Well I believe the limbo going to be coming to end soon. Things came to head last Thursday night so to speak.
I was on my way back from a doubleheader of GAL'ing (a group ride downtown and stopping by Men's group at my church before heading home) and I received a text from my W. She told me she didn't think we could talk about the D anymore, she was very tired, she wanted me to get with my L and propose something on the last remaining item. If we didn't get this wrapped up by the end of this coming week, she was going to file for D.
I think previously that would have ticked me off. However, I thought I was waiting on her to set a time to talk about the final detail (it's the driving distance we're hung up on). However, I'm very tired myself and ready to move forward in one direction or the other. I took it as a signal to lay all my cards out on the table. I'll try to keep it to an executive summary here.
The entire conversation was through text. We texted back and forth from about 11pm to 1am. I kept on going until 3:40am. This seemed to work for us. I think we were able to cover a lot of things.
I started out by telling her I thought I was waiting on her, on when she wanted to set up a time to talk. I told her straight up I am just tired of waiting, tired of the limbo. Then I started into why I have been hanging around so long. I told her I was asking God to direct my every step, I wanted to be able to tell my S I tried EVERYTHING to save his family, there's a possibility I may just be crazy I also mentioned I have been able to use this time to grow, have a lot of new friends now, and my relationship with God has grown.
Her take on that was I was blaming her for the failure of the M. She also said me telling her about all of the good things in my life just rubs salt into her wounds. She said she just felt like she lost herself in the M.
I responded by telling her I wasn't blaming her for the failure of the M - we both had our contributions to that failure. I felt our M is dead. However, we both have our different solutions to the problem - she says D, I say rebuild. That is where we disagree. I said both have their merits and drawbacks. I said if we were to rebuild, my biggest fear is that things would just return to the way they were, and we'd be in a worse place than we'd ever been.
I apologized for the way I'd hurt her in the past. I told her that was never my intention. I told her I have learned a lot from my mistakes, and I'm still growing.
I'm going to break this up into semi-manageable chunks so I'll break here...
I went on to tell her I really believed there is still a beautiful person behind that wall and hardened heart. I told her about some of the qualities I really believe are at the core of her soul. She is a friendly person and people naturally like her. She likes to laugh. She likes to make people laugh. She has an amazing singing voice. She pursued the Lord. But then I told her all I see is a broken, hurting mess right now.
She agreed with me. She IS broken and hurting right now. She feels she has very few friends. She said she cries a lot and has been looking at a lot of churches and can't find the right place. She has never felt so alone in her entire life.
I went on to tell her it was until the first marriage conference we went to in 2006 that I even saw there was the first thing wrong with our marriage. But looking in hindsight, I think she was checked out of the marriage even at that time.
She agreed with that it had been some time before that she had checked out of the marriage.
I told her that first marriage conference marked a big change in my life at the time. My W said she didn't know, didn't realize it. I mentioned to her that I really didn't tell her that at that time, did I? She affirmed that. I told her I probably didn't realize it myself either until I looked back on it. My W apologized she didn't see the changes and said her mind and heart were probably closed at that time.
I also told her I don't tell her about the positive things going on my life to rub salt in her wounds. But rather, it's that I would love for her to experience the joy in my heart and the things I believe God is doing in my life. I'd love to show her the way. However, she may have to take a different road to get there.
I went on to share some more of my story. I told her I had to pretty much hit rock and lose just about everything I thought I cared about before I would respond to what God wanted to do with me.
She said she just has the walls up. She feels like a walking target and the walls protect her. She agreed with me when I said I thought I wasn't the only one the walls were protecting her from.
I went on to say it makes it hard because I actually give a rip. I said it would be a lot easier if I just didn't care.
At that point, she was ready to go to bed. She thanked me for listening and talking through some things.
I told her I had just gotten a glass of wine and had more to say. However, she was more than welcome to just go ahead to bed and hopefully she would have something entertaining to read in the morning, though there was no pressure to do so.
So I continued my "tirade" (not really that, but it sounds good to me)
Really all I did was recap where my head and heart's been since 2006. She didn't see the change then because she was so checked out. There were several events where I went through transformation during that time. There was the first bomb and start of MC in 2008. There was a marriage conference in 2008. There was another marriage conference in 2010. During this time, I was the one studying about relationship. I was watching videos online. I was reading books. She was way too fed up to see any of it.
