After phone coaching session #2

[reb9597]

I appreciate the input accuray!

That's where I'm really running the risk, I've never met mc! He was referred by someone I know who's sister went to him, she wanted m & he didn't. They worked it out & said mc was wonderful. I talked to mc on the phone and tried to get my questions answered - is he pro-marriage, didn't get super clear answer but he promoted marriage he said. He said he was familiar and used solution based therapy. And he's male, which I think will appeal to H.

The best thing I actually think I liked about this mc was the fact that I tried to make appt with him alone and he wouldn't see me. He asked if I wanted him to be my relationship therapist, or personally therapist. Mc stated he wouldn't see me personally as it would be unfair and undermine trust for relationship therepy. I respect that.

But now I'm walking in blind. I like option of waiting for H to open up too but I think I know him well enough to know it'd be a very silent session. H does not want to go there, would rather just leave me be and 'move on'.

I can lead with that option, but need to have my plan B.

[reb9597]

And I understand what you're saying about wearing my heart on my sleeve. Good advice.

I feel like I'm walking the plank here... the best I can do is keep control of myself. And my emotions. And not react.

How does validating work in C session? If H expresses "too late, too much water under the bridge" (he's said that to me before). I can validate by saying "I agree, it does feel like too much". Is there a BUT to follow that?

I'd like to make the point that MWD makes about positive attitude creates positive change. If H lets go of the 'too late' attitude, he could be open to change in feelings if there are any. And if there are not, then that's okay too.

But I think it will probably be most important for me to keep my mouth shut.

[GALbaby]

You could say something like..I understand..I have felt that way many times myself. Then listen, listen, listen and let MC direct the session. Your H may take some time to loosen up and feel comfortable if he is WAY out of his comfort zone. Give him time. It will take time. My H and I never got to MC..so your H is taking a big step here. Give him credit, it may not turn out exactly as you hope, so leave your expectations at the door. Good luck Reb.

[GALbaby]

BTW You did great with regard to the MIL situation and so did your D.

[azguy]

I agree that IC ultimatum suggestion is not a good idea. from reading your posts, the co-parenting suggestion from your DB coach also sounds likely to not be too helpful.

But I really like the idea of you inviting your H to express what he is unhappy about in the R, with the idea that you listen and not react. You may be right that he won't say much. Part of the approach here, I think, is to convey to him that you really want to understand how he feels. That is done not just with the initial statement, but by listening and validating. You can practice this ahead of time as you have just started in your last post. I say go for this one! The best part is you are saying, essentially, that you want a thriving R with him, by showing him how you want to listen, not by wearing your heart on your sleeve.

"I'd like to make the point that MWD makes about positive attitude creates positive change. If H lets go of the 'too late' attitude, he could be open to change in feelings if there are any. "

This sounds like you want to tell him how he should approach the R? That sounds like a bad idea. . .

[reb9597]

Thanks azguy, the more I let the advice marinate the more it feels like the best option to encourage H to open up.

Opinion - Does H owe me that? I'm pretty sure that H's frame of mind is that it doesn't matter, not worth it, he left therefore we just need to figure out what the next step is. And I've now accepted that I can't make him explain himself or his actions to me. But can I request it based on our long marriage?

Gal, I always appreciate your support and your situation of continued faith is inspiring.

Just got to bedroom & D15 is studying Greek mythology & left a hand written account of Pandora and Hope on my pillow. It's beautiful! I want to take pic of her handwritten words & send to H. Too much? D15 is such a little tough nut, it's a huge growth for her.

I'll share part of what she wrote:

"The troubles are still flying around the world and have even grown more in number. They are ugly and I have felt their sting, and expect to feel them more as I grow older. But then there is the lovely figure of HOPE! What in the world could we do without her? Hope will make everything fresh and new and gives us coverage to face troubles, knowing we will always come through whatever hardships we face."

[azguy]

"Opinion - Does H owe me that? "

I think it's self-defeating to think of it this way. You're inviting him to share. He may not for any number of reasons. If he doesn't respond to your invitation tomorrow, do you think it might still soften him toward reconsidering? I would.

"I'm pretty sure that H's frame of mind is that it doesn't matter, not worth it, he left therefore we just need to figure out what the next step is."

You're trying to mind read. He may not respond immediately for no good reason (may be feeling quiet that day). If you can, I'd encourage you to have patience with a poor response or nonresponse for some time. You could really torpedo the whole approach by reacting badly if he does not respond as you had hoped. That was me in my M over and over. Offer. Listen. Wait. Minimize your expectations.

"But can I request it based on our long marriage? "

I don't think this will get the response you're hoping for. We do things out of loyalty and love, not guilt. Think how you felt when your MIL tried the obligation tack on you and your D.

Good luck! I have very similar advice from my DB coach and have been trying to follow it. At times it feels an unfair burden on me, but then I'm the one insisting I want this M to work, why shouldn't I do everything I can?

[findingself]

Well not an easy sitch to be in right now...but you must be doing something right to be there...I will eagerly be reading your posts to see how this sitch pans out and offer advice when I can.

I try to think of what advice I would need...maybe try not to be the first one to talk, I know I could see myself trying to control the session, and would not want H to be pushed to soon for his comfort, let the MC be the guide. I think you might be looking at having to do all the work with guiding the communication like you have since BD and I am sure before, such as I have.

But trust that the MC will help the conversation a long, if he feels H is not opening up or saying it is 'too late' a good MC will confront him on whether or not it is. Pointing out the behaviors that conflict with H's statements. My IC did this to me yesterday

Sounds like this MC puts people in spots that they need to look deeper...he did it to you already and called you out on it, setting boundaries early and says he has a lot of experience with MC.

I can imagine not mindreading in this sitch leading up to it...so hard, but try to catch yourself in that mindset and move on. I do know why it is so hard though, because they do not talk...my H did not tell me his plans with money and support, making me question last night if he was taking his whole pay check and running, well he did not and gave me plenty of money for bills and a little extra. Now if we had good communication skills and comfort he could have told me what he was really doing and I would not have been stressing last night. Now to back track and thank H for taking care of S and I through the process. I have done this but need to do it again.

[Accuray]

I would see if you can challenge the MC's position. This whole situation isn't fair. Virtually any MC will tell you that when one person comes open to work and the other comes closed off to change MC simply doesn't work. Ask MC if you can email him some background and your goals for MC. That way he's not consulting or advising. If he refuses that request I might want to find a different MC. You are the paying customer, you have to get what you want. My MC claimed to be pro marriage too, but he really wasn't that pro marriage at all.

[findingself]

Maybe ask the MC what he goes over in the first session, the outline of how he gets to know you are a couple...maybe that would make you feel more comfortable