Bklyn With Love

[NLW]

Bklyn, I so feel for you.

Please have a look at Beatrice's recent post on marriage as a business in this MLC section.
She has a really helpful perspective.

[paige40]

KG

Thank you for that post. It hit home for me as well. I am going through the same thing my ex just came to visit the kids with his friend and her 2 kids. I think it really made me feel replaced as a mother. But I need to let go of what he is doing and live my life!!

I need to just keep my focus on me and my boys.

Fake it till we make it!!!

[uRworthy]

Hi sweetie. I hope you are ok. I have been thinking of you all day.

I can feel the hurt in your posts and I am so sorry.

I need to tell you a few things - one Brooklyn girl to another.

You have every right to be angry. This suckks. It really does.

So a couple of things. It is impossible to try to make sense of your h's actions.

Now, his MLC does not give him a free pass to do what he's doing. Ultimately, he is responsible for his actions. But as he is in one and we are not, it does offer some insight into the fact that he is not right. He is clearly broken because someone of sound mind does not act this way.

But, I dont really care about him one bit. It is you I care about.

So, you need to do a couple of things. You need to stop trying to understand what he is doing. Because you will just go round and round if you continue.

Then you need to really and truly detach. You have to get yourself together and start worrying about you and those babies. To helll with him right now, B. And she is not worth your tears. Trust me on that one.

B, you have every right to be angry. I get that. Feel it, go in your car and scream, punch something, go for a run, whatever and get it out.

Because here's the thing. You need to use the anger to propel you forward. And then once you do, you will learn to let it wash over you. You dont want to hold onto it because then it saps your energy and weighs you down. That energy is better spent on you and your girls.

And I feel that it is ok to let your children know if you are sad or angry. That is part of life. But, they are watching you. And unfortunately right now their father is not being the parent they need. And it suckks, but, right now that's on you.

And you want them to feel safe and to know that momnmy is there and she is strong and courageous. Show them how to navigate through life's turmoils with dignity and strength.

I know that you wished you had handled it differently. Now you know better, so next time you'll do better. That doesnt mean that you wont break down or get angry ever again, but, I think you might count to 20 or go to your room for a few minutes before you say anything.

I know this is so hard, B. But I know you can do this. We New Yorkers are made of tough stuff.

hang in there. You will get through this and come out the other side. And we will be here every step of the way.

[BklynMom]

I am so blown away by all the support.

Thank you all so much.

Urworthy there are so many truths in your post and truly detaching is definitely the goal. I am totally over him in at least one way and thats me wanting to be with him. I do not want to be in a relationship with any man that could be so cruel.

I just have a really big issue when it comes to the kids being in the arms and being loved by another woman. It is not rationale or sane but it can definitely send me over the top. (I want to write I will work on this, but I cant even write that now - how can I work on being kind to a home wrecker, how can I work on accepting that what is best for my kids is that they bounce back in forth between two homes. I accept that they will be okay, that they will be fine but I believe that my H and OW are doing my kids a grave injustice)

KG, I really appreciated your post. I am definitely not a Pema Choldron or Mother Theresa, I am human and have strong feelings especially when it comes to my kids.

I give myself a B for my interaction the other day with my H. Actually for my interaction with my H I give myself an A but I got a D for my behavior with the kids.

I did not yell or scream when I told my H his behavior was wrong. I just told him my truth. This was actually a big accomplishment for me. I have been silent as my H has abused me since Sept 2011.

He has blamed me time and time again that he had no choice but to leave his abusive W. I have accepted that statement and accepted the blame. Sunday night was the first time I stood up to him and said in a reasonable way (not as I did post bomb when I flew off the handle) but it a reasonable way. This is not right.

The reason I didnt want to have a conversation about it is because its not a debate. He clearly thinks its right for kids and I clearly don't. There isnt much too talk about, I just wanted to go on record in reasonable way and say I do not condone this. I will not stop you and I will not mention it again but I do not approve of this for my kids.

I will not be silent.

I am worthy. I can love myself.

I definitely have a way to go to reach serenity but each day I inch myself just a little closer.

Love you guys

[sayitaintso]

Good for you for standing up for yourself and speaking your truth. It took me a while to get to that point as well and now I wish I could go back.

My stbx still is angry, blames everything on me, and continues to re-write history. But its her history because I will not allow her to re-write mine.

I've found that a lot of growth occurs after I have an interaction like the one you recently had. It may set me back slightly but after it is processed it is a catalyst for further detachment and change that I want to make for me. I hope that is the case for you too.

Luv ya BK

[Mtnman]

Bklyn I disagree with one of your statements. I think it's perfectly reasonable to get upset when ow wants to play mother. You carried them, care for them, and have their best interest at heart.

I have played the same situation in my mind, and heaven help any man that attempts to play daddy with mine. I hope I can be half as adult about it as you were.

[uRworthy]

"I AM WORTHY. I CAN LOVE MYSELF"

That ^^^^ right there, just put the biggest smile on my face.
Good for you, B. Good for you.

I completely understand how you feel about having another woman doing family things with your children. Nothing insane about that feeling. You feel what you feel.

In a perfect world, all children would be with two loving parents. That is what is best for them.

You dont have to like what they are doing. You certainly dont have to agree with it or condone it.

But I'd like you to think about a couple of things. First one is, there is no one on this Earth that will ever be a mother to your children besides you. She could be a freakin Fairy Princess, aint gonna happen.

I know you and other people might not like what I am going to say. You do not have to be nice to her. Why would you be? But, I would rather have someone who is kind and nice to my children, while they are away from me, then someone who is not.

So, I am glad you didnt say anything horrible to the children about her. Those are grown up feelings and they are too young to understand. You dont want them to be afraid when they are with her or to feel that they are hurting you by being with her and their father.

B, you can feel however you want, but, it is really important, at this young age, that you let them feel safe.

Now, as far as your h. Good for you for telling him how you feel. I know that is huge for you. You handled yourself with dignity and strength. So proud of you.

Now you've said it, he's heard it. No need to say it again, because truthfully, he is not going to hear you.

Let him blow in the wind right now. And you get back on your path.

Keep going, sweetie. You got this.

[paige40]

How are you Brooklyn?? Just checking on you

[BklynMom]

Mtn man loved your thoughts. Your words definitely put a smile in my face. Ur worthy thanks as always for more food for thought. I should have some time without the kids this weekend to address your thoughts.

Thanks for checking Paige. All is back on track here and as SIAS mentions it's usually these breakdowns that then propel me two steps forward.

The kids are with their dad again this weekend because he missed a weekend two weeks ago. Last weekend I worked Saturday so I am kind of looking forward to two days without the kids to catch up on GAL stuff.

I will keep y'all posted.

With love and hugs all around