Crazy little thing called MLC

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Raine,

I so get where you are coming from. The longing to be out of limbo. The being tired of all the immaturity, deceit, selfishness. All the thoughts of being a single mom, and also what it would be like to be in a R with someone else. I want my kids to have both parents too.

This is so hard sometimes, I don't know what hurts more, my heart or my head

But, I still have that hope that things may eventually work out, that it is possible we could have a better M than ever.

Sometimes hope is all we got

Hope you and baby boy and your crew are doing well

[AJM]

Raine, GG said a lot of true things. You may want to re-read that when you have the chance.

In so many ways I get the feeling to run away. I find myself looking at jobs out of state. I want to D and run away from it all and not have to see him or deal with him. I fight that with wanting my kids to have a good relationship with their dad. I want my kids to have both parents. I think about being remarried and blending families and the work involved with that and how that would be so hard on the kids. I think about how hard it is to be a single mom. It makes me hold on that maybe H will come around at some point and we can fix things and our M can be better than it was before.

It's emotion vs logic. Logically I'm not going anywhere. Even if I was divorced, nothing would change. I wouldn't be dating or anything. I just think I wouldn't be hurt by him being with OW. (I probably still would be, and likely even more so because he wouldnt need to hide it anymore.) But that pain seems worth it if things can work out in the end.

I get it. I was there at one point. It wasn't what I asked for and I did want to run away. I get that. I can tell you that feeling fades away in time. Face it and don't let it beat you. You have the right idea about staying put. You aren't the broken one and you didn't break him. You have no reason to run away and many to stand your ground.
As for the OW and all that? You deserve to be angry about that. But face the issues as they come up. Don't borrow trouble right? Things will likely change as time goes on. He has a lot to work through and it will show more as time progresses.

Hang in there. It's a lot to process. Don't try to process it all at once. Make a concerted effort not to if you can. It'll work out whether you worry about it or not

Peace,
AJ

[reachingHigher]

All joking aside (I did not joke with him) I took his feelings very seriously. I feel horrible about it, that I was too busy to meet his needs. I apologized to him and told him there are things that I did that I'm not happy about, things I've changed about myself. I know I was resentful of him. I take full responsibility for my faults and where I could have been a much better wife.

Raine, that's all you can do. You took responsibility and apologized, changed, and are hopeful for the future.

I agree with GG, there are so many more complex reasons than you, as to why this happened. Sometimes I think our spouses are so perplexed about it too, that they just look for some small things about us, to make sense of what they are doing. They don't even know.

I missed a lot of opportunities to attend to my H's needs also when the boys were little. It's just almost unavoidable at times. I'm ashamed at the way I was at times...but oh well! My H relied mostly on the "we've grown apart. We don't have any common interests. I never really loved you." type themes. But there were plenty of things he grew to dislike greatly about me before he moved out: how I folded his jeans, the fact I didn't consider wearing things like blue fingernail or toenail polish, he found me so boring, etc. etc. etc.

I'm still astounded at the depth of his journey away from me. We are reconnecting now, Raine. I'm so scared still it's not going to work out, but everything looks really good so far. Who would've thought it could happen?

I explored the same fears as you and same desires to run away. Far away. I had quite a bit of depression myself also, as replay continued. It's so tough.

When is your maternity leave up? Are you holding up physically?

You are such a special lady!

I went to a church function with S13 a couple of weeks ago and next to us in the row was a family with four young boys (oldest appeared to be 8 or so) and she was fully pregnant! I thought of you! I sure wish I could meet you!

You've made an impression on all of us here with your honesty, your deep love, your hope, your steadfastness, your integrity.

I hope you have a good weekend.

rH

[AJM]

Sometimes I think our spouses are so perplexed about it too, that they just look for some small things about us, to make sense of what they are doing. They don't even know.

Exactly. I can only imagine what it must be like to be in that position. To know something isn't "right" and not be able to figure it out. I watched my ex go through that for a long time. Always searching. Eventually she gave up looking and decided to look for a reason to leave. A reason it must be me that was causing it. I suspect she is still trying to figure it out. I've out of the picture for so long now. The sad part is that she will have to find something or somebody else to pour the anger onto without me there. I worry for my kids, but I suspect that it will likely be the OM before long. That's just how it works until they either run out of places/people to blame else look at the real problem. And lets face it. If they could have faced it before, we would not be having this conversation, would we

You're a very strong woman! Be strong and enjoy the time with your kids. They are only that age once and they are worth your time

Peace,
AJ

[Raine]

Hey GG! I hope you're doing well. How are things going with you? Is everything finalized now?

