I am almost at 3 months since the bomb dropped and have comfort in knowing that I cant control my wife but I can control MY options. Its all I have- Its insane that a husband (me) is , in essence, helping his wife have a affair by stepping back and giving her room.
but "insane" might be what is needed
The stress and pain you are going through is so real and it sounds like your still in shock- You will get to a point where it hurts less and then you begin to get stronger. Two very tough questions I had to ask myself are " Am I just scared of being alone?" and " Do I want this or am I fighting for my family due to a sense of responsibility or obligation for my son/daughter?"
Your son needs a strong YOU. You need to be strong and healthy for whatever crap your H throws at you and whatever you end up having to face during this hellride.
Neither you or I will have any success if we guilt, beg, remind of the goodtimes, leave "clues" around or talk about our dreams and the future.
Be awesome to yourself and that amazing son of yours- THAT IS ALL YOU CAN DO
Take care of you- your not alone
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
On Wednesday H called to help me fix computer...I had sent text asking a question to which he called me, for the computer and also to talk about S and H's trip to Montana. H decided he wanted to talk again on the subject...two weeks before possible trip.
I feel that I did very very well for myself, I remained calm, detached from H's emotions, I actually asked him to calm himself a couple of times during the conversation, to which he did. We were also able to agree on a plan that H would spend as much time with S before he left so that we as S's parents could better determine how S will be on the trip with H alone for five days, two whole days of flying, something S has never done.
H had agreed to keep me informed of ticket plans on wednesday night to which I have seen no info on as of yet. H was pushing that he needed to get the tickets then because of the time crunch, he in okay and agrees to the discusion that he could be purchasing a ticket for S and we might still decided that it is not idea for him to go at this time.
H started off the discusion saying that I was being selfish, to which I explained to H that I believed that I was trying to make the best decision for S, and that I had not made up my mind yet, I still have not!
H is suppose to try to be at the home to see S next Wednesday on until Monday morning. I have heard no more plans on this at this time. I do see this in the best interest of S as the last time he spent more than 24-36 hours a week with H was in December the week before Christmas. Since BD, in the month of March, he saw him three weeks and one day during the week, the longest stretch was 36 hours. This is concerning because it will be a new environment for S, people he does not know and no other supports with him, time change and two long days of flying with three flights each day. S has just hit major stranger danger stage in which he is very shy and even when S was with my mother the other day, someone he has seen more than H lately, he was extremely clingy to me when I got to my mother's house. Mother could not get him asleep either.
I do understand it would be nice for H to have the time with S, and do agree if S has more time between the 18th with H he will be okay to go on the trip with him. At this time I am concerned about the lack of time together and its affects on S's stability while on the trip.
So the conversation did go well, only thing is when H see's S next week I can not be in the home, during the time or overnight, H's stipulation, I asked H to help me understand this more to which I got from H "you can't fix this" to which I said I did not want to fix it but wanted to understand it. H says 'we' tried it to which I said that he stayed at the home one night four days after he told me he wanted a divorce. In reality the night went well, no contact, no discussion, no pressure from me, he was not comfortable. He was able to say that he was frustrated and frustrated with my behaviors since the BD and that is why I can not be in the home over night with him there too.
We will need to discuss the plan more though. Am waiting for H to call with his schedule, I will not contact him.
But what should I do....H does not have an apartment or place or family in the area, if he wants to spend the night with S I have to leave the home, okay for one night but not two-three plus nights?!
I asked if there could be a compromising of me coming in at 11pm or so and leaving in the am to which he said no.
IC made me think of something the other day...she said when H and I have interactions that seem almost 'normal' for before BD and when H can be close...
compared to when we are discussion marriage issues or anything close to them H puts up his wall because it is an intimate discussion at that time and he is uncomfortable discussing intimate things with me and has to distance himself from me during those times, ie...a counted between us.
Shiss...It has gone away some...only time it really comes back day to day is when I think of H being with another woman...that brings it back every time...I don't know if he is yet or not...but as soon as I get that feeling I try to get rid of it...can't stand the pain of it...
I only have contact with H when he sees our S, and only speak with he when he wants to, which is very little...
But I also still have a little anxiety when I see there is a message from H that I need to read or a phone call. Face to Face conversations about marriage have been my downfall...don't have them!! Make sure you don't unless they want to and then only talk about them...this is the hardest lesson I have had to learn!
Thanks. I'm keeping tabs on your post for help and encouragement. I'm praying for both of us even though the hole seems to get darker. I've been dark, no contact since Thursday and it is better since I don't have to deal with him mentioning the D, my anxiety used to sky rocket when I saw his name on my phone, easier to detach that way. I'm going to avoid face to face for awhile. Thanks for your advice and I'm here if you need anything.
Me 29 H 28 M 9 T 11 No kids 2 dogs H moved in with parents 3/21/13 H wants a D 4/2/13 D Filed 4/5/13 Served 4/17/13
Have heard nothing from H on tickets or visit times and dates for this week...plan to not contact him, this is his thing to do if he wants to do it, he knows the agreement WE have come to.
So sitting back and doing the waiting game...have a job interview tomorrow...and am applying for one today that I would REALLY like to get so we will see what the future holds!
Today cleaning, outside yard work etc.
As far as things around the house, anyone else have a sad feeling when doing them...yardwork use to be something I would look forward to each spring, I would move snow just to get it to melt quicker to get out there, tried it yesterday and had to sit down a lot coming to terms with this might be the last year I get to tend to my gardens. I have put a lot of work into them since we owned the home, a lot of money and time...H never appreciated them, so it also was a lot of what our fights were about too...he always wanted to take it easy on the weekends and I always had 'projects' as he says...never was okay with what we had...which I have thought about a lot...I was okay with what we had, I just like doing household projects and H does not...that is what it gets down to
As far as things around the house, anyone else have a sad feeling when doing them...
That does go away, you're not quite 2 months post-BD, I think it took me about 3 or 4 months to get completely over that. The trick is to just keep doing it!
Thanks another...yeah I just took my break and kept on going...so weird how many things make you think about the BD or the WAS...no wonder H has decided to be a state away and here in the house as little as he can...but at times I look at it as not being fair because I have to face the reality each day...then I remember I was part of the decision for him to leave and part of the place our marriage got to...makes me sad for him too
By the way applied for a job I am really hoping I get!! Excited actually took a lot of extra time to do application and job does not start until July giving me time to get to a better point in life! Though I go for an interview tomorrow...we will see how it goes til then...wonder how unemployment works when you are hired but don't start for months?!
