Still treading water #4

[Grizz]

Thanks FY. I had actually never thought of the pursuit explanation as you stated it.

"The No Pursuing rule is there because the common tendency of most LBS's, (especially early on) is to over pursue, which drives their partner away. It doesn't mean we can't ever reach out and attempt to connect, (with sex or otherwise) but some seem to interpret it that way."

That makes so much sense to me now. I definitely did over pursue initially. Thanks again.

[Grizz]

W told me tonight that things are no better and she is going to look tomorrow for somewhere to move. She started discussing how to separate money, custody etc
I asked if we were separating or getting D. She said there is no point in S and when she leaves then she is filing for D. She starts her new job May 1st. I guess she will move probably in June.

She says everyone had been telling her that she was unhappy over her job and her health and her car. She said all of this stuff is now fixed and she is still unhappy. She essentially then said, I told you so. Which is what I knew she was waiting to say.

She wants her part of the equity in the house but also told me that she doesn't want me to sell the house. She doesn't want the kids to lose there home too. Not quite sure how she expects me to afford to pay her her equity and keep the house. There is absolutely no way this will work.

I asked, so does this mean we are over. She said yes, we will both be happier. She said, aren't you unhappy. I said I have not been happy in past 6 months but who would be. I told her that I was not unhappy prior to BD. She then said she didn't want to talk anymore. Said talking is not going to change anything and it would just make her upset.

She told me to start getting my finances in order, that this is going to happen.

She ended by saying that she wants to be friends. That she doesn't expect me to want to be best friends but she really wants to be friends. Through my hurt and anger I so wanted to tell her to go to he!!. But obviously I didn't. I didn't say anything (maybe should have validated but at this point it seems over). She then started to cry and said I guess you don't feel like we can be friends since you didn't say anything. I then validated (too late).

So now I am second guessing this distancing and giving space. I have been giving space. Which essentially means we have shared nothing in the past 5 months. She thinks I am unhappy which makes her decision to leave easier. Now I don't know what to do. It appears to really be over now. She said, didn't you think it was over anyway? Look at how things have been between us over the past 5 months. My mind is racing. Things are spinning out of control. I am going to go lay in bed and hold my girls.

I had been holding out hope and DBing but now it just seems over. This is awful. Haven't felt this bad in several months.

[Pathfinder2]

Grizz,

I'm so sorry to hear she is doing this stuff. Please don't feel like you giving her space was the trigger for this. I am absolutely convinced that she would be saying "you smothered me to death and so now I want out" if you had done that instead. More projection.

I also don't think that your failure to validate what she was pouring on you has done you a disservice. I would have been in shock just as much as you.

Just the fact that she wants to move out, but expects you to maintain the current property for the kids speaks of her disconnect from reality. She's telling you that is what she wants because if your kids keep their home, it lessens the load on her conscience.

You haven't done anything wrong, Grizz. Don't carry her portion of guilt. It's not yours to carry.

Now do your absolute best to show her you will be fine without her!

[cbtdad]

Grizz,
Sorry to hear this man.
This really [censored]. Hang in there and continue to work on yourself. Y'all being apart and having separate residences might be exactly what this needs. Because I agree it wasn't that you were giving her distance either. Hang in there!

[jp787]

Grizz,
I am sorry your hurting.
Remember that things can change daily and I think you did a good job by staying calm. Try to breathe and wait to see what she says next.

[movingon-1968]

Grizz,

You could've done everything perfect, textbook DB, and this day still might have come. If she had so many people telling her why she felt the way she did - she was probably looking, at least on a subconscious level, to prove to them they were wrong and she was right.

If you had been enthusiastic about being friends, she may well have said 'see, you don't love me anymore, this is for the best'. My point is, you handled things pretty well. Yes, you were shocked, who wouldn't be - I've been there and have the t-shirt. But try not to read more into than what you actually know for a fact (and remember the believe none of what you hear and only 50% of what you see rule).

Your sitch is still pretty new in the grand scheme. But for your sake, and your girls, keep DB'ing. It's helped me get thru a lot in the past few weeks.

[AnotherStander]

She says everyone had been telling her that she was unhappy over her job and her health and her car. She said all of this stuff is now fixed and she is still unhappy. She essentially then said, I told you so.

