cadet, i always smile when i hear from you bc i love the way you think and write.
and i am not saying that i don't love her (i do and continue to choose to do so), but it feels as if the "in love" feeling has shifted (perhaps that is detachment?) i am seeing things more clearly and am more secure that i AM okay (it is no longer that I will be okay, but that I already am). i am able to say that she has given up something (our M) and someone worth keeping and treasuring... i am able to accept that our life paths may diverge forever and that if so, it will be for my own good, that there may very well be something more beautiful around the corner.
this is not to say that i am ready to move on or date.. my commitment to my M is still there, it feels like a forever bond to me right now, i am not sure if the D being final next month can change that... and i am not sure when or how it will shift. i am trying to not be concerned about that, but to take each step one at a time and trust in the work i am doing to love myself and others better..
each day, if my mind turns to missing her, i say to myself that "if i love her, i let her go" and i find some weird peace in thinking that if i love her, i want her to be happy, even if it is without me. i think that she is making a huge mistake but it is hers to make and i wish her well.
that being said, i do not want to be in her life now while she is with OW... i got stuck for awhile thinking that, to forgive, that i needed to be able to be her friend.. i think now that forgiveness has layers too... like detachment.. it is not one step but a series... and i am unsure where the unwrapping of those layers will go.. but again, i am trusting there too.. that my own growth will give more clarity to it.
and IO, i agree so fully with what you said.. finding and maintaining the balance between acceptance and change (of ourselves) is a lifelong process and i would like to build some better awareness of when i am falling off balance one way or the other. any thoughts on how to keep the two in balance?
I got nothing lol! Just the fact that we ARE aware may be enough....
Listen your entire post resonated with me completely. I could have written it word for word. it is exactly where I want to be and exactly what I think. The exception being H and I are friends, but for me, I am okay with that. Right now, he adds, rather than subtracts from my life and well being.
i got stuck for awhile thinking that, to forgive, that i needed to be able to be her friend.. i think now that forgiveness has layers too... like detachment.. it is not one step but a series...
The bolded is very important to remember.
There is no such thing as a do-over, in life. What happened, happened. Even as a WAS / MLCer tries to re-write or forget the past, what they can not grasp at the moment, is that they need to accept and forgive. And the LBS MUST do the same.
And... because one can not change the past, these negative points in our lives will show up, time and again... and we will continue to need to accept and forgive, each time...
NG this was abeautifully written post. I think it shows so much growth an awareness in yourself. I feel a shift in your words. A shift in your mind...
You have written what I have been feeling these past several days... I lack the eloquency you have to express myself. Yet the way you described how you are feeling is where I feel I am as well. Especially about the friend part and forgiveness part.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
And I wonder too when that marriage bond will fade...
Thank you again NG for opening yourself up and sharing your journey with us. You have given me a lot to think about. and I think its going to help me move forward.
xxxx
love you NG
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
And... because one can not change the past, these negative points in our lives will show up, time and again... and we will continue to need to accept and forgive, each time...
Grace, I only wanted to stop by to thank you for your support. You've been so kind to me. And you will receive love and kindness in your life. I know it.
KD, so, so glad to see you post again around here. i missed you. accept and forgive.... part of the process of letting our lives have the opportunity to truly unfold isn't it? i feel as if i see things, including myself, with so much more clarity now... zig mentioned the other day to me about feeling transparent now..
IO, i am wondering if perhaps balance is found in continuing to come back to the present moment and by doing that becoming more aware, more transparent, accepting what it and creating and stepping into the awareness of what we wish to be.
tori, i must say that i was a bit sad to read your post bc it felt like a goodbye of sorts. i hope that is not the case, your posts enrich us all. i feel very similarly about you, that the love and grace you put out into the world will come back to you, sweet tori.
my sister busting, i was reading your recent post and was amazed at the courage you have had to face saying goodbye each night to your H... that sounds so very difficult. i admire your strength.
JOURNAL
i realized this week that i need to live my life versus walk through it at times.. i have been working tons of hours and bc of my line of work many evenings i do not get home till 8:30PM. i had thought of applying to be a foster parent a few months back and could not reconcile the two.
i realized that i have always worked as much as possible without a thought as to how it impacts my life and what i really, truly want in my life..
i am starting to create a new plan that could open up the possibility of being a foster parent in the fall... i hesitate to make that big decision until i am through the grieving process as i want to be sure i do it for the right reasons, these children need me to be present and able. (STBX and I had planned to do it and I want to be sure that this is truly my own heart's path)
for now, i am content knowing that there is a path.. and that i can let it unfold.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Yes, I believe when we can reconcile the past with the present, without regret and without bitterness we find our balance. I am not saying that pangs of regret for what could have been, or what had been, don't occur, but they do not occur outside of love, acceptance and forgiveness, but rather as a whole of what we are.
Grace, I had just posted this morning about my life seeming to be a a holding pattern. The Universe is gathering us in today! Time to take the next step, it seems, for many of us here. Whether it be letting go, giving love, finding acceptance or simply just being.
Very good day I think, even though thoughts are running around in my head lol!
I had a hard time reconciling my "bond" with my x. I do not feel married to her, but I still deeply love her.. and at times that bothers me. I fear it will hold me back from meeting someone else. Or that I will never feel that kind of bond with anyone like I did with x.
Fear is never a good motivator.
A friend mentioned to me that whomever I am in a new R with will be an Addition instead of a replacement. I like this.... takes the pressure off of it.
I think it's possible to still love your w, but still love others just as deep.
Give it time, you will get there when you are supposed to.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
