I found Limbo Land

[mrtwopointfour]

Sounds like you you have come a long way in a very short time

Well yes and no, I have learnt a lot about what to do, what to expect, and how to behave - whether or not i am there yet is another story. I am trying very hard to be patient, but as most people have pointed out thats the difficult part of it all.

Problem is my W is the most stubborn person i have ever met, and thats what I love about her. I never actually realised that it would work against me one day - which is my biggest concern - for my W to begin to thing differently or let the feelings come back is going to take much much more than your average spouse.

[mrtwopointfour]

HI SA

Sorry I glossed over this, I caught up with my thread whilst at the gym and this did not show up then.

Thanks for passing on the advice. I believe Ws LLs are words of appreciation, touch in an affectionate way and acts of service. I kind of went down the route of acts of service in a big way (ie overdoing it), touch in the wrong way (sexual), and gifts - tried to give her whatever she wanted, and forgot the words of appreciation. Hence my wife feeling lack of affection and taken for granted.

Main problem is I can't touch her. In fact I brushed by this morning and got a frosty look and choice of words, it was actually not intentional I was trying to get past! Words of appreciation are good, but tend to be brushed off with - why you saying thank you, or I've always done that why notice now.

One thing W always liked was my humour - but it feels like it does not come naturally any more - or W has barriers up against laughing. This is annoying as that's the way to her heart!

[AnotherStander]

I believe Ws LLs are words of appreciation, touch in an affectionate way and acts of service.

You -believe- they are? Don't make any assumptions, get her to take the test. Women love taking tests. My W was a week from moving out and still took it. I read the questions and choices to her and wrote down her answers, then told her what her PLL was and read the description to her. You can do it without it coming off as pursuit.

Main problem is I can't touch her.

Then focus on other LL's.

Words of appreciation are good, but tend to be brushed off with - why you saying thank you, or I've always done that why notice now.

Ah, so you have EXPECTATIONS that she will respond favorably, and if she doesn't then what, you get discouraged and quit? Drop the expectations!! Also, WoA is not "please" and "thank you". It goes deeper than that. It has to be specific to have meaning to her. I'll give you an example from my sitch- W decorated a horseshoe yesterday for D16 as a good luck gift for her drill team tryouts. W texted a pic of it to me. I replied back with "That's really cute! You are so creative! You are such a great mom to the kids, she's going to love that!!" That's WoA. It doesn't have to be pursuit, it doesn't have to be "oh baby you look so great today" and in fact shouldn't be (unless you reconcile, then you can get a little more steamy )

One thing W always liked was my humour - but it feels like it does not come naturally any more - or W has barriers up against laughing. This is annoying as that's the way to her heart!

There are those darned EXPECTATIONS again! You say something funny, you expect her to laugh. Then she doesn't and you say "what's the point?" She doesn't WANT to laugh. So what should you do? Keep being funny! Because I promise, she's laughing inside while trying hard to show a cold facade on the outside. One day weeks or months down the road she's going to laugh in spite of herself. And when she does, you are going to be so glad you didn't give up!

[mrtwopointfour]

Thanks as always for your post.

Don't make any assumptions, get her to take the test

I think I may need to read the book again as I missed the test bit. Although, I am pretty certain my W will not entertain going through a test. But I could run through it myself first as it may help me clear up in my own mind what she does and does not respond to.

Ah, so you have EXPECTATIONS that she will respond favorably, and if she doesn't then what, you get discouraged and quit? Drop the expectations!!

MMyyeah, fair point. Can't argue with that!

Also, WoA is not "please" and "thank you". It goes deeper than that.

ok, I think after reading 5LLs I picked up on this and then promptly forgot so glad you mention this, as mine have been very much 'thanks for doing that' etc.

There are those darned EXPECTATIONS again! You say something funny, you expect her to laugh. Then she doesn't and you say "what's the point?" She doesn't WANT to laugh. So what should you do? Keep being funny! Because I promise, she's laughing inside while trying hard to show a cold facade on the outside.

Lets hope so as we always had lots of laughs and fun together, almost as if we had our own jokes and humour that only we understood. Now W seems to talk and laugh with others through a certain social network site!

[mrtwopointfour]

just noting my day so far:

Been a lovely day with family (we actually laughed a lot!). But W has constantly been looking at houses and talking about me getting my own things etc. we have been the closest today that I have felt for a very long time, but it's a double edged sword as it comes with all the comments of seperate futures.

I feel like I need to re-address my goals and changes, but a the same time maybe I am just being impatient and have expectations for quick change from W.

[mrtwopointfour]

Following on from my post above. How do I handle the constant discussion W tries to make about the future? I don't want to be apart in the future I want to be together - so how do I handle a question or comment such as 'that would be a good house for you' or 'when you have your own place you can do .........'.

At the moment I am just agreeing by saying 'true' or 'yes, I guess so'. But i must say it does not make for great conversation, and I worry my W thinks I am just not listening or taking it in.

If anybody has any suggestions please help me, because at the moment these conversations are happening by the hour and I really am not sure how to handle them!

[Cadet]

I worry my W thinks I am just not listening or taking it in.

Why are you worried?

[2chiquitos]

You're right. It hurts to hear them make plans about your future apart. In the beginning I asked H to please keep it to himself.
When he started bringing it up again, I would cry after the conversations. Next phase I would feel like quitting. I thought that when he reminded me of our future apart, he was ingraining in me that there would be no future of us together.

Guess what? After an MC session where this was brought up he confessed that he said these things because he didn't want to give me false hope that we would reconcile. However he was secretly hopeful that we would. ;-)

[mrtwopointfour]

I worry my W thinks I am just not listening or taking it in.

Why are you worried?

I am worried because one of my 180's was to listen to W. Something that I became very bad at over the years to the point of W giving up telling me half way through things. I would just say things such as 'yeah', 'ok' etc and she could tell i was not paying attention. The only answer I can think of for these 'chats' about the future are very similar words! I don't want her to think I am not listening, as I really am.

Plus there must be a way to answer that is better, one that makes her believe I am getting on with life, and I don't need her, yet also does not give her extra help and re-assurance that what she is doing is right?

[mrtwopointfour]

You're right. It hurts to hear them make plans about your future apart. In the beginning I asked H to please keep it to himself.
When he started bringing it up again, I would cry after the conversations. Next phase I would feel like quitting. I thought that when he reminded me of our future apart, he was ingraining in me that there would be no future of us together.

Guess what? After an MC session where this was brought up he confessed that he said these things because he didn't want to give me false hope that we would reconcile. However he was secretly hopeful that we would. ;-)

Hi 2chiquitos

I will have to catch up on yours story - that's great to hear, and I would love to think that's the case with me. But sadly I think my W has mental moved out if not physically! Was there a OW in your sitch?