The problem is she still thinks YOU are the cause of her unhappiness, because the two of you are still under the same roof. Often it takes separation for the WAS to realize their unhappiness is coming from within. That's why the whole "time and space" thing is needed, so they can distance from the LBS, learn that the LBS is not responsible for their unhappiness, and learn to miss the LBS.

I asked, so does this mean we are over. She said yes, we will both be happier.

Why in the world would you ask that? Her response is of course totally expected and totally script.

She said, aren't you unhappy. I said I have not been happy in past 6 months but who would be. I told her that I was not unhappy prior to BD.

OK, let's go back to the basics on your DB communication skills! QUIT getting baited!! This isn't about telling your feelings to her, it's getting her to share her feelings with you! Remember your DB'ing, YOU listen, SHE talks! YOU make eye contact, nod your head, ask a question here and there, ask her how things make her feel, validate her emotions. The fact that she even said "aren't you unhappy" tells me you've been unsuccessful at GAL and PMA, because if you were successful she's be asking what your secret was. That's exactly what my wife did, she told me she was jealous of my confidence and happiness when she herself was still confused. That was well after S though. Anyway, a better response would have been "Why do you ask, are you unhappy?" "Well yes, I'm unhappy!" "How unhappy are you, a little, or a lot?" "I'm very unhappy!!" "I can tell you're very unhappy and I'm sorry you feel that way. I want you to stay here and work on the marriage, but above all I want you to be happy and if you feel that moving out will make you happy then I support your decision. I will do what I can to assist you."

She then said she didn't want to talk anymore. Said talking is not going to change anything and it would just make her upset.

She said that because you're NOT LISTENING to her!

So now I am second guessing this distancing and giving space. I have been giving space. Which essentially means we have shared nothing in the past 5 months.

That's not what giving space means. Honestly I've read a ton of sitches here and I'm convinced it's not possible to give adequate space to a WAS when the LBS is still under the same roof.

Now I don't know what to do. It appears to really be over now.

I know you're confused and hurting right now, but remember, we told you that S may be inevitable and that it may be a necessary step for healing to start. Her lines are all script, there's nothing there to indicate you should give up hope. Just give yourself some time to grieve in quiet and keep up with your DB'ing.

[Spartan]

This is hard stuff to process but you can do it. Take your kids out somewhere and try to have some fun with them. Try not to let them see you being too down, be there rock. They're going to need you.

Continue to DB and work on being the person you want to be. This is a LONG process.

[Verum]

Grizz, this is tough to hear. I agree with AS that it is not over. Continue to DB.

When my W spoke of separating, she had some unrealistic fantasy that she could live next door, we would be best friends, and she could come and go visiting our 3 girls as she pleased. Maybe when your wife sees the reality of her being alone, it will cause her to reevaluate her decisions and the source of her unhappiness.

Whatever, continue DB, it's for you as well as your M.

[Grizz]

PF, cbt, JP, Blake, AS and SA, thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement. I need them. A few things that bother me are that getting a job was the only reason that she was still here. I have said that all along. I am just a paycheck to her. She has denied it. Now that is what is happening. Why not have the guts to just say it in the beginning?

AS, you mentioned that S may allow her to see that I was not the cause of her unhappiness. The tough thing in my sitch is that all of the things that were major stressors in her life are all going to be fixed about the same time which just so happens to coincide with her moving out. Regardless of where I am in the picture, she will be infinitely happier with a new job, they have finally gotten her health problems under control and the mystery problem with the car has now been fixed. So when she does move she will have tons of less stress already. She will not see that and miraculously she will be happy now that I am out of the picture.

Blake, I agree with you 100%. She loves to be able to prove people wrong. She is an attorney. It's in her DNA.

I was so happy at home with my girls today while W was still at work. It is so hard to project PMA when I see her. I don't even want to look at her right now. It is bad and I probably didnt do myself any favors but when she came home I was cold and short with her. The hurt has definitely turned to anger and that is no way to live.

She is gone to a meeting now. I am going to take the girls out to eat then I will leave to go play softball tonight. That should help some.

Thanks again guys.