They cover it up...I have seen my H's pain, crying at the door when leaving the house, see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice when we talk, anger is pain, anger covers other emotions...it is just the tip of the iceberg...now how long I have to wait for him to really be able to discuss the pain, address it and deal with his own issues is another thing...but I can not control that...finally hit me about three weeks ago how much I can not help him...
It is about me and he needs to deal with him, I can not help him with this...I just need to keep the road back home smooth and paved so when and if he is ready I am here...
But if it takes too long and I have changed and he wants to come home with out dealing with us or H's issues then he might be told to head right back out the door til he has done his own work...
I am not at this point yet...I have seen other get there or be there though...
So here it is, H and I agreed that he would try to spend as much time with S as he could before the trip,
H has agreed to Thursday night, Friday night and Saturday day....this is all he has said he can do at this time before taking S from the 18th till the 22nd across the US alone.
H has not seen H since Easter Sunday so it will be 11 days between visits this time, and then see him for the two nights one day then not again until the trip.
Am I asking too much for him to spend and see him as much as he can between now and the trip?
H is to be with S, Thursday- Sat, then Sun for a visit, and Wed before trip...if it is decided it is ideal for S to go.
I know that being at the airport will be hard in saying goodbye, but I feel that I have been very flexible and not selfish in this decision to agree that H takes S across US.
I want to be a little selfish and see S off at airport, I will never be able to forgive myself if something happens to S and I did not spend up to the last moment with him. H said we did not have to decide on this now, can wait and make finally decision.
Don;t I have the right to be a little selfish with this?!
You certainly have the "right" to see your son off. I REALLY don't think its what is best for you.
We are both EXTREMELY sensitive when it comes to our children. You have already identified "handoffs" of your son are stress points for you. Your son will either be tense (or asleep) at the airport as its new surroundings - more then likely it will be you worrying and extremely stressed with a H who will be stressed at the trip ahead and a son in a new environment
I see NO good with you going to the airport.
Your H wanted to take S on a trip involving 3 trip segments a day??? Ive done that-It will be a good learning experience for him but he needs to be able to do it his way.
Please try to step back with this. However, you may ask him to call you when he arrives at his final destination.
Trust is hard after they drop a bomb
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I do see what you are saying, and so appreciate the feedback but I feel as a parent this is the appropriate thing I need to do, I feel as if I can hold myself together and be able to do. I spoke with H about it today more, he sees my point but feels that it will be hard for me to let S go.
That is not so, I know I can not predict things, I think I have been very understanding and open to allow the trip to happen in the first place, this is one thing I am asking for.
It is still undecided at this time.
H did inform me that he has stopped putting his paycheck in our bank account...this came up when I discussed I was going to put my unemployment in our mutual savings account, my checks were delayed by three weeks so I do not know if H made this decision when he did not see my checks being entered or not. I asked H how bills will be paid, kept calm, to which he informed they would be but no extras, I asked what was meant by extras...seems H has not fully thought it through yet.
I asked H if we could sit and discuss finances, this is a need as H is looking for an apartment in another state and we still have all the bills for the home, I am not working yet and only getting unemployment.
H said he did not want to talk about it, I asked him to think of a time when we could. H was angry about it, but it was something I needed to ask for at this time, seems H is making a lot of financial decisions and not including me in them to after.
I know you aren't suppose to talk about D and M, but how do you avoid or handle money talks?
Look at how much you've grown in such a short time! Excellent job controlling yourself! Bravo! These are changes he will for sure notice.
I do worry about your tone in discussing allowing S to go out of state. It sounds like you are more resigned than truly agreeing it's the best thing for S. I can't imagine how hard it is for you, maybe that's the best it can be is flat acceptance. But if he goes, don't let it turn into a walking death row situation in your head. Spin it & make it a great adventure for S, even if he's maybe too young to comprehend.
The money situation is tricky, especially with no legal protection. My H put me on a generous allowance before he left and hasn't stiffed me yet, but I still get a little nervous every couple weeks making sure the money arrives. At the very beginning, we agreed who would pay what bills (basically I pay everything and he pays his & kids phone bill & his visa bill). It's worked so far but H has mentioned I was going to "need to see how much $ I really need to live" because he wants to get his own apartment. Will cross that bridge when we come to it I guess.
This may go against DB principals, but don't let your desire to save your M jeopardize you taking care of yourself and S. Keep your legal options open if you need help getting money from him.
You're doing great. Don't lose sight of your progress.
Reba, thanks so much for the support...I think I needed that...as for S's trip and me, I am getting a mini 'see how it is this weekend' H took S for two nights to a hotel to 'see' how S does not around me prior to the trip.
I think flat acceptance is all I can do at this time. To be honest, and that is far from where I thought I would be on the topic.
As far as where you are with your H, and the bridge...I think I am there now...H has pretty much made it known that I need to use any money I have on the extras and he will cover the bills.
I need to look at the account today to see what he had in mind...I am still wondering if it all spurred from my check not going through for three weeks making H question where my money was...but this is mindreading...
As for me at the airport H says he still has not come to terms with it. and has not made a decision yet. I know it goes against DB but I want to be there to see my son off on the trip, it will be only an hour or so or even less than that at the airport but I do feel strong on the topic.
Every body and I mean everybody seems to think I am crazy to let him go in the first place, so that is a huge step for me.
As far as the visit, it went well, H spent a lot over money from our joint account on S, surprised me some. Don't know if that is the plan on the trip to or not, debating discussing this or not.
The end of conversation did not go well, we were discussing the airport to which he began playing with S ignoring the conversation with a distraction. I started to leave the room as I he was not giving me attention during the conversation, this was after pausing some to wait for him to play with S for a while then get back to the discussion. When I started to leave he asked why I was leaving to which I said I did not think he wanted to discuss things at that time to which he said he was listening, I came back and sat down. I said I did not think he was listening because he was playing with S, this is something he does a lot when the conversation gets more intimate, have not said anything on topic in the past. H started to cry to which I inquired on the tears and emotion and he said it was because I was telling him he could not play with S.
I informed him that was not what I was saying I was saying that I did not think he was listening to me, I did not tell him he could not play with S. This has been so common lately making it all about him, he has been turning a lot of the conversation into me targetting him and attacking him...this is something he says I always do and have done. Do I see that he could have thought that was what I was say yes, but it was not. He could have stayed and played with S all night long if he wanted...it is that he did not want to discuss a topic that I felt needed to be discussed.
Needless to say he made a comment on leaving and always having to leave the house to which I did not react well, I told him it was his decision to leave and that he decides that each time he walks out the door.
I know it is mindreading to think in his head that I am pushing him out the door, he did not want the divorce but I pushed him to wards it...but man there is only so much of the guilt drop on me that I can take...only so much of putting this marriage on my shoulders!!
How do others deal with that...when the issues of the marriage, separation everything is dumped on you?
When does your S leave on trip? I feel you should go to the airport if you want to, but only if you can keep control of yourself. It may be a nice send off for H too to leave you smiling & waving. You need that positive action!
You're doing so great! You're really learning to not react. Just try to make intentional decisions based on this new you. It'll shine through. We can't control if H will ever soften to the changes, but you'll feel better and it will (hopefully) matter less in the long run.
