better next time!
I visited the therapist this afternoon and had a good session. I updated her on what has been happening. I told her that I realize I was doing too much but just couldn't fathom what I wouldn't have done. I can't imagine a good bf telling her to get to her own job interviews, or take that bus at night to work, or not helping her with a resume etc. So, what could I have done differently. I felt stumped. First, she said that a major part of this situation was the situation. Here were two people trying to build a relationship while one was going through a difficult life transition and our decisions were often driven by our anxieties not what was best for the relationship. She said in any such situation it would be difficult for a new relationship to succeed. No argument there! She also mentioned that I was maybe enabling her poor decisions by being willing to do things. For example, if I'd been clear that I was not going to be driving her to work each evening before she accepted the position she may have made better choices. She'd may have picked employment in more accessible areas. She was choosing jobs based on her anxiety about being unemployed, not what was the best position for her and I was enabling that. Good point. She also mentioned that when I discussed things with her I was treating her like a client, I was leaving out how her decisions would effect me. I would bring up how a choice would be of benefit or not to her but I would never say, for example, the one out in the boonies would create more dependence for driving etc. and I was getting tired of the chauffeur position! Many times in retrospect I did this. For example, when she went robo-Nanny on me I'd say "I prefer you not to clean my place because it's your day off and you need rest, you do this all week at work" I didn't mention that it makes me uncomfortable when you start cleaning and re-arranging my stuff. When I'd visit her in the evening and she'd whip out her laptop to do job searches with me, I'd say "Hey, why don't you put that away, you've been doing it all day. You need a break" and she'd reply "I need a job". I could have said "Hey, I came here to spend some quality time with you, not to do job searches tonight"I left out my needs. Good observations. Lastly, she said I could use this as an opportunity to plan for the next relationship. To think about what things I wanted in the next woman, for example, someone who has a car or is comfortable using public transit, someone who's life is relatively stable, someone who is independent... So, I got some good stuff today. Lot's to ponder and plan for the future with.
Ok well shoot me for a different opinion but I think she chose to rely on you for her own benefit and I think you figured out what was going on. How does this resonate? Sorry if it seems cold but I have been following along for the entire story. Wonder