I miss the affection too. He was upset by me missing the affection because it took this for me to appreciate it. Kind of ironic, because why would I miss something I already had, almost like he felt that the pushing him away was the majority of the time, not a fraction of the time, or that he can't remember how much I initiated things. I asked him if he could even remember all the times I was super affectionate, and he said yes, and that he can even focus on the good times, but it wasn't enough. I said to him, "Well if it wasn't that, it would have been something else." That's what I feel like. If I had been perfect in that area, it would have just been another area he would have focused on for justifying his reasons to leave. I do feel like now he puts the majority of the blame on himself and not being good enough for me, and that we're better off without him.

Big hugs back to you too! I hope that you are in or getting to a really good place. Last we talked you were dating some and getting out. I hope your S & D are doing well in the transition too.

[Raine]

T, I so get what you mean. I've been in this crazy place for such a short time compared to so many others. It still feels like a dream to me. Nine months since my world went upside down, and in someways, it feels like it has gone by super fast, but at the same time, it feels like a complete life-time ago that it was BD, or that I was taking the kids trick or treating by myself, because the night before I found out about OW1 and he moved out. I feel like I'm living someone else's life. The main reasons I married H, that he would never hurt me, that he would always fight for me, those are gone right now, and makes me feel like the entire marriage was a lie.

The little man is doing so great! It seems like he has always been here and apart of our lives. The other boys just adore him and we're getting into a good rhythm.

[Raine]

AJ, I like what you said, "You have no reason to run away and many to stand your ground." I'm going to think of that every time I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't need to deal with it. It can sit on the back burner. I just need to stop thinking about it. As frustrated as I am about things in their current state, they are so much better than it was at BD or even at separation. He is way more involved with the kids and making a schedule to be with them. He is doing things for me around the house without even being asked, and I'm always sure to notice and thank him for it. He talks to me a lot, like I'm his best friend, well, because I am his best friend. I just need to get back to going with the flow and zero expectations and letting him bake.

He does understand that things are not right with him, but right now he is also resigned to feel powerless to fix anything, so don't bother trying. It's like he is accepting that this is where he is, he has caused it, and there is no way back, so just live with the fact that you're going to be depressed and miserable.

The kids are number one priority, always. I'm amazed at how well they are doing, even adjusting back to him being gone again.

That's hard to think that even now in your sitch your ex is still so angry. I guess that's one thing that is good for me right now is that H and I get along well enough that we can still do family things for the kids. Even if we do get D, it wouldn't be awkward to have him at family functions or sit together at ball games.

[Raine]

rH, has your H brought up things from how he was feeling at BD with you, like that he doesn't feel that way anymore or that he feels they were just reasons for a much bigger issue? It's funny when I read your list, and also knowing my own list from H, it's just crazy that they even bring those things up. "I'm leaving you because you don't wear blue polish." It's things like that which landed me here on this board. Absolutely nothing made sense to me. It was all just so crazy and out of left field. People don't get D for these reasons. It was also so weird to me that he never mentioned anything before. It just all came at once, along with no second chance or desire to work on anything.

I do know that any future relationship I have, I'm not taking anything for granted. I just don't see how anyone could go through what we are going through, and not come out of it a much humbler, caring, and appreciative person. I would appreciate and reciprocate any affection, because I now know what it's like to have that taken away. I am so happy that your H has and is still waking up and seeing the light. And that light is you!

The first few after BD were pretty bad for me with depression. I was feeling suicidal in the beginning. I was so angry at him too. It was this massive cycle of denial, anger and depression. I'm glad I am through that.

I am holding up really well! It's harder now that I'm on my own, trying to get enough sleep and deal with schedules. I'm glad I still have another months of maternity leave. I'm still trying to take things easy and not over do it, which is hard to do sometimes.

That is so funny you saw that lady with the four boys. I hope she is having a girl! I am done for sure, but really wanted one girl. We do have a really good dynamic going. I am glad that S2 is going to have a brother close to his age, where I think a sister would just terrorize him and throw us all off our game.

I admire you so much and all you've been through and how strong you've been. I would love to meet you one day. How nice it would be to be close to those who are going through or have gone through the same situation. I could only imagine the damage we could do, especially when it comes to OW.


Oh that reminds me I was going to mention this: OW3 is in town, and H was complaining to me about her, kind of how she was acting to him at work and some other things. Funny. I'm sure he'll still go out and play with her, but my sense is he feels obligated to it, because I don't get the feeling he likes her, more kind of annoyed by her. WEIRD! And to make it even more weird, he gave me a gift for the baby...from her! And I just had to act surprised and say thanks and to tell her thanks. Reminds me of TWS' OW, except H didn't hide who it was from.

[kml]

And I just had to act surprised and say thanks and to tell her thanks.

Ummm.....no.....you could have said "sorry, I don't accept gifts from skanky hobags"

[Raine]

Lol yeah I was thinking that but that would kind of let him know that I know and I'm not ready to detonate that one.