DBing, European style

[BRNR]

My advice...but I am a newbie too, so take it for what it is worth....

detaching and letting go

starting a new life on my own.

You said it. I think it is the only way through...

[jp787]

This last jaunt on the emotional tilt-a-whirl has really been an eye-opener. It may be too late now for any hope of reconciling, but I really, REALLY need to work on detaching and letting go. I have to figure out how to stand on my own two feet, especially if I wind up starting a new life on my own.

Any advice?

Don't give up or quit until that is what you want.
Detach and work on yourself for sure!

[Papa4Life]

To detach, do you just need to accustom yourself to not feeling what your spouse feels? Or are there more active steps?

[AnotherStander]

To detach, do you just need to accustom yourself to not feeling what your spouse feels? Or are there more active steps?

Peanut's description of detachment may help:

"Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.

We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

I really like the part about meeting anger or indifference with love. That really sums it up. A lot of people think detachment is growing cold and distant, that's not it at all. It's taking control of our own destiny and detaching from our spouse's emotional roller coaster. Some say to treat your spouse like you would a friendly neighbor. If your neighbor was mad, sad, depressed you might try to cheer them up or give them a shoulder to lean on, but it probably wouldn't make you mad, sad, depressed. You'd be their support, but you wouldn't let their negative state affect your PMA. In fact it's your PMA that helps bring them out of their funk. You should strive to be like this with your W too. Make sense?

[Papa4Life]

Fantasic, Stander. Just what I was looking for.
To help reinforce this, does anyone have some concrete examples or your own experiences with successfully detaching?

p.s. Have you got the Harley ready for some spring/summer cruising?

[SemperFi00]

I really like the part about meeting anger or indifference with love. That really sums it up. A lot of people think detachment is growing cold and distant, that's not it at all. It's taking control of our own destiny and detaching from our spouse's emotional roller coaster. Some say to treat your spouse like you would a friendly neighbor. If your neighbor was mad, sad, depressed you might try to cheer them up or give them a shoulder to lean on, but it probably wouldn't make you mad, sad, depressed. You'd be their support, but you wouldn't let their negative state affect your PMA. In fact it's your PMA that helps bring them out of their funk. You should strive to be like this with your W too. Make sense?

I like this additional insight/perspective! Thanks AS

[Papa4Life]

AnotherStander has posted that, despite all his DBing efforts, his W has informed him that she's ready to move forward with D. So sad for him. He's really given me strength and inspiration with his words and deeds. I hopethings can still turn around for him. Just as I hope that I can use the tools he's helped teach me to reverse my sitch.

[Papa4Life]

I've been working on detaching. Went out with a friend last night. We always seem to end up going to bars, and I'd much prefer to actually DO something instead of just try to drown my sorrows. Besides, as the saying goes, my sorrows have learned to swim. I'm sure there are activities out there, but it's tough since I'm unfamiliar with how to go about finding them.

W told me this morning that she has scheduled an appointment with a mediator. This essentially means that my worst fears are confirmed and a D is inevitable. I'm really going to have to get busy figuring out everything that I'm going to need to survive on my own in this foreign country, with few friends and no family nearby to lean on. I have been praying for some miracle to happen to change W's mind about things, and I really tried to do my best to make W's life easier by helping out more with kids and bousehold chores. But Sandi was right: those things aren't enough and I just set myself up for a big disappointment. I know that there was other work that I needed to focus on, and ironically I now must focus on those issues even harder to survive here and to be a father to my children, who as I've said are the apple, the tree, the orchard of my eye.

Pfft, it's sad, because W and I had issues right from the start, but we always just kept our heads down and worked to build a life together, and we just kept drifting apart while we were busy making other plans.

In my heart I never truly believed the DB could work, because once W decides on a course of action and makes up her mind, nothing and no one can change it. I'd like to think I've grown through all of this, but the truth is I haven't and I'm scared for the future and my R with my kids. Perhaps this will be the wake up call I need to finally goad me into action.

[BRNR]

In my heart I never truly believed the DB could work, because once W decides on a course of action and makes up her mind, nothing and no one can change it. I

P4P-I can totally understand this. I as well feel this way. When my H was well, my true H, his decisions about things were very firm. He was one of those " once I make a decision, I never go back". That is with everything. So I find myself often thinking about that, knowing the type of person he was, and if he will be one of those that even after coming out of the tunnel will just say well, I already made my decision, and there is no going back.

So,with that said, don't be scared of your future, just go out there and make it what you want. within the circumstances. I am taking my own advice on this one...hoping I see more light soon that guides me towards my path.

[Papa4Life]

Talked to the family back home again tonight. It's so wonderful to have people to talk to who just love you unconditionally. My mom ordered me to come back to the States for a visit and for tea and sympathy. I'm gonna do it. I can't WAIT to have that circle around me again for a few weeks. The batteries are really empty, and I could really use some friends and family to recharge and get my feet back under me for the rough road ahead.

May you all find light at the end of the long, dark, lonely tunnel.