Of course, there was also the bomb on 2/10/2011. I admitted to her how devastated I really was at that time, and how upside my world had been turned. But then I also went through how I've responded to it.
I concluded by asking her what she would like me to do. I said I could either follow up with my L as she had "encouraged" me to do, we could talk by phone to wrap things up, meet up to wrap things up, or we talk about rebuilding the M. I told her I believed there are a lot of exciting things going on my life and I'd like a special woman to join me in the pursuit of the Lord. I said I'd like for that special woman to be her. Heck, I'd even share my friends. However, if that's not what she wants, I will respect her wishes. I said maybe God has someone else in mind or maybe He doesn't want to share me?
I have not heard back from her since Thursday night.
I figure I will either hear back or I will need to follow up with her.
There were also another couple of activities going on I didn't know about that I didn't find out about until Friday morning.
My W had texted a friend of mine from my church who had written her a letter late last year. She had asked for prayer and said she frequently reads her letter for encouragement. This text occurred about 5 hours before my W sent me the nastygram.
Another friend of mine had text-bombed my wife starting about 45 minutes after I got done with her. He felt compelled to do so. He has known my W for several years. He and his W had gone through a rough patch several years ago. He reported his observations that he knew we were going to have troubles. He also said I am not even close to the same man I was several years ago, that I have come a long way.
I am kind of thinking of these last events as being JB's Last Stand. I am sooo ready to move forward in my life. I am so tired of being a married bachelor and conducting myself that way.
Sure, you want to R. Do you think your W is testing you, telling you to talk to her through the L and then not responding to your texts from Tuesday?
Of course, I'm not encouraging you to get your L to file. If she said she would file if this other sticking point weren't completed, are you prepared to wait until she files?
At first glance, I want to put the limbo behind me. My W does, too. I think some of it depends on what she's willing to do. If she is willing to move in the direction of R, I am willing to wait on her as long as she's showing baby steps of progress. However, I am also very, very tired. If she is unable or unwilling to R, I just want to move on with my life. There are times when I get excited about the prospect of being in a different relationship. Sometimes I feel guilty if I move things forward with the D, like I'm the one taking the easy way out On the emotional side, I am at the point where if we move things forward with the D, that's the point where I close the door on the relationship.
Originally Posted By: KD
Do you think your W is testing you, telling you to talk to her through the L and then not responding to your texts from Tuesday?
No, I really don't think she is testing me. I think she is very confused. She has been sending me mixed signals all along. I can say for certain that she's very tired. Likely even more tired than I am.
Originally Posted By: KD
If she said she would file if this other sticking point weren't completed, are you prepared to wait until she files?
I have a definite no for you on this one. While I really don't believe she would file, if she did file, it's just going to prolong this thing. That was actually my first thought. In the past, when she threatened to file, it triggered a lot of fear. This time, it didn't have that effect. It triggered a feeling of dread, that this thing would go on for another 1.5 years minimum.
Originally Posted By: KD
How do you see this playing out?
I think I may have partially answered this above. However, my faith tells me one thing and my observations tell me another. My faith tells me it's not over. My observations and general feelings tell me just to move on. On one hand I can see a rebuilding of a M, and that's my faith. On the other hand, I am almost wondering if I am going to have to be in a new, happy relationship before my W sees things differently. By then, it'll be too late.
OK, well. I can certainly tell that you are tired. And by your relating your W's comments, she is, too. But...
Not tired enough to do something about it... if you know what I mean. Which then suggests... neither of you are done, yet. The limbo isn't bad enough for either of you to move forward... until one of you does...
How would you move forward? What would that look like, for jb? i mean forward, without your W and M. Truly surrender...
How would you move forward? What would that look like, for jb? i mean forward, without your W and M.
I don't see that as too difficult a question. Early in my journey I started GAL'ing. However, the GAL'ing for me was really a process of reinventing myself in regards to what I wanted my life to look like without regards to my W and M. Frankly, some of things I've been doing would interest my W and some she could care less about. Doesn't matter. So really moving forward would mean continuing on this track of reinventing myself. If that leads to another relationship in the future it does, and if it doesn't, it doesn't.
I also mentioned I have been able to use this time to grow, have a lot of new friends now, and my relationship with God has grown.
However, if that's not what she wants, I will respect her wishes. I said maybe God has someone else in mind or maybe He doesn't want to share me?
I wished my W the same yesterday.